Day 291 – Catching up

It feels like it’s been an age since I’ve been on, yet at the same time life has passed by really fast.

We’ve been doing our normal day to day stuff, national trusting, walks, slides, stories and I’m still loving it. I can’t believe in less than 16 weeks this precious time will be over. My heart hurts thinking about it.

A few developments. It turns out my SD has been stirring the pot at her mums and making up stories. Apparently I’m pregnant, we’re moving to the country and getting a dog (I mean these are my deepest darkest dreams, but definitely not happening). We’ve also apparently told her, her mum is making us spend all our money on her so there’s nothing for Emma and that her mum has lots of money (this made me laugh as is true but we’ve never said it to her). On the other hand apparently we are really poor. I mean we’re not flush with cash, but we have a home, a warm bed, clothes and food in our fridge.

Her mum was surprisingly good natured about it, but it’s made me more conscious of what we discuss in front of her and how it could be stirred.

I survived my first proper drinking party on Saturday. The pressure and anxiety i felt was absolutely overwhelming. What made it worse was it was a gin party (my old favourite drink) and with people who are my husbands friends and were best friends with the ex wife.

Once I got there it was absolutely fine. I found being sober helped me remember their children’s names, ask thoughtful questions and generally not make a tit out of myself. I woke up in the morning with out a hangover (unlike the hubby), feeling proud and even more assured this is the right path for me.

Today I’ve been to a baby class and my old close friend was there. We fell out about 7 years ago. She was getting married, successful, beautiful home and I’d just left my partner, was sleeping on my mums couch with a drink problem. To be honest, I was jealous and I didnt behave as well as I could’ve. She could’ve behaved better also, but I definitely had a bigger part to play.

I felt awkward the whole way through the class and when we caught eyes I smiled (with a bloody mask on). She blanked me. I’m now at home on the couch and I’m mulling over whether to message her and apologise for all those years ago. I know she holds grudges and would tell everyone I had messaged. This would make me feel even worse. I’m not looking for a friend back so my husband is saying just leave it.

However, I could have handled myself better and been a more supportive friend on the lead up to her wedding. We havent spoken since her wedding day. No big fall out, just a parting of ways.

So that’s me today. I’m going to catch up on everyones blog posts. I hope you’re all ok.

love

JS X

Day 275 – More navel gazing

These are 2 Facebook statuses from my account 7 years ago. The worst thing is, there were so many “hilarious” night outs and injuries, I cant even remember what night the status relates to.

I wish I could tell 7 year ago self, that being sober is the best way I’d ever feel. That these days I’m the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been in my skin, mixed with the most comfortable and I’m finally having an authentic relationship with myself. That when going sober I’d feel alive, vulnerable yet confident and excited for life.

This weekend I went to my first “big” sober event. It was 6 of us at a baby shower. 4 drinking heavily then the mother to be and myself. I only knew the mum to be and 1 other person. I was really nervous about attending.

Would I be bored not drinking? What would I talk about? How would I quell this rising anxiety inside me? What would I say if someone asked about my sobriety.

It turned out to be a lovely (but freezing) afternoon. Because I wasnt focused on how much drink I could bring with me, I remembered a couple of blankets to share out and a hot water bottle. Because I wasn’t focused on drinking as much as possible as quick as possible I had some lovely conversations I actually remembered. I spoke to one of the attendees about a triathlon as I knew she was training and another lovely girl about her experiences of being newly vegan.

When the newly vegan tried to top up my nosecco with fizz, I smiled put my hand over my glass and said “oh no thanks I don’t drink”. She asked loads of questions, but was so lovely about it. She said she really really wanted to go sober and kept trying it for a month or two but then went back to it. It was lovely chatting about the benefits we both had found and I felt strong instead of the weirdo not drinking.

9 months rolled round yesterday and I didnt even notice. My sister text me saying congratulations and my nest friend remembered in the evening. I was touched by both.

I was thinking about the next big milestone, 12 months. I’m actually signed up for my first half marathon in a long time the weekend I turn sober. It’s cross country over moorland and there’s a bit I can wild swim at after. My best friend and I are meeting there to run together and then have a nice evening together after not seeing each other since before covid. She lives down south and I live in the midlands.

Apart from having BB and my hubby at the finish line I can’t think of a better way to celebrate.

In other news BB is no longer my beautiful baby, she’s 18 months she’s now a terrible toddler. Oh and I had my first jab Sunday.

How is everyone? Sorry if I’ve missed any posts.

Love

JS

Day 268 – Resolutions

I felt so awful on Easter Sunday after 10 or so days of binge eating.

My body felt lethargic, puffy, my joints felt achy, my face was bloated from consuming dairy.

Whilst we had a lovely day as a family, easter egg hunting, cooking a roast, the kids picnicking and playing outside, I was so mad at myself. I knew if I eat to excess I feel rubbish, yet I’d eaten like a rabied raccoon on the lead up to Easter.

I decided that evening when stuffing a lindt bunny into my mouth whilst watching Schitts creek, enough is enough. Then from yesterday (Easter monday) I’m back on no dairy no sugar.

I made a sourdough, ate well and did yoga.

This morning I already feel so much better. A day off dairy and I’ve dropped 4lbs of water weight. I’ve decided not to weigh myself until my year of being sober. I’m going to aim for 3 meals and 2 snacks a day and continue to replenish my body.

I’m currently sat on a sofa with the sunshine streamig through a window with a hot peppermint tea. The kids are at the park with their dad. I’m managing to not get too annoyed at my SD although it feels like she’s going out of her way to push my buttons.

98 days until a year. I’ve got this.

How is everyone?

Love

JS xx

Day 265 – 100 days to go

I realised today I have a 100 days until I reach a full year of sobriety. It’s weird as it doesn’t feel like a long time at all. But then the first 100 days felt like such a long hard slog.

Today we have met my family in the park (to get it over with for Easter). My mum and I don’t get on very well, she’s quite toxic and my sister is the same. So it was a relief to meet briefly for an hour, let the kids play in the playground and then come home.

This afternoon I’ve taken my SD for her horse riding lesson and listened as my boobs gave me a round of applause. I lead her horse for her and forgot to put a sports bra on for the fast bits. Will definitely remember to stick one on in 2 weeks time.

The horse in the photo is a retiree I used to ride when I had lessons and we once entered a show when I was 12 together

My husband and I are really trying. He went in a grump at bed time last night and then apologised this morning which was a start. We’ve both tried to give each other a rest with the kids and I think we’ve both appreciated it.

I’ve been reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle and finding it so inspiring. I’ve taken her suggestion about lying on the floor for 10 minutes and thinking today. Although I didnt reach a deeper level (I think this takes practice), I enjoyed letting my mind wander and the 10 minutes passed fast.

She asks to write down your “knowing”. What your believe your most beautiful life would look like. I’m still musing over my knowing. It takes different forms throughout the day. Definitely a move to the countryside and a close loving relationship with BB and my husband.

So that’s all this Easter Saturday.

How is everyone this afternoon? Thanks for your support the last couple of days.

Love

JS xx

Day 264 – Last night

BB at a National Trust

So after writing everything thing down yesterday I went and did some yoga. During a lying down bit at the end, I fully decided I would raise everything with my husband.

I think part of my issue was I felt like I wasn’t living authentically as I was holding a lot in. I also felt I was trying to make myself a smaller person and pictured myself in a cage labelled “the good wife”. This cage felt like it was getting smaller and smaller as I got smaller and smaller (I’m reading untamed and the cage analogy has really struck a chord).

So I made the kids dinner and then when washing up with my husband I asked if we could speak openly later with out him going in a mood.

He asked what about and I gave him the option of speaking there and then which he took. I explained I found his moods incredibly stressful, that I felt like I was walking on eggshells. That I’ve tried my hardest with things that have irked him but no regard has happened for the things that irk me. That I’m holding back and feel like I’m disappearing infront of my eyes so I dont rock the boat.

Just then the door goes. Standing at the door is someone I dismissed from work 2 years ago. I thought to myself oh my god someone finally come to finish me off (it was a recurring nightmare I had when I worked in HR). He looks up and recognises me. He’d come about the census apparently on the gov website it looks like we hadnt filled it in. I show the confirmation email to show we have.

As I shut the door, my phones going off. I look at it as it rings off. It’s the ex wife. I ask my husband to check his. He has 2 missed calls, a text asking where her daughter is and a vile voicemail with her shouting down the phone.

He calls her back. She doesn’t even say hello and starts shouting where is my daughter. I see the hubby get riled. He starts shouting back don’t shout at me which is pointless as now they’re both shouting.

Basically in the rush of getting us ready so I can take her to the test site, an important meeting with his boss and other work bits, he forgot to tell his ex wife that my SD wasnt in school today. She found out from one of the school mums.

She obviously feels guilt as she knows she shouldn’t have sent her in on the Wednesday and should’ve got her tested. If she had the virus she could’ve infected 30 other children all seeing family over the Easter period. So to deflect away from the fact she is an awful selfish parent she focuses on she didnt know where she was. The call ends with her apologising for her approach and then she starts the usual tears coupled with I just didn’t know where my daughter was (obviously she would be with us).

I’m so flipping mad at my husband for not telling her she was off school and that we were getting her tested. She’s her parent and deserves to know. Like a stubborn teenager he’s retort was “well she wouldn’t have told me”.

Feeling emotionally exhausted I head out for a walk with a friend. My feelings are all jumbled in my head. If I’m honest I just want to grab BB and run away to the lakes or devon.

During the walk my friend asks what’s the deal with me not drinking. Most of the time I deflect with something small like dieting, antibiotics, health etc. Today shell shocked, I decide to start clawing back some of my authenticity and I’m brutally honest. I explain the secret sips in the kitchen, drinking every day, the loud voice inside my head. She’s so lovely about it and says she wishes there was something she could say or do to reassure me. I tell her just listening and accepting is enough.

I come home. Both kids are in bed. The house is clean and pizza has been ordered. I get a big hug. He apologises that all of the commotion for the evening interrupted our chat.

We talk. I tell him exactly how I feel. He listens. He apologises, he admits he’s been snappy at the little things and doesnt know why. We talk about what irks me and he promises to try harder.

We then discuss the ex. How he could’ve handled it better.

We head to bed. I feel so much better, lighter almost.

Today is good friday. I’m going to make it good.

Lobe

JS x

Day 263 – Still Standing

I’m still standing (just). After vowing to never eat another bite of chocolate on saturday night, I’ve had some every day. Some days I’ve binged. Some days I’ve had just a little. I’ve decided to park it for now and enjoy Easter. I’ll let future me deal with this.

It’s been warm and sunny here (apart from today). BB and I have visited our favourite National Trust so she can scream “ducks” loudly whilst chasing them and shoving their bread in her mouth. Its adorable to watch, but apparently I’m the worst mummy in the world for not letting her throw herself off a bridge and into the water after them.

The nice weather has made me wistfully dream of having a gin in the sunshine. I keep reminding myself how out of control I felt and visualise how I used to hide in the kitchen having secret sips. Its working for now.

My step daughter came home from school yesterday with a cough, temperature and cold. Her mum had fed her full of calpol (to reduce the temperature) and sent her in that morning and not mentioned it to us. Apparently my SD felt so poorly on Tuesday night she slept on the sofa in her mums office whilst her mum worked as she wanted to be close to her mum. She’s ended up over tired as she didnt sleep well on the sofa and woke in the night when her mum had left and didnt know where she was.

I had to cancel my work today and my god mum (who’s in my bubble and was going to watch BB) to take her for a test. To say I was disappointed in her mums behaviour is an understatement. I also feel desperately sorry for my SD wanting to be close to her mum whilst she’s left on a sofa in the office whilst her mum works into the evening.

After coming back from the test centre the 3 of us have made brownies together (both enjoyed licking the bowl out the most). Thankfully her result came back in 3 hours as negative.

My husband is doing my head in. I feel like we’re really disjointed and not connected at the moment. We talk about things that annoy each other and I feel like I’m trying to do everything to remember to stop doing the stuff that irks him. But no effort is being made on his part the other way. I also feel like I can’t raise it as last time he exploded at me and silently sulked for days. Walking on eggshells comes to mind.

So that’s where I am today. Currently watching an Easter film with the SD whilst BB naps.

Hope everyone else is well?

Love

JS xx

Day 258 – Excess

I seem to do everything in life to excess. Drinking, eating, exercising, skin care, I’m either all in or completely out.

It’s around 3am in the morning here in England and I’ve just been horrifically sick. It’s completely my fault.

I decided for 4 weeks I wouldn’t eat dairy or sugar as I’ve previously felt great doing this before.

After the cravings passed in the first week, I noticed improved energy levels. I was no longer having a dip in the afternoon and felt less irritable early evening. As my cravings went, my urge to binge quietened too. It still raised it’s ugly head occasionally, but it felt controllable and an uncomfortable feeling I could sit with.

Fast forward 4 weeks. Friday eve whilst enjoying a bath I started planning how I was going to break. I had a family pack of malteaser bunnies and I was going to treat myself. My husband fancied a loaded cheesecake and we were going to share one for dessert.

Saturday morning came round and I weighed myself. To say I was slightly disappointed to have only lost 2lbs in a month is an understatement. I was completely gutted. In my head I thought with running 4x a week and healthy eating I’d have shifted more.

This moved to feelings of disgust at my body. Instead of appreciating how strong it was for running, doing yoga, carrying a child and being a kick ass active mum, it felt fat, lumpy, useless.

It came round to lunch time and I began to eat the malteaser pack in earnest. Thankfully BB was napping. After the initial hit, it felt like I was going through the motions. I could’ve been eating any food, I wasn’t enjoying it for what it was. This is like my relationship with alcohol, after the initial ahh moment, I then used to continue zoning out and just cramming it in.

An hour later I was sleepy, irritable with the sugar rush jitters. It was so weird to actively acknowledge it. I remember shockingly that I used to feel like this regularly.

I pushed through and took BB (beautiful baby), to the park after nap time. I noticed I was more snappy with my husband than normal. But then again he was being more annoying.

This evening after tea, we tucked into cheesecake. In all honesty I didnt even want it, but my husband was so excited I went along with it. Once I started eating I felt implused to continue to cram it in even though my body was telling me to stop.

Tonight around 1am I awoke. Heart pounding, thirsty and feeling horrifically sick. I tried anti sickness medication, it didn’t work and I end up throwing up. It gave some relief but was horrible to experience.

I know you’re probably reading this and wondering why the hell I’m recording this. I’ve reread it myself and appreciate it’s so boring to read. But I feel its important to document how I feel so when I’m next at the cross roads I can reread this post.

From this I take

  1. How emotive weighing myself made me feel. It made me judge my body harshly and changed my mood and outlook
  2. How my addictive voice over rode what I knew my body needed (to stop eating, not eat the cheesecake). I need to recognise and honor this more.
  3. How I went along with something I knew would make me feel poorly to please my husband. He would be gutted if he knew. It’s just before we used to drink together and I know how much he loves dessert.
  4. My bodies response to today. The feeling of disgust, nausea and guilt after consuming. The physical feelings of needing to be sick, the jittery sugar rush, the hangover feeling crash.
  5. How I use certain food like alcohol. After the initial enjoyment I binge to chase the feeling. Often to a point of detriment to my health.

So those are my 3am musings. I think it will be a while before I can eat sugar and dairy again.

Love

JS xx

Day 257 – That uncomfortable feeling

I watched an episode of the amazing “This is us” earlier in the week and unexpectedly it brought up a whole host of uncomfortable feelings. They’ve stuck around with me all week, lurking in the shadows. So I thought I’d purge/share on here.

The episode was in series 5, examining the link of baseball between the father and sons in the series. In one scene, Jack’s dad comes to watch Jack play baseball and sinks a 6 pack whilst watching. Jack is probably aged around 13 years old.

When Jack comes off the pitch it is clear to him his dad is drunk. He is cruel to him and drunkenly drops his car keys on the floor as he tells Jack to get into the car to go home.

You can see the turmoil in Jack’s face. He knows his dad is not capable of driving safely and he is worried and fearful of the journey home. He is also fearful of his dad and confronting the issue in front of him.

He suggests why dont they hang about for a bit and the dad is straight on at him. What, you don’t think I’m capable of driving? I’ve only had a couple? Who are you to question me? He makes his young son drive them home.

You can see the concentration on Jack’s face whilst he’s trying to drive a car for the first time on main roads, under his drunk dads instruction. Believing its safer for him to drive with no training, than his dad. It made me cry.

It also brought memories flooding back of my childhood. My parents would always drink too much at Bbqs/parties and then squabble after who’s turn it was to drive. I remember anticipating the ride home, watching each parent drink and counting their drinks, feeling sick and out of control. Especially when going home came round. Remembering their squabbles as we were bundled into the car, then gripping tightly onto the side of the car. Breathing carefully and watching each turn. Feeling sick with anxiety.

I must’ve been under 10 years old as my father left on my 10th birthday.

One occasion I remember the squabble and my mum deciding she would drive. The route would’ve been a 15 minute journey, I can still see it in my head. My dad fought back, he was ok to drive he said. But my mum insisted.

Half way home, he was all over the place and couldn’t keep his head up. I remember my mum asking what he’d “really had to drink” and he replied whisky chasers. I can remember this as clear as day.

These memories are bumbling around in my head and make me feel so uncomfortable. I feel the anxiety again as if I’m in that moment.

But I also feel it’s an important reminder. My children will never know that fear. I will never be drunk infront of them, fumbling over seat belts whilst squabbling over who’s the least drunk. They will never feel the fear of getting into the car, knowing their parents have been reckless with their lives. That brings some relief and makes my resolve even stronger.

Love

JS x