Yesterday I woke up in such a funk and it completely took me by surprise. The night before I’d had my glorious self care night and watched virgin river, in bed, with a tonic water. I’d had 8 hours sleep. I’d set myself up for a great Sunday.
All morning I felt anxious, snappy and on edge. I warned the husband and blamed hormones and gritted my teeth when he and my SD decided to join me and BB on our daily walk.
Literally everything both of them did, made me mad. It took all my self control to smile, act calm and loving.
Once BB was on her nap, I was back out the door and running over the fields to let off steam. I literally couldn’t fathom why I felt like this.
I came home, showered and started sorting. I’ve managed to find someone to make me a patchwork quilt out of all of BBs newborn and first year clothes.
I’d hummed and ahhed over it for ages.
I wanted a way of remembering her little baby grows and outfits, but the thought of cutting them up seemed too final. After about a week of deliberation I’d settled on going forward and yesterday was the afternoon I had put aside to go through her clothes.
I opened her newborn box and started crying. Not pretty tears, but the big uglies. Finally I realised why I felt so rubbish. It was like saying good bye to that part of her childhood. Looking over tiny clothes she would never wear again, that I’d never be able to dress her in. These feelings took me completely by surprise, I dont think I’d have let myself feel this before. I’d have numbed it with alcohol.
I selected the clothes and sorted them into piles. A friend of mine is due a little girl any day so I sorted some items for her too.
At the end I felt teary, but strong. I didn’t realise how much I’d dreaded that task and subconsciously built it up in my head. The old me would’ve drank my way through it or at least got hammered the night before and after.
I’ve dropped the clothes off at the super talented ladies house and can’t wait to see what the end result is. I’m hoping it’s something BB will treasure for the rest of her life (if not her mama certainly will).
It’s taken some time to work through the feelings which is why I didnt post yesterday. I’m still sober and I haven’t binged for November. Trying to make a whole month is hard, but I’m determined to take it day by day.
How are you all? Hope all my lovely American friends are enjoying the celebrations.
Lots of Love