Day 69 -Drinkers Remorse

I’ve had a lot of time to think, since I’m just sat here unable to do much. A thought keeps running around my mind.

Now I’m a big believer in the film sliding doors, that everything happens for a reason and you always end up where you’re meant to be. However, there’s this niggling thought in the back of my head.

The thought is…. where would I be if I’d stopped drinking sooner? It’s come as a surprise over the last 69 days to learn not everyone drinks at least a bottle of wine a night. When I was single, I used to go out (or at least heavily) every night from Wednesday to Saturday and then day drink on a Sunday. I used to roll into work feeling and looking utter shite, desperate for caffeine, clock watching. I loved my job, but I used to get so frustrated on why I wasn’t progressing up the corporate ladder. But then I wouldn’t have the confidence to leave and go for the next career step and was in limbo land of heavily drinking and blaming everyone else for why I felt stuck.

It’s come as a surprise, no actually, a complete revelation on how much extra energy I’ve got, how much more motivated I am, how I sleep better, have found the fire in my belly. I look at other women, around the same age, being totally kick ass and nailing their chosen career path. I used to be in complete wonder how they did it. Now I bet, one of the reasons is because they don’t hide behind a bottle 5 nights a week.

I’ve also been reflecting on friendships I’ve let go over the last 8 years. There’s been 4 people, maybe even 5 who I was really close to at some point in my life. And for whatever reason we’ve fallen out or stopped texting and drifted apart. No big arguments, just a slow cold freeze. I think in at least 2 it was down to my drinking.

Both were my single drinking partners and we used to go out at least once a week. When they met someone new they didn’t have time to do that anymore. In all honestly, I think on reflection I was jealous of their new relationships (as mine were usually disastrous) and gutted I’d lost a drinking partner. At the time I felt “dropped” but in reality their lives were just moving on and our friendships were just adjusting. I couldn’t handle that. So instead of being happy for my friends I bitterly cut them out. I’m not looking to make amends with them, but I feel at peace knowing now my part I had to play in it. It feels like a missing puzzle piece slotted back together so I can now let go.

I also have remorse that it feels for the first time, I’m actually getting to know myself (cringing as writing this). If you’d told me 2 years ago, I’d be gutted I couldn’t get up before dawn to swim in a cold lake due to a sore shoulder I’d have laughed and laughed and laughed (then swigged my gin). But I’m actually gutted I can’t swim tomorrow. Since quitting I feel at peace, not running here or there. I’m finally happy to sit still with my thoughts and just be.

Have you reflected a lot since giving up?

So reflection Saturday. Tomorrow, I’m doing a treasure hunt for the hubby’s anniversary gift and I’ve been so excited to do this for him and my step daughter. In other news, we maybe adopting a cat. But will say more when I know.

Love JS xx

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

15 thoughts on “Day 69 -Drinkers Remorse

  1. Such a positive post. It’s good to slow down and reflect. I’m immensely impressed that you have stopped drinking at the age you did. I wish I had stopped earlier, when the boys were small. I had some good fun drinking though and I wouldn’t change that. I’m just glad I stopped when I did. You seem in such a great place now. Enjoy 😊
    Excited to hear about the cat xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Claire. Tbh I’m scared if I didnt stop it would’ve spiralled pretty quickly where I could’ve lost those dear to me. It already had its claws in and was controlling a lot of my thoughts and actions xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes I have often felt ashamed of my past job performance and wondered how shit a friend I was during my heavy drinking days, but those were awhile ago. I still feel some guilt, but what can we do but move on and try to be better in the future? You are rocking it in that sense!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much ♡ it’s so strange as I loved my job but was flabbergasted why I wasn’t progressing. I was as high as I could go in my company but didn’t have the confidence (or motivation) to take the next step.

      Like

  3. There is so much awareness here. Keep this post for yourself, if you ever get the thought that maybe you might like a drink.
    Everything here is true. We get so dimmed and lulled into complacency when drinking. Seeing that is like opening the window and taking a deep breath. You are living.

    Stillness and peace
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What a great post! You’ve come a long way so quickly! I too have wondered where I’d be if I’d stopped earlier and like Claire I’m impressed you’ve stopped now – wish I’d not boozed my way through my girls childhoods but did have good times with good friends. I think being outwardly functional 🧐 and being in a drinking/drug social group kept me there longer but would being more obviously messed up have been better? I’d probably have divorced sooner and def would have progressed more in my job but also recognise now I’m not really a mainstream girl – was just trying to be for many years so who knows? We are where we are and I feel more real and whole than I have in years – hope the shoulder is better soon! 😘😘

    Like

  5. I think this may be my favorite post of yours so far! It all feels so true. I wonder about many of the same things. I especially wonder about my creativity and stress and self-confidence, and if those things would have been better if I had quit drinking earlier. Then again, I don’t know if I could have done it earlier so there’s that. I really relate to the lost friendships, too. That happened to me, too. 🤗😘

    Like

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