Yesterday for Christmas, we stayed at home the 3 of us. I loved it.
You see normally Christmas involves 16 of us squeezed round a table at my Aunts, whilst the family politics plays out over bottles of wine and food.
My mother being toxic, would make at least 3 maybe 4 digs about my weight, my outfit, make up, my life before we’d started dinner. I would be stressed preparing the starters for everyone, whilst taking into account 1 veggie cousin and 1 which never likes whatever we do so just gets served garlic bread.
We would sit round the table and I’d always feel an anxious knot in my stomach. For years I was single and would be asked over and over again, was there anyone special in my life. To then be told “dont worry when it happens it happens”. Or to be told my biological clock was ticking and to not leave it any later.
My one aunt is as toxic as my mother, you see the same patterns of behaviour play out, they get it from my nan. My other Aunt is lovely, warm and also doesn’t quite fit in like me.
I’d either drink to get through the occasion. Or mainly not drink at all, but get hammered the night before with nerves of the forthcoming meal and then hammered again Christmas day as soon as I got home. I’d always have a stress head ache and feel sick.
Yesterday was perfect. We got up when BB woke up. We slowly opened presents and played with BBs through out the day. We ate at a time to suit BB. We ate our favourite food without judgement.
There was zero stress with cooking since our favourite food is lasagne. We got it ready the night before, set the table ready. After BBs nap we went for a slow stroll and witnessed the most beautiful sunset.
I didn’t miss drink once. I didn’t feel like I “needed it” to escape reality or make xmas good. It just felt so good being away from a toxic Xmas and making new traditions.
My husband proclaimed how much he enjoyed Christmas and we’ve decided to do the same next year. I’m already looking forward to it.
I decided to eat what I wanted on the day and it was almost like giving myself permission stopped binging. I over indulged, ate chocolate and maybe a bit too much cheese. But had no feelings of disgust and guilt. I just felt like I’d enjoyed the day.
Today I’m reading a book I got for Xmas, with a blanket and a cuppa whilst BB naps. We’ve been up since 6 and enjoyed the deserted park for an hour this morning.
Hope everyone’s had a good Christmas. Even with plans changing and the virus, I really hope it was peaceful and joyful.