Day 122 today, hanging in there by my teeth. It all feels a little bit harder at the moment. I don’t know if it’s the weather (wet and windy), Englands politics (stinky and windy) or the virus and lockdown. Or it could be I’m changing inside and change is uncomfortable.
I’ve been doing a food diary since starting counselling last week for my binge eating disorder. What I’m noticing is any food that is off the days schedule (which consists of breakfast, lunch and tea and maybe a handful of nuts), gives me a ton of anxiety.
For example at the weekend I went to my favourite deli for sauerkraut. Whilst queuing I felt awful. Sweaty palms and racing thoughts, “would I be able to control myself? Should I pick up a cake or 2? Maybe a bit of cheese? I deserve a treat”. Just like the nasty alcohol voice it was there putting pressure on me. Trying to seduce me to binge eat.
Then yesterday I was bored and fancied some crisps whilst watching bake off. But it turned into this massive dilemma in my head. “Should I have them? I’m not hungry? Will this cause a binge? Will I eat a whole big bag”.
I think because I’ve always eaten to extremes before, I’ve not got a clue how to eat normally anymore. What slight over indulgence is and how often etc. I either eat like a rabied raccoon or I don’t eat.
I decided to have the crisps but only a few. But the whole thing including moderation caused so much anxiety I didn’t enjoy them. I feel like there’s so much feeling wrapped up in food I’ve labelled bad in my head. Its going to take some time to undo. I’ve been eating like this since 12/13. It will be like learning to eat again.
Has anyone else felt like this? I’ve just started some exercises to start working through. It feels like being back at school, I put it off and fight against it. But then when I’m engrossed I actually enjoy it.
How you’re all ok, safe from covid and well.
Love
JS x
Ps BB is back to her sassy pants self 😂
I’m way too much in the ‘I relate’ corner to offer up any great advice…if anything – my binging is getting increasingly bad with all the cooped-up-ness…
If you find a good way to handle it…I’ll be first to read!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve found a really good book, it’s called Getting better Bit(e) by Bit(e): A survival kit for sufferers of Bulimis and Bing e Eating disorders by U Schmidt. It’s crazy how much I relate to in it. Just started the food diary and some of the activities. Can definitely recommend it
LikeLike
That’s a great tip – going to check that out!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I defo eat like this. The difference with food and booze is you can completely remove booze but you can’t do that with food. I never just have a handful of nuts, a few crisps or one chunk of chocolate … I just keep going and going. It’s so tricky and the anxiety is from the shame and guilt I think. I can’t advise but I’m really interested to hear your journey and hopefully learn some things to help myself. Xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s exactly what I said to the counsellor. It’s really hard with food as you have to eat. In the book, it says alcohol dependency and eating disorders can go hand in hand which I thought was really interesting xxx
LikeLiked by 2 people
I can see that for sure. That battle in your brain though is truly exhausting and anxiety is never fun to live with. Hugs 🤗 xxx
LikeLiked by 2 people
That sounds so agonizing going back and forth over food like that. It really does sound like when I used to fight myself over getting a bottle of wine or not. I hope your new counselor will help you with specific strategies soon. Sending hugs!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thanks Leafy. Got my second appointment tomorrow fingers crossed
LikeLiked by 3 people
I hope your appointment goes well! Xo
LikeLiked by 2 people
Sounds so familiar on how I would go back and forth for buying alcohol. Sometimes I would say “ Jeez Jackie is this really taking up so much of your thoughts!?” And yes it was and I could not stop it for many years. I wish I had some amazing advice for for you and food. Like you said you can’t completely cut out food. I really feel for you and I think you’re amazing for being brave and seeing a counselor! I hope your second session goes well. 😘
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thanks so much Jackie. I was the same with alcohol and it’s like as that voice goes quieter this voice gets louder. Amazing how we all have this niggling voice ♡♡
LikeLiked by 3 people
Yes! I get this. I struggled with this for years. Hubs could never understand why I’d eat the whole big bag of chips all at once.
I am calmer with food now, but we have eliminated snack foods from the house, and hubs only buys an occasional small bag of chips for himself. It has helped both of us!
xo
Wendy
LikeLiked by 2 people
We’re doing the same, I feel so much calmer knowing theres no naughty food in the house. I suppose it’s how some people feel about having alcohol in the house, whereas I’ve been lucky and having alcohol in has never bothered me…. chocolate how ever 😂🤦♀️
LikeLiked by 2 people