Day 120 – Big little feelings

Yesterday I woke up in such a funk and it completely took me by surprise. The night before I’d had my glorious self care night and watched virgin river, in bed, with a tonic water. I’d had 8 hours sleep. I’d set myself up for a great Sunday.

All morning I felt anxious, snappy and on edge. I warned the husband and blamed hormones and gritted my teeth when he and my SD decided to join me and BB on our daily walk.

Literally everything both of them did, made me mad. It took all my self control to smile, act calm and loving.

Once BB was on her nap, I was back out the door and running over the fields to let off steam. I literally couldn’t fathom why I felt like this.

I came home, showered and started sorting. I’ve managed to find someone to make me a patchwork quilt out of all of BBs newborn and first year clothes.

I’d hummed and ahhed over it for ages.

I wanted a way of remembering her little baby grows and outfits, but the thought of cutting them up seemed too final. After about a week of deliberation I’d settled on going forward and yesterday was the afternoon I had put aside to go through her clothes.

I opened her newborn box and started crying. Not pretty tears, but the big uglies. Finally I realised why I felt so rubbish. It was like saying good bye to that part of her childhood. Looking over tiny clothes she would never wear again, that I’d never be able to dress her in. These feelings took me completely by surprise, I dont think I’d have let myself feel this before. I’d have numbed it with alcohol.

I selected the clothes and sorted them into piles. A friend of mine is due a little girl any day so I sorted some items for her too.

At the end I felt teary, but strong. I didn’t realise how much I’d dreaded that task and subconsciously built it up in my head. The old me would’ve drank my way through it or at least got hammered the night before and after.

I’ve dropped the clothes off at the super talented ladies house and can’t wait to see what the end result is. I’m hoping it’s something BB will treasure for the rest of her life (if not her mama certainly will).

It’s taken some time to work through the feelings which is why I didnt post yesterday. I’m still sober and I haven’t binged for November. Trying to make a whole month is hard, but I’m determined to take it day by day.

How are you all? Hope all my lovely American friends are enjoying the celebrations.

Lots of Love

JS

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

13 thoughts on “Day 120 – Big little feelings

  1. It is really eerie how much I identify with you. “SD and hubs joined me on my walk and I gritted my teeth the entire time”. I have decided this doesn’t make me a bad person, it just makes me a person who sometimes needs more space than other people.
    And the baby clothes! I’m sure many others will tell you that sobbing over the sorting of newborn clothes is pretty much a universal ritual of mothers. Just think of it as cathartic.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It certainly felt cathartic afterwards. She was premature so she was really tiny, I just cant believe how toddler like she becomes more and more each day.
      And I’m so glad it’s not just me. I love them both to bits, but I definitely need a lot more space when compared to them. We’ve also had her 18 out of 21 days so it’s been a lot. Have 2 days off then 5 days back on then a little break thankfully. How are you feeling?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh dear, it’s a lot. This is all just… a LOT. She is in school at least though right? I am actually feeling really good despite gray weather and a house full of kids. (But it’s only 10 a.m.!) Very hopeful and plotting my yoga for the day.

        Like

      2. I subscribe to CorePower which is my absolute favorite studio here, it’s become a large chain but for a reason! Their workouts are pretty intense though so I’m trying to find something suitable on youtube for hubs who is a beginner / very inflexible. I want it to be a flow class though.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I was in a total funk yesterday too and snapped at everyone. Even the boys told me I was being totally miserable. Some days we just feel that way. The quilt idea sounds so lovely? I wish I had thought of doing that. What a beautiful keep sake that will be.
    Oh and my lovely friend, parting with the baby stuff is heartbreaking. Having children brings more joy and happiness than you can ever dream of, but also sadness and worry too. That’s what it’s about. I think sobbing snotty tears is the best way to go sometimes. There are some moments that need just that. Hope you feel better tonight xxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh my.
    Those moment where we realize how swiftly life passes are so deeply moving.
    Thank you so much for sharing that with us.
    I look at my 6’1” 17 year old son and my 15 yo daughter who is the same height as me and wonder where the tiny babies went….but I am proud to be their mom.

    Hugs and love from Canada
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow, I was actually the same on Sunday. Lol. Beneath the surface for the most part, but a bit on edge. My DH said I was “grumpy” and blamed it on hormones and that’s correct in my case. It is hard letting go! Around this time, I also sometimes think I about maybe I want another baby. It won’t be happening. Just have to soak up every precious moment.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It is so hard when you realize how much they are changing and will keep changing. I feel the same way when I look back at video of my daughter when she was little. It does feel like a loss! But my daughter is also just so amazing how she is now, and has been at every stage. That helps. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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