Day 105 – Help

So I’ve got something to write about, but it makes me incredibly nervous and it feels very raw being open about it.

I think when I started blogging about alcohol dependency/addiction, I felt the same way but I didn’t know anyone on here, so it was like sending my thoughts away to a faceless internet. I’d type out how I was feeling, get my emotions, frustrations out then press send and away it went.

Now I feel like over 100 days I’ve got know some of you, that we have a connection. Your blogs and comments have added colour to my life and I feel a bit embarrassed writing about what I’m going to write about.

However, this blog really helped me give up alcohol. On reflection it was the main contributor in doing, therefore I’m hoping it will do the same with this issue.

The thing is, I’m an all or nothing person. Always have been and probably always will be. And for as long as I can remember I have a really messed up relationship with food.

Some of my first memories are around eating, either eating too much, being shamed for what I’d eaten, being forced to eat meat by my mother when I was a veggie for years.

When I was a teenager, I used to restrict food and be terribly thin. I think it was a control thing as my family life was so out of control and I felt so good doing it. As long as I can remember food has always been a comfort blanket, something to control, indulge, treat myself with. It is also something I shame myself with and I have a ton of guilt and repulsion towards myself with my eating habits.

I’ve known for the last year or so, that I’ve got a binge eating disorder. I remember lying awake one night, about 18months ago, heart racing, feeling disgusted about myself for what I’d eaten and came across the term binge eating disorder.

It’s categorised as

Binge eating disorder involves regularly eating large portions of food all at once until you feel uncomfortably full, and then often upset or guilty.

Binges are often planned in advance and the person may buy “special” binge foods” (NHS)

This is exactly me. It started in my teenage years and I love the ritual of buying “special” binge foods as much as I love consuming them.

I’ve noticed that since giving up alcohol my binge eating has gotten way worse, to the point of where it feels out of control. I go through periods over the last 15 years of being really strict with myself, to get to my first goal weight and then some thing to go wrong/well and then I’ll binge. Since fixing up alcohol it’s got to the point where I was with alcohol, I can use any excuse to binge and will binge at least once a day.

I feel terribly embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I also know I want BB (Beautiful baby) to have a healthy relationship with food and how I am with it will affect her.

So to move on from this point I’ve looked online found some resources, downloaded an app, brought a recommended book and trying to pluck up the courage to contact a Dr to hopefully get referred for CBT.

But in the mean time I’m going to try and keep myself accountable on here. Any advice or support is greatly welcomed. Like alcohol it feels like a massively daunting task.

I’m now going to cry and cringe in a corner. Thank you for reading please be kind.

Love

JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

46 thoughts on “Day 105 – Help

  1. Please do not feel like you need to be ashamed of anything. We all have our things. And as we shed our addiction/need for alcohol those little things start coming to light. With knowledge comes an ability to plan and conquer. Which I have no doubt you will.
    Much like yourself I have often used food as a control measure. Not to remain thin. Although that is the usual outcome but rather as everything around me dipped into chaos I could control what went into my body.
    You have this love.
    But it is a struggle. I know that. As I still struggle to eat healthily and not so much processed foods. That is the one that gets me. Ease.
    Sorry I absconded with your comment section.
    Hugs to you. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  2. You have nothing to be ashamed about. I have found just about anything can mimic alcohol. As alcoholics, we have an addictive personality that we keep in check. From binge watching shows to drinking too much coffee it’s comforting like alcohol without the hangover. I enjoy baking some of my favorite cookies, or ordering Domino’s pizza once a week as a reward for a week well done.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s actually a brilliant idea of once a week. I feel with alcohol you can cut it out altho it’s so hard. With food I’m really struggling to moderate as it’s a basic necessity. I really appreciate your comment thank you ♡

      Liked by 1 person

      1. For this alcoholic, alcohol is a death sentence. I have no choice than not to drink. Food won’t kill you, the right kind of food of course, but I enjoy rewarding myself with it. It kinda takes it’s power away when I look at it as a reward, instead of punishment. My pleasure lovely. ❤

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Please don’t be ashamed. There is nothing to feel shame about. Eating to excess is a comfort mechanism, much like alcohol can be. Many many people have food issues. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and getting help. I will be here to support you as you work through this, too. ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks, I’ve always binged but managed to exercise lots and been quite outdoorsy. With the pregnancy and the heart my weight has shot up and I think it’s actually making me binge more. After writing this down, I cried then went out for a walk and it helped. Thanks so much for your lovely comment, I’m always here for you too ♡

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t know anything about binge eating, I just drink too much. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of, BUT from everything I’ve read and seen on blogs, sobriety comes first. Eating will sort itself out and BB is far to young yet to worry about that. If you’re wanting her to eat healthy foods which I’ve heard you do (as you cook her foods) it will evolve naturally. Food with kids is always a biggie, mine were a nightmare. You do not need to add this extra pressure to yourself at this moment in time. Enjoy your toblerone, just eat one not two a day lol. Sobriety first and then other issues later. Ange x

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    1. Thanks Ange. I just feel the more I delve in to sobriety the bigger this issue becomes and its affecting my mood and self confidence like my alcohol dependency did. You’re absolutely right tho, sobriety comes first x

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  5. First, here’s a very big hug my friend🤗. Like the others said above you have nothing to be ashamed of. Actually you are very much warrior like showing courage to explore different areas of your life and seeking more knowledge and support. I know it’s been a natural healthy direction for me since the alcohol fog was lifted. You are Perfect – Whole – Complete and have 100% of my support in all your endeavors. Disclosing vulnerabilities is always the first step to tap on the Universe’s shoulder that you’d like some help. Now stand back and receive it.😊❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Dwight, I’m literally blown away with everyones kind comments. I feel more of a failure with food than I do with alcohol, so I’m hoping the universe turns round and says hey 🤗🤗🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Sending so much love. I was on the restrict / binge cycle for so many years. I remember in college discovering the “binge eating” definition and realizing it was a disorder – previously I had only known about anorexia & bulimia. I remember so many events, looking back at pictures, the moments being defined by how much I’d eaten. I remember being envious of other people who could seem to just enjoy eating “bad” foods without all the baggage and risk of it turning into a binge. I know exactly how awful it feels and wish I had some magic advice to give. I think I left a long comment once before when you mentioned this. I have no magic advice, the disorder seemed to fade away at some point after I had kids. I think part of it was focusing more on what nourishing food could to do HELP my body, then feeling less guilt overall about eating, and stopping restricting. Any time I ever tried a “plan” it never worked and just led to even more guilt / unhealthy behavior. One piece of advice that always stuck in my head from somewhere was “add, don’t subtract”. As in, start adding in new healthy foods, they will slowly take place of the unhealthy stuff, don’t focus on subtracting all the “bad” stuff.

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  7. Just wanted to add that I really believe in you. You seem very aware of your habits, and committed to self improvement, and are doing all the right things to create positive change.

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    1. Thanks so much for your lovely comments. It’s so reassuring to hear someones come out the other side. I’m finding the food a million times harder than the alcohol. I really like the idea of add not subtract so going to start that from tomorrow. I’m determined to be more structured too so 3 meals a day instead of skipping a bunch then binging. I struggle as my body hates dairy and I love it, so I always feel better restricting it but then it becomes a binge food when I break. ♡♡♡

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dairy seems to cause problems for so many people! I think there are wonderful substitutes for everything except cheese, that is the tricky one. I do a lot of avocado & tahini sauces for the creaminess and to make sure I’m getting enough fat – I feel hungry otherwise.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’d also recommend checking out some vegan or anti-inflammatory nutrition books – after reading these I’m always like omg there are so many things I’m supposed to be putting INTO my body for nutrients, how could I fit them all in one day?! Plus, recipes are so much better in books than searching the internet. But start SLOW!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I have sent you the link to self referral for some help in our area. You are never alone and see all the support you have from your friends here. I do agree with the premise of sobriety first … before anything else. It’s the only way to deal with other things in our lives. Eating and food is tricky for so many people. You have got this and you will deal with it. Sending love xxx

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    1. There is one more point I’d like to make. Please try to be kind to yourself. Your little baby is only just one I think. You have given up alcohol just over 3 months ago. A few weeks back you had a heart op. I think you are fabulous to want to address your relationship with food and you have a plan which is great. Take it in baby steps and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You’ve dealt with a huge amount in this last year or two and you should be super proud of where you are at. I have no doubt you’ll beat this demon too. 💕💕💕

      Liked by 3 people

  9. You are not alone.
    I’m exactly the same and have starved excessively to the point of adrenal fatigue and no periods for years.

    For me, it is all anxiety and a need to control my world. My therapist insisted the answer was Unconditional self acceptance. I didn’t believe her…I though my self crucial and perfectionism was what made me successful. What got me 3 degrees and a professional job and a house and 2 kids…etc.

    It took a long time to find self compassion, but a tying sober and not lying to myself anymore about my relationship with alcohol was a huge step. Huge.

    The fists of imperfection by Brene brown was my spark. Yoga, the entire philosophy, not just the physical practice, has changed me. Medication manages my underlying anxiety so I can be less rigid.

    7 years later food is still an issue. I have decided that my mental health is more important than my waistline. I’m an average size person. I practice yoga daily. I try to plan meals and eat them. But I also have treats when appropriate and eat too many chips.

    We are in the midst of a global trauma. We need coping mechanism as and most of us just don’t have great ones. You have eliminated alcohol. That is the biggest gift you could give yourself. The rest will come through slow, gentle and self compassionate steps. I promise.

    Stay sober. Read Brene brown. Stick with us.

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Definitely get ‘The gifts of imperfection’ by Brené Brown and listen to her podcasts. I have learn lots listening and reading her. And the yoga thing is nit just about exercise, though it’s great for that, it’s about taking time for yourself because you are worth that. It’s about being mindful and having a little space in the day. It’s helped me enormously and I had never tried any yoga up until 6 mths ago. Xxx

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Thanks Anne ♡ I’ll add Brene Brown to the list. I’m not bothered about being skinny, its more the feelings of guilt and shame that go hand in with it. I’m going to try and find another coping mechanism, yoga could be it ♡♡

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  10. As someone that’s struggled with Eating disorders for over 20 years now I get this….you know how much it is bothering you and when you need to do something about it, it sounds like it’s replacing the alcohol, food numbs too while eating it… can I send you my mobile so you can text when I’m need?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Well done for sharing – no shame needed at all – you are human and we all need comfort and some of us have learnt to get it from food drink or drugs. I think there are a lot of similarities between addictions and all the eating disorders and they often go together in families or individuals. I agree with Claire you’ve mage a huge change with giving up alcohol and have a lot to deal with – be kind to yourself, you’re noticing your relationship with food and that’s a good place to be – you don’t have to rush to change it and food won’t kill you like alcohol. Therapeutically I think it’s more about addressing what’s underneath than necessarily trying to change the habits which is the problem with pure CBT but whatever works for you is just fine! 💞💞💞

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for commenting. I feel so much better after a big cry and letting it all out. Todays a new day, going to try and do it like alcohol and take it one day at a time. How are you? I was only thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were xx

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I so relate to your sense of shame. As you know, though, from your process of recovery from alcohol addiction, it’s incredibly healing to bring the behaviour we consider shameful out of the dark and into the light. I would urge you to get some help and support. I’ve been in recovery from BED for many years now and, although the process of recovery was challenging, I don’t regret what I learnt about myself. I also want to say I think your site is great – it’s wonderful to see what a mutually supportive, caring community you’re nurturing here. It’s a pleasure to visit and I’ll be checking in again for sure.

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  13. Awwww I hope you don’t feel shameful anymore after sharing. ❤️ Loved reading all the comments, all seem so helpful! Sharing makes you so relatable, I need to share more on here. I consistently hold back. Keep us updated on how you are doing! You are a super strong momma! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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