Day 109 – Horses

Today I binged terribly, but not all in one go. More like binge grazing through out the day. Each time I did I felt terribly guilty, like I used to with alcohol, but the impulse felt over powering each time it occured.

Basically when I’m in this mind set if it’s there I’ll obsess until I’ve eaten it. You know that saying I started the diet today and ate all the bad food in the house it was delicious. That’s me. Every day.

So today I’ve had marzipan (husbands stocking filler), pack of biscuits, small apple cake cupcake and I’m eyeing up some chocolate buttons. I literally have such negative feelings towards myself after its unreal. Then an 1 hour later I’m full of resolve that I’m going to be this health goddess until I do it again.

To get rid of the negative thoughts today I drove up to my friends mums rescue horses and gave them some love. I dont think they were particularly bothered to see me, but it felt good being out in the fresh air away from food and alcohol. I find horses so calm to be around, their eyes always seem wise and full of mischievous secrets. I stroked their fur under their rugs, gave them head rubs and a carrot or two.

Something wonderful happened though in the midst of this happening. I had a swimming class yesterday and the head coach was there. I’d never swam with him before. He was getting frustrated at my swim stroke and was trying different drills to make my arms work with my body. Towards the end he told me to swim fast and give it my all. I did half a length and he told me my technique is close to perfect. Some people can train for ages and not come close to that. The only issue is, is I’m not fit enough to swim fast enough for my technique to show. So when I slow it down for my fitness level, my technique is rubbish. When I asked would running help fitness, I was told only swimming would really help it, although losing some weight and gaining some cardio strength would be beneficial. The lessons are quite expensive as is the counselling next week so I’m currently trying to decide which kidney to sell.

So that’s me today. How are you all?


JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

12 thoughts on “Day 109 – Horses

  1. Sorry you are struggling. I thought about you as I made this salad I’m currently eating and how awful it used to be to not really be able to enjoy food because it was so surrounded with guilt – the wild swings between stuffing my face and trying to restrict with only health foods – the ever repeating cycle.
    So I chopped all the parsley (it’s a quinoa tabouleh I don’t make often) and was just grateful I have the access and means to buy this food, and time to prepare it, and the knowledge that eating it will help heal my body – and thought of the “add don’t subtract” philosophy – the more good stuff you add in, and can feel truly good about eating, the less room there is for the negative.
    Also, when I’d feel a binge starting – in addition to just leaving and going for a walk, like you did is great – I’d either brush my teeth or chew gum. Just a small coping method, not unlike all the ones to stop alcohol I suppose.

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  2. Horses are wonderful beings aren’t they? Sounds like it’s not a nice place in your head for you right now ❤️ Glad you managed to distract and amazing about the swimming! Think of all the money not spent on alcohol that could pay for some of it maybe? I think with the food maybe try to step back and observe what the 2 parts of your head are telling you and whether that’s what you really think/want? What do they want/need that food is representing? Mostly don’t beat yourself up – you are where you are and you’ve done brilliantly with alcohol – it’s peeling an onion and we all go at our own pace 💞💞😘😘

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks DGS, I love the idea of the onion. It’s so hard to be rational when it’s happening but that’s a good idea. I was surprised how I didnt struggle as much as I thought I would with alcohol but now I’m struggling ten fold with this ♡ hope you’re ok?

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  3. Quick question
    Are you eating planned, healthy-ish food that you like?
    If you had oatmeal with maple syrup for breakfast would that slow down the binging?
    I become erratic when I don’t eat. I am most stable when I have a plan and food ready.

    Have you ever talked to your doctor about anxiety? I take an antidepressant for that. Otherwise I was obsessive and crippled with panic regularly.

    Anyway, awesome on the form. You don’t have to go to the olympics overnight. You have a baby and a life!



    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Anne, I binge on top of eating healthy food. So yesterday I had porridge with peanut butter, banana and shredded coconut, then a cheese and pickle sarnie for lunch and a beef stew. All healthy home cooked. I’m not ever hungry either when I binge either, it’s so hard as I think its emotional driven. And thanks on the swimming, I’m getting really into it

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      1. Have you ever read Geneen Roth? She has a book called women, food and god.
        It actually spoke deeply to me about alcohol and self destructive behaviour.
        I’m definitely not a god person….I almost didn’t read it those years ago.
        In fact, I refused to accept I had an eating disorder for a long time. I loved the paise I got from my intense healthy behaviour.
        I looked good.
        I was desperately unhappy. No periods, hair loss, intense anxiety. How did no one else notice? I only at about 10 food. Plus booze.

        Food is COMPLICATED. Be gentle with yourself.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Awesome on your swim stroke! Very cool you got out and visited the horses. I have a thoroughbred horse, he’s a senior horse. When I am over there, even with picking up poops and such I always end up in a calm/happy mood.
    I’m excited for your counseling appt coming up! It does sound emotional driven so I bet your counselor can help you a lot!
    I’m about ready to head out the door for work. I’m so glad it’s Friday. I do work Saturday, but not as long. I hope you have a good day today and hope your not being too hard on yourself! ❤️ You are rockin’ it with the alcohol and you soon will with binging! I know it! ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for being so lovely and positive. Oldies are the best arent they. Tom, the one I visited, is an ex riding school pony and so loving. I feel awful after all the years teaching kids to ride, a school would just let him go. The one we ride at keep all the oldies and you can sponsor them, which I thinks fab. Hope work goes ok, give your lovely horse a cuddle for me xx

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Hi Honey!
    I had a small binge yesterday evening. The biggest thing is to accept this without guilt or shame. No shame!
    Sometimes our bodies are just craving something. The only way I move forward is accepting this might happen, then get back on track to better eating.

    I love that you can go be with horses!!

    Liked by 2 people

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