Day 83 – Moderation

Day 83

I’ve been thinking a lot today about moderation. It all started when a new dress arrived and discussing the next girls meal. Everyone was moaning about the grey day (I actually love grey days) and someone chipped in, was it too early to start on the wine. The response from the rest of the group was it was never too early and the discussion then led to where we would go out next.

The general consensus was a lovely independent cheese and wine bar which I’ve wrote about before on this blog. The one where the owner didn’t know my name, but knew what I drank.

My mind started to wander during this discussion. was this it? No more cocktails with the girls? What if I only drank when going out with the girls? Or on special occasions like Christmas? It wouldn’t be “that bad”. I’d still be cutting down and I could “handle it”. Just a glass of wine now or then or an espresso martini.

The thing is, what I’m learning during this process, is that unfortunately I’m an all or nothing person. The word moderation, literally does not process in my brain.

Last night I was feeling stressed so I decided to break my no sugar and dairy and have “a bit” of chocolate. We know how this ended…. a pack of biscuits, a bar of Cadburys later and I was hunting around the treat cupboard like something demented trying to find another bar of chocolate.

I remember the days before I stopped drinking. I would literally think of any excuse to drink nearly every night. I’ve had a bad day, the kids were hard work, I deserve one, I’ve submitted my work, there’s a Y in the day. Everyone else is drinking, how could I celebrate without a drink.

Before I stopped drinking, when making cocktails for the hubby and I, I was taking secret sips (well actually gulps) in the kitchen whilst mixing. My SD knew how to mix my favourite g&t and we would have g&t Sundays. I would competitively look at the glasses poured and always hope I’d get the biggest glass. I would make arrangements to meet friends without children, just so I could drink. My first night away from my daughter, I arranged a sleep over at a friends and we drank so much we were sick at 3am in the morning. And I felt relief and even more exhausted. I’d get the feeling inside me that I needed a bender to escape. I look at it now and think escape from what.

I’m actually petrified to return to how I was. The feeling of being out of control and something controlling me. So much so, I don’t want to risk “just one drink”. I look at what I’ve gained in just over 80 days and it’s not worth it.

Love

JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

17 thoughts on “Day 83 – Moderation

  1. I also never want just one. Doesn’t do it for me. I want at least 3-4 or more! When I was off the wagon, I drank a whole bottle of wine nearly every time I drank. And that was after 100 days of sobriety. I get the feelings of loss, too, but I think reframing into focusing on the gains is the way to go! There ARE way more gains than losses! ❤️

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  2. I’m glad you have come far enough that you can know that for sure about yourself. You know how long I’ve been trying to work this out and am still on the fence about moderation. Having alcohol be an “absolute no” makes me want to go crazy and drink it. But the more I abstain, the less I really want it anyway. But knowing I can have it a little creates sort of an release for the wanting in my brain if that makes sense? Also, even though I have a hard time with “just one”, I wasn’t a black out getting sick type either. So it makes it easier to consider moderation. Ugh. Sorry this is a post in itself that I haven’t had the energy to write on my own blog! xo.

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    1. I love hearing your updates, so love that you’ve commented ♡ how are you getting on? A lot of the time I wasn’t a black out drunk. But I’d easily drink a bottle a night every night and then maybe a gin or a whiskey xx

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  3. It’s never just one. And the cost of that first one can be immeasurable.

    I am an all or nothing person too. I also struggle some with food, etc. But too much chocolate isn’t sending anyone to jail or causing a divorce or a medical issue. Food restriction, for almost all of us, is a want.

    Alcohol elimination is a need.

    My one decision, after my first planned year off, was to not open Pandora’s box again.

    Anne

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  4. When I read this post it was like reading something I’d written. In fact it is so similar to one of my posts early on after I’d given up. I am still petrified that if I have just one I won’t be able to stop and the fear of going back to what life was like before stops me. I cannot trust myself to stop at one. It’s a fact. I sat tonight and ate so much chocolate I was almost sick. When I take up a new interest I do it 150% … learning every detail, buying everything I need. It’s just the way I am. We are happier sober my friend. That’s the important thing. Xxx💕❤️

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    1. We are so alike it’s scary. I have also devoured chocolate today and in bed with a peppermint tea 😂. Thing is, I sort of like the way we are. We have the oomph and passion when we are giving it our all and even tho it sucks when it comes to alcohol and chocolate, I wouldn’t have it any other way xxx

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      1. Me neither. This past 10 months I have learned to really like who I am and be grateful for it. That is the best thing about giving up the booze. I found out that I’m ok really and I found some lovely people along the way too. Xxx

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  5. It’s funny how people always suggest “a drink”, and we even suggest it to ourselves, but it’s never just one. Glad you’re realizing this…it’s a huge lesson. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

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