I’m starting to think more about labels, mainly the labels we put on ourselves.
They can be positive like “clever, happy go lucky, hardworking” or negative “underachiever, overweight, bad friend”. Some of the positives can also become negatives to a person. For example “everyone thinks I’m the weird kid since I’m clever”.
I was sitting there last night watching a Xmas film with Seth Rogan musing. Earlier on in the evening I’d noticed, when taking the never ending washing out of the machine and dividing up the clothes. I grabbed a top and thought in my head “Mummys”.
That’s the first time it’s happened. Normally I just think mine. I’m not sure its because I constantly talk to BB to develop her speech and I’m all mummy this and mummy that. But it felt nice.
You see I’ve always felt a bit detached from others. I love my husband dearly as well as my daughter and step daughter. But I’ve always felt quite contained, whilst part of my family. I’m not sure if it’s down to rejection in childhood or a toxic mother. So it’s become a sort of protection mechanism for my heart.
Part of this journey was to become a better mummy, as quite honestly I didn’t feel like I was one. I felt I was playing a role 9-5 and then disappearing in a bottle of wine when the clock struck 5.
But for the first time since having BB I felt like a mummy, like really really felt it deep inside. Something slotted into place. Connected. It really resonated and it’s a label I’m happy to have.
Another label I’ve been playing around with is the word alcoholic. I never considered myself an alcoholic. More of an over enthusiastic drinker. An over achiever in the bar world.
But things are shifting internally and I’m starting to recognise I just might have been. And do you know what? That’s ok. I’m facing up to what I am. Warts and all.
Having this label, doesnt make me any less of a person. It makes me real, human. It makes me resilient and strong to overcome this addiction.
One day I’ll share this with my daughter and hope she is as proud as I am, that I’m on the journey to over coming this
Happy delightful sober Sunday