Day 155 – Binge Eating

I’m binge eating again and I feel so ashamed. I’m really struggling with moderation.

I’m not making excuses but I think I’ve got a built in dodgy moderation switch. I’m all or nothing in most things in life, so why would food be any different.

I was definitely all with alcohol and I’m now comfortable with nothing. The thought of never drinking again doesn’t scare me. But what do you do with food? When you need it for nourishment.

I read an article recently with Gary Barlow. He stated it took him 18 months to fall down a rabbit hole of an eating disorder, but 10 years to come out of it. He believes there’s certain foods he can’t now eat as it would set off a binge episode.

I shared this with my counsellor and said I believed this was correct for me. Gary’s foods were chinese and chips whereas my food is sweet indulgences, cake and chocolate.

My counsellor dismissed it and said it was a common misconception, but someone has had to tell themselves that to believe it to be true. Once you’re over the disorder you should be able to enjoy any food as all food has equal value.

I get his sentiment, however, with alcohol there are certain triggers I look out for as I know it could start an episode of me drinking.

I think with binge eating sweet indulgences are my triggers. But then this leaves me wondering how do I overcome this. Do I avoid like I did in November? Or do I try and moderate with my built in dodgy switch.

I noticed in November how much better I felt not binging. I felt anxious around food, but as the month progressed, I felt proud. My self esteem grew. I liked me more.

Now I’m nearly sobbing in an oversized dressing gown as I’ve inhaled a chocolate Santa whilst my husband does the food shop.

I don’t really know the answer. I’m cross at me that I’ve taken a step back. No make that a giant lunge back. I feel disgusted, overweight, repulsed at myself. So here I am. Monday night.

Hoping tomorrow is a better day

JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

22 thoughts on “Day 155 – Binge Eating

  1. Hugs!!!! Please try not to be so hard on yourself. You don’t deserve it! I’m so sorry you are feeling so terrible. I think that Christmas is a very hard time to try not to eat a lot of chocolate. I know you don’t feel great about it, but you can just start again tomorrow. You’ve made great progress. A step or two backwards won’t change that. 🤗

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    1. Thanks so much Leafy. It’s so hard not to feel like an utter failure, it’s so similar to alcohol. You binge, feel like utter crap so then binge again and on goes the cycle ♡♡

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  2. Sending hugs. I agree with leafy, you are being exceptionally tough on yourself. It may not help at all but I have worked my way through half a family sized bag of peanuts, two packs of crisps, half a bag of chewy sweets and one entire box of toffeefe (or however you spell the bloody things). I haven’t done that in ages and I was out of control, telling myself I deserved it. God knows why because I haven’t done a jot of exercise today either! You have done brilliantly. It’s a tough time of year and your first Xmas sober. Focus on that first, remain sober and let yourself off the hook with bingeing tonight. New day tomorrow. Xxx 😘

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  3. It’s so important not to be too hard on yourself! Think of everything that’s going on right now and I think you can be forgiven, especially in the run up to Christmas when indulgence is sold to us everywhere we go. I hope you feel better soon: remember everything you’ve accomplished and be proud of yourself!

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  4. JS – first a big hug🤗🤗🤗🤗. You are perfect – whole – complete. I know you don’t feel like it right now but you must trust me. How could you be anything else coming from a Spirit of only love. Deep breaths. Focus on your heart and move out of your head. When we want to make changes we must must remember we can’t go from A straight to Z. There are many gradual steps along the way and yes sometimes we take steps backwards to review a point we weren’t clear on. Being kind to yourself and showing love to yourself, just like you do for everyone else, is your secret power. Use it. Tomorrow is a new day and the light takes away the darkness and lets us begin anew. You can make the steps at YOUR pace. I believe in you and fully support you on this journey. Reconnect inward and ask to be guided. It works❤️

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  5. I couldn’t agree more with all these above comments! ❤️ Tomorrow is a new day and like others said these Holidays are hard food wise!! I’m so sorry your having a rough night but don’t be too hard on yourself, I think your pretty awesome!! 🤩

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  6. Hugs from me too. I know how it feels. Tomorrow is a new day. Sugar is addictive, people have withdrawal symptoms when they cut it out …. and it provides the dopamine which everyone is seeking more of right now. Whatever you do, remember the rest of the month is not lost…. it is so easy at this point before x-mas to throw in the towel, go balls out, and “start over” in Jan. You have all the tools to get through the rest of the month without succumbing to feeling like total crap.

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  7. Keep paying attention to how you feel.
    Therapists are not the experts on you.
    Food is very complicated. It’s always around.

    In the end, what is the worst outcome of a binge? Digestive discomfort?
    The guilt is not needed. Try positive self talk.

    This is a long recovery. As is alcohol.

    You are doing amazing. Don’t forget to congratulate yourself. You deserve it.

    Anne

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  8. I feel you.

    If you feel like certain foods should be avoided, you know yourself and your body better than anyone. I would override what your counselor said and do what your intuition tells you.

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