I woke up today and cried. Not big screwed up face gluppy tears, but very close to getting there. I was so sad my first holiday with BB and hubby was over. I’d really enjoyed the build up and anticipation towards the holiday, then being in a lovely little cottage in grasmere and showing BB new things.
It was 6:30am, hubby had just come back from his run when he walked in and found his (hot) mess of a wife. He asked what was up and I told him, hands over my eyes to try and stop the tears from flowing.
Patiently he sat on the bed, listening not saying much. When I finished he told me to get up and go for a run. Or a wild swim. But whatever I do, I need to enjoy the last few hours of the holiday and get out of the funk.
So I found myself 15 minutes later on the little shore of Grasmere, which the cottage backs on to. The sun is peeking over the hills, the water is as still as glass. I decide to finish my cuppa down here and use the cup to balance my phone to record the swim.
And that’s what I do. I’m not in long. Maybe 10 minutes. But I feel so caught up in the moment. The sun breaks and the bluely light of the lake changes to warm tones. The water is cool on my skin and some ducks come over to investigate.
I finish my swim and take some deep breaths by the lake. I can do this.
Some how now it feels like the true test of abstaining starts now. That everything before the holiday was the prelude and the real test is keeping sober when the drudgery of normal life hits.
And I’m ready for it. At least today, I’m ready. Swim or paddle, I’m going to keep my head above water.
I rewatch the swim video this evening to remember the feeling of feeling so alive and at peace. I intend to watch it every time life or the dark swarmy cloud catches up with me. To show I don’t need alcohol to bring me serenity.
What is your go to?