Day 136 – Patchwork Quilt

I’ve tried to write this post three or four different times today.

I recieved a patchwork quilt I had made yesterday, which had all of my favourite outfits my daughter had worn in the first year of her life. I’m gifting it to her at Christmas and I secretly hope it becomes “the blanket” she takes everywhere with her.

I wanted to write how lifes journey seems like one big patchwork quilt. Of scraps of happy memories, but of your happy memories.

I wanted to cleverly link it to sobriety and say how being sober is the new thread that links it together. The old drinking thread, was worn, exhausted and messy. How the new thread is vibrant, strong and neat. How I’m now attaching memories with little resilient cross stitches.

However, BB woke me up at 2:36am and I’ve been awake ever since. It appears my brain also can’t cope with lack of sleep sober as it did as a drinker. Therefore this is as eloquently as I can put it for now.

I had a good session with the counsellor today. I had a family issue rear its head yesterday. One I’d been expecting for a while but secretly hoping for the last year wouldnt come. It made me feel sick with anxiety and it was some of the strongest emotions I had experienced in a long time. Instead of wanting to binge I immediately wanted to purge. Expel the feeling from my body.

I went in a dream like state to the bathroom and almost on auto pilot leant over the toilet. At the last minute I asked myself what I was doing and I managed to stop. I’ve never managed to stop before.

I havent purged in years and was shocked and a little frightened how automatic it felt. The dreamlike state, detachment, how fast it happened.

When talking to the counsellor we discussed the emotions that lead up to it. In reflection it was the same emotions I felt as a child. The out of control feeling, powerlessness, anxiety, not being good enough. I’d never linked the two before and it felt really empowering doing so. I’m starting to slowly get to grips with asking myself what does my reaction tell me about myself.

So that’s me today. How are all you? Hope you’re all ok

Love

JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

14 thoughts on “Day 136 – Patchwork Quilt

  1. The quilt looks beautiful: what a lovely idea 😍 sorry to hear about the hard time you had with your counseling session. Maybe these things need to come out and now you are sober you will in time be able to deal with them. You are so brave for even trying 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The quilt is beautiful. What a treasure.
    Your self awareness and openness to questioning your behaviour is very good. I think this will carry you far.
    I can be overwhelmed. I keep the house free from alcohol to protect myself from myself. When in a low I can be very self destructive. Like you, I see it so much more. But still. I can only say that when I learned my ex was cheating I was glad for my safe home.

    Keep sharing! I’m learning with you!

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sounds like you are making some important insights and connections. And the work is rarely easy, but so worth it. Hugs to you. 💕

    Liked by 2 people

  4. That quilt is absolutely gorgeous and what a keepsake. Lovely idea. Counselling can be really tough going but so worth doing. Sorry you felt so bad yesterday. Anxiety is a terrible thing. Keep going with the counselling for as long as you need. Its important for you and for your little family. Xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. It is SO hard reliving the memories we lived through when we were kids but didn’t process appropriately. Sending hope that re-experiencing the pain with knowledge of what triggered it will help you move through and heal once and for all. xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Absolutely love that quilt! I am sorry you had such a bad day and sure am sending you a big hug! You are truly brave for facing what causes your anxiety and although so very hard, I see you getting stronger and stronger!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’m sorry I am just reading this now! It’s so interesting how we can have physical reactions to emotional things. It’s all connected. What Jackie said is true and perfect – you are so brave and getting stronger and stronger! 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

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