Day 117 – When?

A few comments have got me thinking recently on my blog and others. A common theme throughout the sober community is “I wish I’d given up when I was younger/ X age/ when I had kids etc”. So I was just wondering, could you pin point an actual moment of when you wished you’d given up?

This thought has been rolling around in my head for days. For me I can pin point when I wished I’d given up.

I was 21, maybe even 22 years old and at university in a little university town. It was early on in the year, a cold (actually make that freezing), dark night where the rain was lashing down sideways. I remember being so drunk I didn’t want to be at the club anymore so I stumbled out, got a takeaway from the shop next door and then stumbled blindly home. I was so drunk I remember lurching as walking, desperate for the 20 minute walk to be over and to be in my pjs so I could binge on pizza.

The walk home was dark, not much lighting through an industrial area and at the time I thought I was a great idea to call my boyfriend at the time Tom. He was doing a semester at Keene in the states and due to the time difference was completely sober.

He was also completely cheating on me with a girl at Keene and when ringing I could hear her in the background. When I questioned him, he told me I was being silly. However, I had a nagging feeling (and later he admitted it).

I made it home safe, put my pjs on and continue to binge on pizza and left over wine. I don’t remember the next morning but it cant have been pretty.

Looking back, I wish I could have wrapped me up in a massive cuddle, took the drink away and told myself he wasn’t worth it. That I was worth so much more than him, putting toxins in my body, putting myself at risk on the walk home.

I now feel I’ve wasted so much time, chasing drinks that are full of toxins, men that are full of crap and neglecting myself in the process.

So that is my moment. What’s yours?


JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

9 thoughts on “Day 117 – When?

  1. That last sentence – feeling that I’ve wasted so much time, possibly seriously damaging my health in the process – makes me feel so ashamed I want to bury the realities of much of the past 20 years. I don’t have one moment, although there are plenty that stand out that are SO cringe worthy I have told no one. But overall, I know alcohol played a huge factor in making my college experience miserable, adding to the stress and anxiety of a tough major, not getting the most out of my education, not making real friendships – was a HUGE factor in my not being successful in the professional world. Alcohol tainted so much of my first marriage, we surely had a drinking problem together (not that I think the marriage would have survived if we’d stopped) ….. and only now, when I have somehow ended up with this amazing husband, who has the same less than moderate drinking habits I do, who is willing to acknowledge it and get healthier with me, when I have a comfortable life and don’t have to worry about a job, can I even consider quitting.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh gosh SVM, the last thing I wanted to do was make you feel bad. I’m so sorry. And same with the professional context, I often wonder where I’d be if I hadn’t turned up to work so hungover year after year ♡♡♡

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Such an inspiring post. Like I’ve said, I don’t drink. However, I do overeat and remember exactly the moment I should have gone abstinent. I was thirteen and drew five (!) candy bars out of the vending machine at school and ate them all at once. My classmates were watching and one commented on how much I was buying and eating, but I was so ashamed I snapped at her and ate my candy bars. This was only early in my food addiction. After that, I had many more moments when I binged and that could’ve been lightbulb moments, like the day my parents had like eight hamburgers left over from dinner and I ate them all, one after another. Granted, I was completely clueless about healthy eating until a few years ago, so I didn’t wish I’d become abstinent at those moments, but they really should have been clear. It’s also interesting that my parents didn’t mention the disappearing hamburgers at all. Note that I’m still not abstinent, even though I created a food plan two weeks ago. Your post may just be what I need.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much. I remember my first food binge too. I was 9. My dad was on the phone to the woman he was having an affair with whilst my mum was out. I knew my dad was doing something wrong but didn’t know what. I was mad at him. I ate a whole packet of biscuits ♡♡♡ I’m just starting a tracker ♡

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Great post; this really got me thinking… I guess I’m quite lucky to have started this sober journey at 26, but I’ve certainly had my fair share of wish-I’d-quit-then moments! A key one that springs to mind is when I was living in a Australia. Alone and drunk one night while my fellow travellers were at work, I just couldn’t stop crying. I knew how fortunate I was to have such a wonderful opportunity to live on the other side of the world, but I was desperately unhappy and unable to suss out why. Looking back, the non-stop party lifestyle I was living was clearly destroying my mental health and I wasted so much time wasted while I was there that I barely explored the beautiful country! If I could go back and do it again, I’d definitely spend less time in city bars and more time in the gorgeous nature. 💜

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m kinda in reverse, I wasn’t a big drinker in my teens or twenties or thirties. I’d have an occasional drink but if I ever overdid it I knew about it the next day. As my fortieth birthday approached and my husband was taking me an a birthday holiday with my sister and BIL who were all big drinkers (husband regularly got drunk with them) I said I didn’t want it to be all about booze but I wished I could drink like everyone else. That was the start of my drinking so I suppose that’s my moment but it’s more a moment where I wished I’d never started because from then on I wished I’d stopped.
    Ange x

    Liked by 2 people

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