And so far have had a tea party with the cat Dexter and BB (beautiful baby)😂.
I’ve also ran a mile without stopping which feels pretty pathetic to be proud of (I used to run half marathons). But I’m proud of just putting my trainers on, getting out the house, and running. A month a go I couldn’t run to the end of the road without my heart going crazy.
The counselling session for binge eating went really well. It still feels strange that it’s an eating disorder, when for years I’ve told myself (and been told by others – yes I’m looking at you mum) that I’m just incredibly greedy, undisciplined with zero will power. And why can’t I just get my act together and be skinny/successful/well off like my sister and other people my mum admires.
We agreed on a two way approach. The counsellor would work on some emotional issues from childhood and my toxic mother and I would come up with ways to help in the short term so they would blend together. I really liked the counsellor. After discussing some events that happened when I was a teenager, he reacted my telling me he thought I was extremely resilient.
I automatically thanked him. It was coming close to the end of the session and I didn’t want a whole discussion on why I didn’t think I was resilient. And you know what, he pulled me up on it. He said you didn’t really accept the compliment did you? I was impressed he’d called me out on this and I was like erm nope not really. We then discussed racket feelings which I’d never heard of before.
I found it fascinating. Something that I thought was just a normal reaction, telling someone what they wanted to hear so I could be left alone.
So from what I’ve read so far racket feelings are those which we have learned to use to ‘cover up’ the original feeling. It is ingrained into us when we are little, I think to conform to care givers expectations, over time we display racket emotions and responses which is different to how we feel inside. But I’m still reading up on this so don’t quote me.
To keep my side of the partnership, I’ve brought a book to read with different strategies and I’m hoping it helps. I’ll keep you updated.
Now I’m focused on this, I’m not even tempted by alcohol, it feels like that was the first layer to tackle and this is the next. But I know to be vigilant its early days yet.
How are you all? Is anyone else getting anxiety over the election and Trumps bizarre response? I’m all the way in England, it must feel even more nerve wracking when it’s your own country.
Thankfully I’m doing yoga later which will help