Day 122 today, hanging in there by my teeth. It all feels a little bit harder at the moment. I don’t know if it’s the weather (wet and windy), Englands politics (stinky and windy) or the virus and lockdown. Or it could be I’m changing inside and change is uncomfortable.
I’ve been doing a food diary since starting counselling last week for my binge eating disorder. What I’m noticing is any food that is off the days schedule (which consists of breakfast, lunch and tea and maybe a handful of nuts), gives me a ton of anxiety.
For example at the weekend I went to my favourite deli for sauerkraut. Whilst queuing I felt awful. Sweaty palms and racing thoughts, “would I be able to control myself? Should I pick up a cake or 2? Maybe a bit of cheese? I deserve a treat”. Just like the nasty alcohol voice it was there putting pressure on me. Trying to seduce me to binge eat.
Then yesterday I was bored and fancied some crisps whilst watching bake off. But it turned into this massive dilemma in my head. “Should I have them? I’m not hungry? Will this cause a binge? Will I eat a whole big bag”.
I think because I’ve always eaten to extremes before, I’ve not got a clue how to eat normally anymore. What slight over indulgence is and how often etc. I either eat like a rabied raccoon or I don’t eat.
I decided to have the crisps but only a few. But the whole thing including moderation caused so much anxiety I didn’t enjoy them. I feel like there’s so much feeling wrapped up in food I’ve labelled bad in my head. Its going to take some time to undo. I’ve been eating like this since 12/13. It will be like learning to eat again.
Has anyone else felt like this? I’ve just started some exercises to start working through. It feels like being back at school, I put it off and fight against it. But then when I’m engrossed I actually enjoy it.
How you’re all ok, safe from covid and well.
Ps BB is back to her sassy pants self 😂