I’ve tried to write this post three or four different times today.
I recieved a patchwork quilt I had made yesterday, which had all of my favourite outfits my daughter had worn in the first year of her life. I’m gifting it to her at Christmas and I secretly hope it becomes “the blanket” she takes everywhere with her.
I wanted to write how lifes journey seems like one big patchwork quilt. Of scraps of happy memories, but of your happy memories.
I wanted to cleverly link it to sobriety and say how being sober is the new thread that links it together. The old drinking thread, was worn, exhausted and messy. How the new thread is vibrant, strong and neat. How I’m now attaching memories with little resilient cross stitches.
However, BB woke me up at 2:36am and I’ve been awake ever since. It appears my brain also can’t cope with lack of sleep sober as it did as a drinker. Therefore this is as eloquently as I can put it for now.
I had a good session with the counsellor today. I had a family issue rear its head yesterday. One I’d been expecting for a while but secretly hoping for the last year wouldnt come. It made me feel sick with anxiety and it was some of the strongest emotions I had experienced in a long time. Instead of wanting to binge I immediately wanted to purge. Expel the feeling from my body.
I went in a dream like state to the bathroom and almost on auto pilot leant over the toilet. At the last minute I asked myself what I was doing and I managed to stop. I’ve never managed to stop before.
I havent purged in years and was shocked and a little frightened how automatic it felt. The dreamlike state, detachment, how fast it happened.
When talking to the counsellor we discussed the emotions that lead up to it. In reflection it was the same emotions I felt as a child. The out of control feeling, powerlessness, anxiety, not being good enough. I’d never linked the two before and it felt really empowering doing so. I’m starting to slowly get to grips with asking myself what does my reaction tell me about myself.
So that’s me today. How are all you? Hope you’re all ok