It’s been clear for the last few years that alcohol had to go. I was either drinking (in the evenings when BB was in bed) or thinking about drinking, like literally obsessively (whilst BB was awake).
I remember a tree falling down really close to my friend and I during a run. This was literally right before I gave up. I was delighted that it had happened as I could use it as an excuse to drink. My friend quite rightly so, was really shaken up that we’d missed death by less than 7ft.
I used every excuse to have a drink and could turn the mondayest mondays into something to celebrate with a bottle of fizz. I’d watch friends and hubster top up glasses subconsciously urging them to hurry, glup it fast and immediately want a top up. I’d make arrangements with friends just so I could drink. I’d avoid parties/situations where I couldn’t get my fix. I’d get excited if my hubster was away for the night so I could drink alone.
I’d create my own chaos, then wonder why things were so wrong.
I’d be resentful that my career had stagnated not thinking the blame lay a little closer to home. I’d be puffy faced, bloodshot eyes, constantly a beat behind the music of life, irritable and full of guilt. I hated myself.
Whilst all of this was happening I didn’t realise the air around me was getting more and more polluted, blocking my airways and covering my vision with fog or smoke. Like I was sat passively in a room, I’d set on fire. I’d take deep breaths in choking, wondering why I wasn’t feeling rejuvenated.
Now at day 100. I feel like I can breathe.
And that’s saying something living in a big city. I take deep breaths now and I feel awake, renewed and full of energy and wonder for life.
The 100 days were more intense than I could have ever imagined. I completed 2 sober holidays (1st one ever with BB), survived a heart operation (I’d have used this as an excuse to have drank a ton before) and continued to navigate the tricky path of blended families.
The positives have been amazing.
I’ve resparked a love for open water swimming and enjoyed training with a squad.
I’ve made new friends and unfortunately cleared out one or two.
I’ve reassessed situations from a different mindset and mentally taken responsibility where it was due.
I’ve been brave and solo hiked and we’ve adopted a stinky overlooked cat.
My skin around my eyes is no longer puffy and appears clearer (although this might be because I’m finally taking my make up off at night). My hair is thick and I’ve dyed it a new colour.
Home has been more harmonious (even with a grouchy SD, meddling ex wife and the pressures of covid) and I’ve been more present for BB. I’m no longer counting the hours to her bed time (well unless it’s a really bad day). Talking of bedtime I no longer rush her stories and I have more energy and patience with her. I linger over the bed time routine, give her extra snuggles and countless silent apologies her mummy was so rubbish the first 9 months of her life. That her mummy subconsciously held something else on the pedestal where she now sits.
Talking of pedestals, my hubster is firmly up there too. Hes been kind, loving, supportive and helped make the whole thing so much easier. I’m so grateful he’s in my life.
So 100 days hey? And I’m still waffling on. From what I’ve learnt, the days are long but the years are short.
I’m going to do a separate post on what helped me, but mostly it was you guys on here so thank you from the bottom of my now fixed heart.
My final wish in sobriety is this… I hope you all shall live as long as you want and never want for as long as you all shall live (yes I’ve stolen it from the cheesy Chesapeake Shores, but I’m past caring).
Ps I’m obviously celebrating with the official sponsor of the 100 sober days (toblerone). And I’m going to do another 100 days, see if I can get to 200. ♡