So I’ve got something to write about, but it makes me incredibly nervous and it feels very raw being open about it.
I think when I started blogging about alcohol dependency/addiction, I felt the same way but I didn’t know anyone on here, so it was like sending my thoughts away to a faceless internet. I’d type out how I was feeling, get my emotions, frustrations out then press send and away it went.
Now I feel like over 100 days I’ve got know some of you, that we have a connection. Your blogs and comments have added colour to my life and I feel a bit embarrassed writing about what I’m going to write about.
However, this blog really helped me give up alcohol. On reflection it was the main contributor in doing, therefore I’m hoping it will do the same with this issue.
The thing is, I’m an all or nothing person. Always have been and probably always will be. And for as long as I can remember I have a really messed up relationship with food.
Some of my first memories are around eating, either eating too much, being shamed for what I’d eaten, being forced to eat meat by my mother when I was a veggie for years.
When I was a teenager, I used to restrict food and be terribly thin. I think it was a control thing as my family life was so out of control and I felt so good doing it. As long as I can remember food has always been a comfort blanket, something to control, indulge, treat myself with. It is also something I shame myself with and I have a ton of guilt and repulsion towards myself with my eating habits.
I’ve known for the last year or so, that I’ve got a binge eating disorder. I remember lying awake one night, about 18months ago, heart racing, feeling disgusted about myself for what I’d eaten and came across the term binge eating disorder.
It’s categorised as
“Binge eating disorder involves regularly eating large portions of food all at once until you feel uncomfortably full, and then often upset or guilty.
Binges are often planned in advance and the person may buy “special” binge foods” (NHS)
This is exactly me. It started in my teenage years and I love the ritual of buying “special” binge foods as much as I love consuming them.
I’ve noticed that since giving up alcohol my binge eating has gotten way worse, to the point of where it feels out of control. I go through periods over the last 15 years of being really strict with myself, to get to my first goal weight and then some thing to go wrong/well and then I’ll binge. Since fixing up alcohol it’s got to the point where I was with alcohol, I can use any excuse to binge and will binge at least once a day.
I feel terribly embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I also know I want BB (Beautiful baby) to have a healthy relationship with food and how I am with it will affect her.
So to move on from this point I’ve looked online found some resources, downloaded an app, brought a recommended book and trying to pluck up the courage to contact a Dr to hopefully get referred for CBT.
But in the mean time I’m going to try and keep myself accountable on here. Any advice or support is greatly welcomed. Like alcohol it feels like a massively daunting task.
I’m now going to cry and cringe in a corner. Thank you for reading please be kind.