Day 89 – Babysitting

Tonight I’m being babysat by my mother which is enough to drive anyone to drink.

Whilst I’m feeling betterish and venturing out of bed, I can’t lift anything including BB for a week and the hubster is out tonight for a curry with friends (I’ve urged him to go).

My mum and I have an odd relationship. When I was younger she was extremely controlling and then in my 20s she had a stroke. It was then my turn to move home and look after her. She hated it, which I think is understandable.

In my 30s I’ve moved back out again and established clear boundaries which she constantly ridicules and tries to breach. I’ll then cut her off for a while, soften and let her back in for the cycle to continue. I’ve been receiving counselling for this over the past 5 years on and off.

When we won our wedding last year in the beautiful lake district and my mum refused to go. She believed it was “tacky” because we won it and was angered the date of the wedding was 9 weeks after my nephew was born to the favoured sister. She knew we had been given the date of the wedding, it wasnt our personal choice.

When I told her we were continuing with the wedding and we understood her wishes and if she didn’t want to come she sulked for 3 months and wouldn’t speak to me. It was only at the intervention of my lovely God mum that she came (my godparents said they wouldnt speak to her again if she didn’t come).

She thinks me not drinking is absolutely ridiculous (a direct quote) and uses it to ridicule as well as the comments about my weight. When ever I call her out on her comments, she plays victim or tells me I’m being over sensitive or overly dramatic. Or just denies the situations have happened. Even if its on text.

At first I believed it was my perception or it was something I’d done wrong. But with help of a therapist and my husband seeing it with his own eyes (he calls it unbelievable), I now see it for what it is. Toxicity.

I’m determined BB never grows up in that environment and due to the way she’s behaved on the 5 times she’s had her the last year (taking her out in December with no socks or coat, forgetting to feed her for 2 hours past her feed time because in her mind routines are ridiculous- BB was having a meltdown or the last time when she woke up at night feeding her biscuits- we don’t give BB refined sugar), she’s not trusted to have her.

So that’s my Friday night. Wish me luck. I didnt even mean to write all this but started writing and out came the word vomit sorry.

Hows everyone spending theirs?

Love

JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

16 thoughts on “Day 89 – Babysitting

  1. Big hug.
    Read about daughters of narcissistic mothers. It really opened my eyes.
    It is very hurtful to have a mother like that. I know. I have one too. Selfish, cruel and never wrong.
    I thought it was me for a long time. I was bad, emotional, never smart, thin, pretty enough. Not even when I was excelling. I could never satisfy herald I never will.
    I have learned, also after many years of therapy, that I can only satisfy me.
    I keep the visits short. My kids think she is mean to me and rarely want to see her.

    But it breaks my heart, over and over again. Especially after having my own kids and feeling that deep unconditional love for them. Why didn’t my mom feel that for me?

    It is her. It is not you or me. We are real people. We deserved better, but, since the world often is unfair, we try to make do.

    Don’t drink. She will turn it against you. Your sobriety scares her because it is a source of strength. You are overcoming.

    Love to you
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is exactly it. I’ve gone through stages of being quite submissive and then quite confrontational, but it never changes. I keep her away from BB as much as possible. I think they do love us. Just in their own way, on their own terms. BB will always know conditional love from me. I’m more cross about our dynamics of our family. She treats the one sister amazingly well and my nephew. When BB was born she refused to even consider having her for one day a week when we were considering childcare in the early days, but she quite happily has my nephew one day a week. When I called her up on it, obviously it was my mistake (not that I want BB with her for a day). The other sister was in the lower sets at school and my mother has decided she’s slow, although there’s nothing slow about her. Due to this labelling my sister has no self confidence, still lives at home and never pushes herself as she is convinced there’s no point. She’s also just gone sober and I’m rooting for her too.
      So sorry again for this long comment, it could almost be another post. It’s just so lovely to have someone who understands. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Anne xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My sister is the favourite. She is pretty and blonde. The pretty one, while I was the smart one.
        It screwed us both up and turned us against each other for years.
        When I got sober I reached out to her and she was lovely.
        She continues to try to win our moms love. It hurts her. She is lucky she lives in England. Distance helps.

        I alway write long comments, lol. I find so many similar people online. So many.

        ❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Good luck! It’s good it’s only for one night. I’m so sorry that you have that relationship with your mom. It’s definitely her and not you. You are lovely. Hang in there! 🤗🤗❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. As leafy says, definitely her and not you. My mum is not to that extreme but there has always been a critical side to her and a passive/aggressive nature. It sounds so tough your relationship. You are awesome though so just you remember that. I have to say “Tonight I’m being babysat by my mother which is enough to drive anyone to drink” actually made me laugh out loud! Hope the evening goes ok. Xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. The relationship with your mom sounds really tricky! I’m sure setting boundaries are extremely important. She sounds like a difficult/troubled person. I have a question. What is this “going out for a curry” business? Is this a British or English thing? Lol. I’m sorry. You’ve mentioned it before. Now I’m really curious. I keep picturing a bowl of curry rice and veggies.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s like a balti over here, Indian food. So meat marinated in a spiced sauce, with naan, rice, popadom etc. Indian food is really big over in my city, we even have a balti triangle, full of curry houses. I’m going out for one next Friday I’ll take a photo. They’re delicious ♡♡

      Liked by 1 person

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