Day 126 – Standing on the Edge

Yesterday I took a day off social media to spend with family. I ended up being tested with my eating disorder, but hopefully it’s taught me an important lesson.

The day started with a muddy 2.5 mile stomp with the SD over the fields by us. She jumped in puddles, ditches and we played pooh sticks as the rain came lashing down.

It was so much fun to be outside in a rain storm, we both loved it. After 2hours we came home, peeled off our wet clothes and warmed up.

The hubby was being forced to do a date night. He had to chose what to cook, decorate the table and then we both were going to put on something fancy. I was going to stand in the porch and he was going to let me in for this date night.

Now the husband loves binging too, but doesn’t think he has a problem. I think it’s all subjective on how it makes you feel. I get a ton of anxiety over eating whereas he doesn’t and just enjoys the food. Anyway gets to 4pm, I’m just starting BBs (beautiful babys) tea and I realise he hasnt cooked anything.

I enquired why and he said he thought he’d get take out what do I fancy? I automatically say pizza and cheesecake, 2 of my favourite binge foods.

I’m disappointed he hasnt cooked anything and feel let down he hasnt taken the date night seriously. I stand in the kitchen mad at him and myself . I feel like I’m weak, I know this food will set off a binge and I don’t want to start a 2 week binge cycle off as I know how hard it is to break.

Whilst waiting for BBs tea to cool down I think f**k it and impulsively eat a bowl of rice pudding, which I’d normally avoid because dairy makes me feel rubbish and it has a high sugar content. On a roll now I start eyeing up the treat cupboards.

Then something inside happens. It feels like I’m standing on the edge looking down into an abyss. If I take the plunge with pizza and cheese cake I’ll tumble down, spiralling further and further in to the dark.

I grab my keys and tell my husband I’m popping out to get us tea that I dont want pizza and cheesecake. He tells me he’s ordered chinese instead. I still feel stirred up, but I know chinese isnt one of my binge foods I could take it or leave it.

I get all emotional and tell him how out of control I feel and for the moment I need a plan, I can’t do last minute options. That choice is overwhelming and I dont trust myself. He listens and gives me a big hug. He acknowledges that it’s not the same for him and he doesn’t really understand but he’ll support me nevertheless.

That evening whilst BB is being put down, I put on a nice dress and my SD does my hair and make up for me (think lots of unicorn slides and glitter lip gloss). I hide in the porch and knock and they let me in.

I’d set the table all nice with candles and the hubby had brought alcohol free wine. We ate the Chinese and I enjoyed it.

I stopped when I was full and didn’t over indulge. I also felt proud of myself. Something so silly and barmy, but I feel like I’ve taken a massive step. I’ve never managed to pull myself back once I’ve started a f**k it before.

After the meal, we dance (read I made the hubby dance) to our wedding song and then we change into our pjs. He tells me he actually loved date night and could we do it once a month. I’m in charge of Decembers one.

What the experience has taught me is that when I dont have a plan it’s easy to feel out of control which leads to binging. I also used the exercises I’d completed in my book, the positives of quitting to help remind me why when I started. I also visualised how I would feel after having a binge and how disappointed and guilty I would be.

I also need to be better writing in my food diary when the SD is here. Shes so nosey I’ve been neglecting it, but it really does help.

So that’s the learning curve this weekend. It’s now Sunday afternoon and I’ve just done my yoga. How’s everyone elses weekend been?

Love JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

20 thoughts on “Day 126 – Standing on the Edge

  1. That is so self aware and lovely.
    He can’t read your mind and telling him how your feel is HUGE. it is how we overcome and keep relationships real.

    We only get what we need when we are with others what that is.

    I’m so amazed by you. Thank you for sharing that thought process.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds like a good learning curve! Ha “she is so nosey” – it’s a lot harder once they learn how to read, isn’t it? My daughter who is almost 10 is always peeking at my e-mails and wants to know every adult thing that is going on. Also, please tell me, what is “tea”? To me it’s just the beverage, but you reference getting it “ready” for the baby and also going out to get it for you and hubs – I think it is something different in England?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hahahaaa oh I see. You’d think I’d know that, I was in love with a boy from Birmingham once. Also have friends living in Bristol and family in Wales. I’m forever charmed by the language from your part of the world!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. This is a huge step and well done. Your date night sounds great and hats off to you for keeping going and making sure it happened. I’m glad Hubbie enjoyed it in the end. It’s really important to make that time and so many of us don’t. Good for you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I know! It’s the expectations we place on situations, people and ourselves. I do it all the time. Feel frustrated and disappointed because things haven’t gone as planned, or my husband isn’t as excited as he should be etc etc. But you let that go. That’s fab xxx

        Liked by 1 person

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