Day 33 – love, life, loss

Yesterday ended up being the biggest test so far in sobriety and in all honesty I would’ve broke if it wasnt for my husband.

I got the all clear from the boob clinic which was fantastic and I feel very lucky. I came home and was playing with BB just after her afternoon nap. We have lovely neighbours and have a whatsap group for any news on our little close.

Most the time it’s humourous. We have a little rescue cat called Karen, who sat in a rescue for a year before we rescued her. I had her on the first day I moved into my little house, it’s always been me and her, before the hubster joined the party.

Karen is like 6 dinner Sid and has made herself at home with most of our neighbours. Often when coming home from work or the shops we’d find her nonchalantly looking out of our neighbours window. Quite often licking her paws like she’d just had a tasty meal. Our whatsap group has been used for when she’d swiped the chicken from number 18 and when she’d helped herself to sausages from number 12s plate next to the bbq.

So when we got a message asking which number owned the little cat, we braced ourselves for another swiped food incident and replied with our house number. A minute later there was a knock on the door, one of our neighbours had Karen in their arms. Apparently she had collapsed on their driveway and thankfully their kids had run to get their parents.

We rushed her to the vets but unfortunately she didn’t make it. On a scan, before she passed, it showed one of her heart chambers was 3x the size it should have been. This had caused a clot which had caused temporary partial paralysis.

I’m even sobbing today as typing this. Karen was the sassiest, scrappiest, cheekiest cat I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. BB and her sister adored her and it just feels so weird without her. My legs still curled up last night when in bed to make room for her and my hubby and I both woke up at 4am when she’d normally jump through our bedroom window for head rubs. She was so loved, an intrinsic part of our family.

My husband came back from the vets yesterday and we sat in shock, crying and then we heard the door go. In the sadness and mayhem of the afternoon we had forgotten my mother was coming to babysit as we had a foodie thing at a castle not too far from home.

Now my mother isn’t known for her soft heart. I tearfully explained what happened and she was like off you go, put BB to bed, get your make up and go out. It will make you feel better.

And that’s what we did. I cried in the car, cried at the venue (if you saw a weird weeping girl at Warwick castle last night, hi, that was me), and cried when we got home. But it felt good to get out.

They had 3 bars there and I felt such a pull to the gin bar. I actually said to my hubster I think I fancy a gin and tonic eyeing up the gin cocktails. My mum had even said have a drink tonight to relax you deserve it.

But thankfully my sensible husband said, “how would you feel tomorrow if you woke up and had failed at the first real test. On top of Kazbar passing.” And he was right. I had a sparkling water and sat in the ground of a beautiful castle pondering life with my husband. All the battles, love and loss the castle must have seen over the years.

So day 33 and everything feels a bit raw, my feelings feel more magnified and tears more freely flowing. It feels so weird not numbing it out with alcohol. My husband is out playing golf this afternoon so I’ve arranged for a friend to come over when BB is in bed to distract me from the gin cupboard. It helps she’s just text letting me know she’s extremely hungover.

Hope everyone’s had a good Friday. What was your first big test with sobriety?

Love

JS x

ps a photo of my little Kazbar

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

27 thoughts on “Day 33 – love, life, loss

  1. Ah I’m so sorry this happened, there’s no words to help, but you did so well to not drink last night especially when you were talking yourself into it…proud and envious!!

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  2. I’m so sorry. Good job taking care of Kazbar and giving her a lovely life!
    The castle looks awesome and I am jealous. Northern Canada doesn’t offer many castles. My sister lives in London, but I can’t go visit again fir a while.,

    Suggestion – empty the gin cupboard. An alcohol free house has saved me from myself many times over the years. Many.

    Stillness and peace
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, I think if I didnt have my hubby at home I would. But I dont want his life to change too much too.
      My Canadian friend said the exact same. When she first moved here I told her I was taking her to a stately home, she was like no thanks. But I took her anyway to the home where the gun powder plot was hatched against James 1st. When we got there, her jaw dropped. She thought I’d just meant a normal home and not “an old fancy one”. The scenery in Canada tho is meant to be out of this world. One day I’ll see it 😊

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  3. Ohhhh honey I am so so sorry. Fellow cat person here. Your hubs sounds wonderful though, and you did a great job to sit there through the pain with no gin. I have not passed any sobriety tests so far! We will see, with birthday weekend and then hubs leaving for a week…

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    1. Thanks ♡ and you will. And he is (when he wants to be). This weekend is such a biggie with 2 big things isnt it, so take it an hour at a time. You’ve got this. Do you feel any better for abstaining so far

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  4. Oh that’s super sad. I have just said the same on Jackie’s (morrisfamily2222) post … pets are such a huge part of our family. It’s devastating to be without them. I’m so sorry and sending hugs 🤗
    Really good for you not drinking. It would not have helped. Not one bit xxx

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    1. They are indeed, we are still really missing her. What’s really lovely is neighbours have also popped up to say how sorry they are and that they miss her too. She definitely was the neighbourhood cat 😂
      And thanks, its definitely made me realise how much I would’ve numbed it out. How are you getting on xxx

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      1. Lots of things I think. Work stuff not sorted out or finalised. Issues at home. The whole Covid thing. I think I’ll feel better when the boys are back at school and into a routine.

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      1. That’s good. You will feel sad for a while. Human nature but much better to deal with it sober and not reaching for the booze to get you through. 😍

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  5. Oh no, this post made me laugh and cry. Your poor Karen 😢 you’ve done fantastic though not drinking and you should be really proud of yourself. You would have worse today losing Karen and having gin so well done! Big hugs to you 💕

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  6. I am so very sorry, LSA.🙏 This has to be gut wrenching. I had to put my darling 20 yr old rescue down in February and it broke my heart. I swear she was part dog, part human and a little cat. We also had a bond like you and Karen. My kitty was Samantha–Sammy for short. I still feel her presence. So relieved you stayed strong…. that is a major victory! Your husband is gold!❤️

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    1. Thanks, it certainly feels that way 😂. And same, I think the more you put into animals the more you get out of them. She was also part dog, part human, part cat. And he is, I’m very lucky.

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