I’ve had a lot of time to think, since I’m just sat here unable to do much. A thought keeps running around my mind.
Now I’m a big believer in the film sliding doors, that everything happens for a reason and you always end up where you’re meant to be. However, there’s this niggling thought in the back of my head.
The thought is…. where would I be if I’d stopped drinking sooner? It’s come as a surprise over the last 69 days to learn not everyone drinks at least a bottle of wine a night. When I was single, I used to go out (or at least heavily) every night from Wednesday to Saturday and then day drink on a Sunday. I used to roll into work feeling and looking utter shite, desperate for caffeine, clock watching. I loved my job, but I used to get so frustrated on why I wasn’t progressing up the corporate ladder. But then I wouldn’t have the confidence to leave and go for the next career step and was in limbo land of heavily drinking and blaming everyone else for why I felt stuck.
It’s come as a surprise, no actually, a complete revelation on how much extra energy I’ve got, how much more motivated I am, how I sleep better, have found the fire in my belly. I look at other women, around the same age, being totally kick ass and nailing their chosen career path. I used to be in complete wonder how they did it. Now I bet, one of the reasons is because they don’t hide behind a bottle 5 nights a week.
I’ve also been reflecting on friendships I’ve let go over the last 8 years. There’s been 4 people, maybe even 5 who I was really close to at some point in my life. And for whatever reason we’ve fallen out or stopped texting and drifted apart. No big arguments, just a slow cold freeze. I think in at least 2 it was down to my drinking.
Both were my single drinking partners and we used to go out at least once a week. When they met someone new they didn’t have time to do that anymore. In all honestly, I think on reflection I was jealous of their new relationships (as mine were usually disastrous) and gutted I’d lost a drinking partner. At the time I felt “dropped” but in reality their lives were just moving on and our friendships were just adjusting. I couldn’t handle that. So instead of being happy for my friends I bitterly cut them out. I’m not looking to make amends with them, but I feel at peace knowing now my part I had to play in it. It feels like a missing puzzle piece slotted back together so I can now let go.
I also have remorse that it feels for the first time, I’m actually getting to know myself (cringing as writing this). If you’d told me 2 years ago, I’d be gutted I couldn’t get up before dawn to swim in a cold lake due to a sore shoulder I’d have laughed and laughed and laughed (then swigged my gin). But I’m actually gutted I can’t swim tomorrow. Since quitting I feel at peace, not running here or there. I’m finally happy to sit still with my thoughts and just be.
Have you reflected a lot since giving up?
So reflection Saturday. Tomorrow, I’m doing a treasure hunt for the hubby’s anniversary gift and I’ve been so excited to do this for him and my step daughter. In other news, we maybe adopting a cat. But will say more when I know.
Love JS xx