Today I’m so grateful for water. The vast lakes of the lake district that cleanse your soul. The babbling brooks that make my beautiful baby laugh with delight. The rain splashing my face that makes me feel alive. The water that hydrates my body and is the liquid fuel for every step.
Today we did 2 hikes, one round a lake and one to a waterfall. Before BB my gorgeous hubster and I were the outdoor types. We loved weekends away hiking, wild swimming, trying gorge scrambling, canoe days and paddle boarding. Then BB came along in October and we stopped. I had a horrible birth and BB had jaundice so we were stuck in hospital for a week. I struggled with breast feeding due to her not taking to it and being premature. A dark horrible part of me was relieved I couldn’t breast feed so I could drink freely without considering feeding. It felt like I could be “me” again and not “mum” and in doing this “get back to normal”.
I hate myself for this.
It’s my worst secret, but I feel it’s an important one to share. I’ve never told anyone before.
16 days ago I made a promise to myself and BB that I would become the best mother I could be. Today, I woke up hangover free, alert and grateful. I’m in one of my favourite places in the whole world. With the people I love the most.
Today we have wandered around the lake and together we have shown BB waterfalls, cows, sheep, ducks. The list is endless. And once again I feel so alive and thankful. Hiking shorter distances, even with BB makes me feel like “us” again.
So far one of the biggest bonuses of giving up for me is the unexpected gratitude for the small things. The view from our bedroom window or us all laughing in our rain gear as the wet weather rolls in for example.
I know not every day will feel like this.
I get there’s going to be some hard points, some tests along the way. But I needed to write this down, so when they happen I can refer back to this post. I am so happy and grateful with this normal and I am content.
JS xx ps check out the view from the window