Day 116 – First day of lockdown

And so far have had a tea party with the cat Dexter and BB (beautiful baby)😂.

I’ve also ran a mile without stopping which feels pretty pathetic to be proud of (I used to run half marathons). But I’m proud of just putting my trainers on, getting out the house, and running. A month a go I couldn’t run to the end of the road without my heart going crazy.

The counselling session for binge eating went really well. It still feels strange that it’s an eating disorder, when for years I’ve told myself (and been told by others – yes I’m looking at you mum) that I’m just incredibly greedy, undisciplined with zero will power. And why can’t I just get my act together and be skinny/successful/well off like my sister and other people my mum admires.

We agreed on a two way approach. The counsellor would work on some emotional issues from childhood and my toxic mother and I would come up with ways to help in the short term so they would blend together. I really liked the counsellor. After discussing some events that happened when I was a teenager, he reacted my telling me he thought I was extremely resilient.

I automatically thanked him. It was coming close to the end of the session and I didn’t want a whole discussion on why I didn’t think I was resilient. And you know what, he pulled me up on it. He said you didn’t really accept the compliment did you? I was impressed he’d called me out on this and I was like erm nope not really. We then discussed racket feelings which I’d never heard of before.

I found it fascinating. Something that I thought was just a normal reaction, telling someone what they wanted to hear so I could be left alone.

So from what I’ve read so far racket feelings are those which we have learned to use to ‘cover up’ the original feeling. It is ingrained into us when we are little, I think to conform to care givers expectations, over time we display racket emotions and responses which is different to how we feel inside. But I’m still reading up on this so don’t quote me.

To keep my side of the partnership, I’ve brought a book to read with different strategies and I’m hoping it helps. I’ll keep you updated.

Now I’m focused on this, I’m not even tempted by alcohol, it feels like that was the first layer to tackle and this is the next. But I know to be vigilant its early days yet.

How are you all? Is anyone else getting anxiety over the election and Trumps bizarre response? I’m all the way in England, it must feel even more nerve wracking when it’s your own country.

Thankfully I’m doing yoga later which will help

Love

JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

13 thoughts on “Day 116 – First day of lockdown

  1. Hi JS. First off, I think you are amazing and are dealing so well with your issues. So many people just avoid that huge first step and spent their whole lives burying things, stuck in the same cycles.
    AND OMG YES THE TRUMP SHIT IS INSANE!!!!! I really cannot adequately express how much disbelief and disgust I have that 68 million people who live in this country could say “yup, we want him to continue to lead”. We are hopeful here but very anxious, waiting for the last four states to keep counting. I said to hubs today this is stranger than (dystopian) fiction.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much SVM. It feels so strange sharing on here things that I would never say to someones face, but it seems to be working for me so far.
      That’s so weird, my husband said the exact same to me. We’ve got everything crossed over here too

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think it’s a natural progression from giving up alcohol to trying to work on some deeper issues and to start to feel better about ourselves and manage our lives in a more productive manner. I am so impressed you are doing all this and I wish I had done the same years ago. Keep going. Yoga didn’t happen for me today but I will try to double up tomorrow xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That does sound like a good counseling session. I’m so glad you found someone you like. That racket feeling thing really seems true to me. Ugh about Trump. He’s such an asshole. I can’t believe how many people continued to support him. I am kind of in despair about the future of our country even if Biden wins, now. But at least we wouldn’t have a madman in charge anymore. Election should be over by tomorrow, I think. 🤞

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Everything crossed. Ive woke up in shock hearing about his speech. Next time I dont get a job I know how to behave 😂😂. Its so strange seeing theres names theories for what we might have done for years. I find it fascinating ♡

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hug
    A toxic Mother leaves deep scars.
    It took me a long time to feel like a strong person, or even a competent one. Even with years of achievements.
    Sometimes I think drinking was almost a self destructive way to prove I was really useless…because I believe it.
    I feel sad for the old me that thought that way, but I am proud of myself that I have found a way to love myself enough that I know I deserve everything I have earned.

    This is years of therapy and reading and tears. Give yourself lots of time and space.

    Love to you and dexter and BB.

    ANNE

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks lovely Anne (that’s what I always call you in my head). I think the same. Shes chipped away at my self esteem so I never really tried as I was already useless and failed. Excited to start trying now ♡♡

      Like

      1. I’ll tell you…motherhood really triggered these feeling for me. I love my children so unconditionally…it broke my heart that my mother doesn’t love me like that (I don’t believe she loves anyone, especially herself).

        You may want to consider if your love for BB isn’t touching those feelings…maybe it’s tied into the eating…

        Just a thought. From my own life.

        Thank your for that. Lovely is how I strive to live my life.

        Anne

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Peeling the layers. Such painful, but admirable and necessary work. You’re doing beautifully.

    And as an American who has had to endure that ego-maniac’s antics for the past 4 years, he is behaving so predictably! Unable to accept any notion of defeat, he kicks and screams like a toddler and goes immediately to blustering, threats and any other narcissistic behaviors that his sad little brain conceive of. Wow. I guess I had a few pent up emotions, myself!
    Be well, friend. And be glad you’re watching from afar! 💕

    Liked by 3 people

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