Day 137 – Yoga

I’ve set myself the challenge of doing yoga every day in November following Adrienne’s home series. I’m surprised how much I enjoy the sessions, how my hips feel better when running and how I can feel antsy until I’ve planned it into my day.

Another completely unexpected benefit is the extra bonding time with my rescue cat. Some of you might remember, on 21st September this year we adopted a stinky, greasy, fur ball we named Dexter.

Dexter eats anything (scraps in the sink, bread from the bread bin etc) and it breaks my heart to think he lived as a stray and went hungry. For the first 2 weeks we completely over fed him, trying in our naivety to spoil him and he kept leaving us presents everywhere. Of the stinky kind.

After regulating his diet, whilst we do get the occasional present, he has completely flourished into this beautiful family cat. He sleeps on my SDs bed, plays with BB and her toys and follows me around like a little shadow.

The latest thing he’s really got into is yoga. Every night I roll out my mat to heavy breathe and listen to Adriennes wisdom and out he comes. He’ll sprawl over the mat, moving out the way in synchronicity with my movement. I’ve only nearly flattened him once with a cobra.

I’m loving this side to him and love the unexpected benefit of yoga… bonding time with my little love bug. He helps me laugh at my wobbly lunges and makes all the positions a little light hearted. I think his favourite is the forward fold as it means lots of head rubs. (Photos below)

How are you all today? Have you found any unexpected benefits of yoga?

love

JS & Dexy

Day 136 – Patchwork Quilt

I’ve tried to write this post three or four different times today.

I recieved a patchwork quilt I had made yesterday, which had all of my favourite outfits my daughter had worn in the first year of her life. I’m gifting it to her at Christmas and I secretly hope it becomes “the blanket” she takes everywhere with her.

I wanted to write how lifes journey seems like one big patchwork quilt. Of scraps of happy memories, but of your happy memories.

I wanted to cleverly link it to sobriety and say how being sober is the new thread that links it together. The old drinking thread, was worn, exhausted and messy. How the new thread is vibrant, strong and neat. How I’m now attaching memories with little resilient cross stitches.

However, BB woke me up at 2:36am and I’ve been awake ever since. It appears my brain also can’t cope with lack of sleep sober as it did as a drinker. Therefore this is as eloquently as I can put it for now.

I had a good session with the counsellor today. I had a family issue rear its head yesterday. One I’d been expecting for a while but secretly hoping for the last year wouldnt come. It made me feel sick with anxiety and it was some of the strongest emotions I had experienced in a long time. Instead of wanting to binge I immediately wanted to purge. Expel the feeling from my body.

I went in a dream like state to the bathroom and almost on auto pilot leant over the toilet. At the last minute I asked myself what I was doing and I managed to stop. I’ve never managed to stop before.

I havent purged in years and was shocked and a little frightened how automatic it felt. The dreamlike state, detachment, how fast it happened.

When talking to the counsellor we discussed the emotions that lead up to it. In reflection it was the same emotions I felt as a child. The out of control feeling, powerlessness, anxiety, not being good enough. I’d never linked the two before and it felt really empowering doing so. I’m starting to slowly get to grips with asking myself what does my reaction tell me about myself.

So that’s me today. How are all you? Hope you’re all ok

Love

JS x

Day 133 – Lockdown Weekends

I’ve been really lucky this weekend to get out and meet an old university friend for a socially distanced stomp. It felt so refreshing seeing someone I hold so dear, catching up, sharing covid horror stories and discussing life.

She’s been a friend since we met at university many many moons ago. One of the lovely things about our friendship, is we literally don’t talk every week, we can go a month or even 2 without talking. But when we do catch up it’s like nothing has changed.

We discussed sobriety and she admitted she had also drastically cut back and we both agreed the positives outweighed the negatives when it came to quitting. I didn’t have the courage to tell her about my binge eating disorder, even though I know she would have been accepting and supportive.

Whenever we part, I always seem to mourn the easy going days where we lived in each others pockets (mainly in our pjs), but I’m proud of us for maintaining our friendship.

It also felt incredibly weird being without my daughter. Normally the least time I spend without her is her 2 hour nap time. Driving my car and not seeing BB’s cheeky face peeking out of the mirror by her car seat was really strange.

This has been the first weekend without my step daughter also for 3 weeks. In a month we’ve had her around 21 days and although we are finding our family rhythms as a blended family. I also enjoy it when it’s my daughter and hubby, it’s more chilled and BB gets more attention. We must be doing something right though as she text off her mums phone this weekend saying how much she missed us, which really touched me.

I’m slightly behind the trend with lockdown, but I’ve finally baked some soda bread. BB loved it for her lunch and even the hubster was quite impressed.

In other news, I’ve still done yoga every day in November so far (thanks for the encouragement). Today was stir and as I did it I felt my roast dinner stir inside me lol. I’ve also managed not to binge, I’m still keeping to a food schedule and a food diary. These 2 small tasks seem to be helping immensely. I already feel more positive and in control.

So that’s me. Loving this sober life (it still feels like a super power) and getting to grips with this eating disorder.

I read an interview with Gary Barlow yesterday and he admitted to having one, so its slowly coming more in the opened. He said it took 18months to get grips into his life and 10 years to beat. My husband was horrified it took that long when I told him. But it gave me comfort that even celebrities with all their wealth and opportunity have a slow recovery. Gary said in the article he’s finally come to terms with the fact there’s some foods he just can’t eat as it will restart it and I’m beginning to think it might be the same for me.

Anyway I’m rambling now. Happy Sunday evening to you all

Love

JS x

Day 131 – Hanging in there

Just a quick one to wish everyone a happy friday. I’m still sober, still working on binge eating and liking myself again. Still doing yoga, a food diary and an eating schedule. Still have a stinky (but cute) rescue cat

Hows everyone else on this dreary rainy friday afternoon?

Love

JS x

Day 128 – Winner

I think the universe likes to play funny tricks on us. Just as my scheduled eating was working for me, life threw a curve ball. I’d won a competition for a Autumnal treat box. Inside was lots of yummy treats.

This sent me into another anxiety driven spiral, until I managed to make a plan. I would enjoy the marshmallows at snack time and savour them. The honeycomb I’d give to my god father who has a sweet tooth. The popcorn I’d save for my step daughter and the fruit cake would be a nice treat for the hubster during his mid afternoon slump.

And that is what I’ve done. Once I made the plan, I enjoyed sharing it out and that feeling outweighed the guilt I’d feel scoffing it all.

When my god mum came to look after BB today as I had some work to do, i shared with her about my eating disorder. I was so nervous telling her and cried during the conversation but she was so lovely and supportive. She asked how long it had been happening for and when I told her she grabbed my hand and said she wish I’d told her sooner. I replied I didnt think I was ready to admit it to myself until recently. She’s said once I’m at a place where I’m happy whenever that will be, we will go out for a girls day and that felt lovely. I’m so lucky to have her as a surrogate mum (especially as my mum is so crumby).

In other news BB has just learnt to blow kisses and its adorable.

That’s it today, hope you’re all ok? I’m still doing yoga and have managed not to fully binge. Big congrats to Leafy for 100 days and Clairei47 for a whole year.

Lots of Love

JS xx

Day 126 – Standing on the Edge

Yesterday I took a day off social media to spend with family. I ended up being tested with my eating disorder, but hopefully it’s taught me an important lesson.

The day started with a muddy 2.5 mile stomp with the SD over the fields by us. She jumped in puddles, ditches and we played pooh sticks as the rain came lashing down.

It was so much fun to be outside in a rain storm, we both loved it. After 2hours we came home, peeled off our wet clothes and warmed up.

The hubby was being forced to do a date night. He had to chose what to cook, decorate the table and then we both were going to put on something fancy. I was going to stand in the porch and he was going to let me in for this date night.

Now the husband loves binging too, but doesn’t think he has a problem. I think it’s all subjective on how it makes you feel. I get a ton of anxiety over eating whereas he doesn’t and just enjoys the food. Anyway gets to 4pm, I’m just starting BBs (beautiful babys) tea and I realise he hasnt cooked anything.

I enquired why and he said he thought he’d get take out what do I fancy? I automatically say pizza and cheesecake, 2 of my favourite binge foods.

I’m disappointed he hasnt cooked anything and feel let down he hasnt taken the date night seriously. I stand in the kitchen mad at him and myself . I feel like I’m weak, I know this food will set off a binge and I don’t want to start a 2 week binge cycle off as I know how hard it is to break.

Whilst waiting for BBs tea to cool down I think f**k it and impulsively eat a bowl of rice pudding, which I’d normally avoid because dairy makes me feel rubbish and it has a high sugar content. On a roll now I start eyeing up the treat cupboards.

Then something inside happens. It feels like I’m standing on the edge looking down into an abyss. If I take the plunge with pizza and cheese cake I’ll tumble down, spiralling further and further in to the dark.

I grab my keys and tell my husband I’m popping out to get us tea that I dont want pizza and cheesecake. He tells me he’s ordered chinese instead. I still feel stirred up, but I know chinese isnt one of my binge foods I could take it or leave it.

I get all emotional and tell him how out of control I feel and for the moment I need a plan, I can’t do last minute options. That choice is overwhelming and I dont trust myself. He listens and gives me a big hug. He acknowledges that it’s not the same for him and he doesn’t really understand but he’ll support me nevertheless.

That evening whilst BB is being put down, I put on a nice dress and my SD does my hair and make up for me (think lots of unicorn slides and glitter lip gloss). I hide in the porch and knock and they let me in.

I’d set the table all nice with candles and the hubby had brought alcohol free wine. We ate the Chinese and I enjoyed it.

I stopped when I was full and didn’t over indulge. I also felt proud of myself. Something so silly and barmy, but I feel like I’ve taken a massive step. I’ve never managed to pull myself back once I’ve started a f**k it before.

After the meal, we dance (read I made the hubby dance) to our wedding song and then we change into our pjs. He tells me he actually loved date night and could we do it once a month. I’m in charge of Decembers one.

What the experience has taught me is that when I dont have a plan it’s easy to feel out of control which leads to binging. I also used the exercises I’d completed in my book, the positives of quitting to help remind me why when I started. I also visualised how I would feel after having a binge and how disappointed and guilty I would be.

I also need to be better writing in my food diary when the SD is here. Shes so nosey I’ve been neglecting it, but it really does help.

So that’s the learning curve this weekend. It’s now Sunday afternoon and I’ve just done my yoga. How’s everyone elses weekend been?

Love JS x

Day 124 – 4 months

So I reached 4 months yesterday and didn’t even realise until my sister text me to congratulate me (she reached 4 months today). I feel so proud that I’ve got here and thankful to the blog and you guys for all your support.

When she text I’d literally just seen this image on someone’s stories on Instagram. I thought it was apt so have borrowed it for this blog, as I think its important to remember.

Yesterday I was bone weary. I was going to a mamas baby club that provided lunch. I’d worried about eating a lunch out of my control for days before, like deep in my gut no sleep worry. But when the lunch came it was fine. It didn’t kick start a binge like I anticipated and I shared the slice of pizza with BB. She enjoyed her first taste of the cheesy good stuff and there starts her love affair with pizza.

After the lunch I felt like I’d ran a marathon. Everything ached, I was tired and weary. I think my body had been in fight or flight for so long that after the event it just turned to mush.

Today I’ve been tired but no where near as bad. I had my counselling and I’ve some how have progressed forward 2 steps on my own with out realising (food diary and meal planning/structured eating). I feel theres been a sort of light bulb moment, when I’m not structured or when I restrict that’s when I binge. Sounds so silly writing it down as it’s a bit obvious really, but now I recognise another tool that will help.

I have the next one booked for next week and I’ve got some visualisation home work to do before then which I’m sort of dreading but excited about.

In the mean time I’ll keep plodding. I’ve managed not to binge and still doing yoga every day. I’ve also been running a little bit which I’m enjoying. I feel like I’m starting to enter a more positive headspace and its definitely welcomed with open arms.

How is everyone in this lovely community doing?

Love

JS x

Day 122 – Food Anxiety

Day 122 today, hanging in there by my teeth. It all feels a little bit harder at the moment. I don’t know if it’s the weather (wet and windy), Englands politics (stinky and windy) or the virus and lockdown. Or it could be I’m changing inside and change is uncomfortable.

I’ve been doing a food diary since starting counselling last week for my binge eating disorder. What I’m noticing is any food that is off the days schedule (which consists of breakfast, lunch and tea and maybe a handful of nuts), gives me a ton of anxiety.

For example at the weekend I went to my favourite deli for sauerkraut. Whilst queuing I felt awful. Sweaty palms and racing thoughts, “would I be able to control myself? Should I pick up a cake or 2? Maybe a bit of cheese? I deserve a treat”. Just like the nasty alcohol voice it was there putting pressure on me. Trying to seduce me to binge eat.

Then yesterday I was bored and fancied some crisps whilst watching bake off. But it turned into this massive dilemma in my head. “Should I have them? I’m not hungry? Will this cause a binge? Will I eat a whole big bag”.

I think because I’ve always eaten to extremes before, I’ve not got a clue how to eat normally anymore. What slight over indulgence is and how often etc. I either eat like a rabied raccoon or I don’t eat.

I decided to have the crisps but only a few. But the whole thing including moderation caused so much anxiety I didn’t enjoy them. I feel like there’s so much feeling wrapped up in food I’ve labelled bad in my head. Its going to take some time to undo. I’ve been eating like this since 12/13. It will be like learning to eat again.

Has anyone else felt like this? I’ve just started some exercises to start working through. It feels like being back at school, I put it off and fight against it. But then when I’m engrossed I actually enjoy it.

How you’re all ok, safe from covid and well.

Love

JS x

Ps BB is back to her sassy pants self 😂

Day 121 – Hospital Dash

Yesterday after posting I had a scare.

I think every mum, dad, care giver dreads the day their children get ill. Most the time it’s a sniffle, a virus or a tummy bug. But a few parents are truly unlucky and their child gets really sick. Fast.

It must be gut wrenching.

Yesterday, after being poorly over the weekend, BB’s little rash turned ugly. It looked like bruises were covering her whole torso. When I put her in the bath to try and placate her (it’s one of her favourite places), I noticed her arms had turned a purple mottled colour.

My heart lept into my mouth. I was convinced it was meningitis or something else horribly serious. Quickly I pulled her out of the bath, dried her and drove her up to the hospital.

The hospital were absolutely brilliant. They saw us as soon as we arrived. I was crying and as soon as I said about her arms we were off into another room.

They checked her over and did some tests. They said it’s a nasty viral infection and that she could go home. Obviously she gave the nurse her first smile of the day. The nurses were absolutely fantastic and said they’d rather I brought her up 10x and it be this then not bring her and it be really serious.

We drove home, she had her favourite custard for dinner and then lots of cuddles. The relief I felt was indescribable. I covered her in kisses, blew raspberries and munched her little feet.

That evening I said to my hubby it’s the closest I felt to wanting a drink. I had such an urge, sitting there, BB in bed. It felt all consuming.

Confessing it to my hubster helped. He reminded me why. Its obviously still wired in as a coping mechanism deep down. I went and did my yoga but then urge still lingered.

Today she’s woken up, she’s chatting more and happier. Her rash is still there but my urge to drink has gone.

So I’ve managed to get to day 121 and I’ve done yoga every day of November and still not binged. I dont recognise myself any more but I’m liking this new person.

How is everyone?

Love

JS x

Day 120 – Big little feelings

Yesterday I woke up in such a funk and it completely took me by surprise. The night before I’d had my glorious self care night and watched virgin river, in bed, with a tonic water. I’d had 8 hours sleep. I’d set myself up for a great Sunday.

All morning I felt anxious, snappy and on edge. I warned the husband and blamed hormones and gritted my teeth when he and my SD decided to join me and BB on our daily walk.

Literally everything both of them did, made me mad. It took all my self control to smile, act calm and loving.

Once BB was on her nap, I was back out the door and running over the fields to let off steam. I literally couldn’t fathom why I felt like this.

I came home, showered and started sorting. I’ve managed to find someone to make me a patchwork quilt out of all of BBs newborn and first year clothes.

I’d hummed and ahhed over it for ages.

I wanted a way of remembering her little baby grows and outfits, but the thought of cutting them up seemed too final. After about a week of deliberation I’d settled on going forward and yesterday was the afternoon I had put aside to go through her clothes.

I opened her newborn box and started crying. Not pretty tears, but the big uglies. Finally I realised why I felt so rubbish. It was like saying good bye to that part of her childhood. Looking over tiny clothes she would never wear again, that I’d never be able to dress her in. These feelings took me completely by surprise, I dont think I’d have let myself feel this before. I’d have numbed it with alcohol.

I selected the clothes and sorted them into piles. A friend of mine is due a little girl any day so I sorted some items for her too.

At the end I felt teary, but strong. I didn’t realise how much I’d dreaded that task and subconsciously built it up in my head. The old me would’ve drank my way through it or at least got hammered the night before and after.

I’ve dropped the clothes off at the super talented ladies house and can’t wait to see what the end result is. I’m hoping it’s something BB will treasure for the rest of her life (if not her mama certainly will).

It’s taken some time to work through the feelings which is why I didnt post yesterday. I’m still sober and I haven’t binged for November. Trying to make a whole month is hard, but I’m determined to take it day by day.

How are you all? Hope all my lovely American friends are enjoying the celebrations.

Lots of Love

JS