Today I binged terribly, but not all in one go. More like binge grazing through out the day. Each time I did I felt terribly guilty, like I used to with alcohol, but the impulse felt over powering each time it occured.
Basically when I’m in this mind set if it’s there I’ll obsess until I’ve eaten it. You know that saying I started the diet today and ate all the bad food in the house it was delicious. That’s me. Every day.
So today I’ve had marzipan (husbands stocking filler), pack of biscuits, small apple cake cupcake and I’m eyeing up some chocolate buttons. I literally have such negative feelings towards myself after its unreal. Then an 1 hour later I’m full of resolve that I’m going to be this health goddess until I do it again.
To get rid of the negative thoughts today I drove up to my friends mums rescue horses and gave them some love. I dont think they were particularly bothered to see me, but it felt good being out in the fresh air away from food and alcohol. I find horses so calm to be around, their eyes always seem wise and full of mischievous secrets. I stroked their fur under their rugs, gave them head rubs and a carrot or two.
Something wonderful happened though in the midst of this happening. I had a swimming class yesterday and the head coach was there. I’d never swam with him before. He was getting frustrated at my swim stroke and was trying different drills to make my arms work with my body. Towards the end he told me to swim fast and give it my all. I did half a length and he told me my technique is close to perfect. Some people can train for ages and not come close to that. The only issue is, is I’m not fit enough to swim fast enough for my technique to show. So when I slow it down for my fitness level, my technique is rubbish. When I asked would running help fitness, I was told only swimming would really help it, although losing some weight and gaining some cardio strength would be beneficial. The lessons are quite expensive as is the counselling next week so I’m currently trying to decide which kidney to sell.
So that’s me today. How are you all?