Day 173 – Happy New Year

I saw this on instagram this morning and thought it was perfect for anyone trying to really do something.

I know I’ve been guilty of this. Starting something and then finding an excuse. Whether it be because I’m scared, nervous, my lack of self belief or a hundred other reasons. The things I’ve really wanted to achieve, I’ve not had an excuse.

We had a quiet one last night. One because we are in tier 4 so options and limited and two because I’ve started to develop symptoms of what could be covid. I basically feel like someone has punched me in the chest, I’m all breathless and sore.

Luckily there were a ton of available slots for testing this morning (9am new years day). So I’ve started my new years off with a covid test. Happy 2021 to me.

When I got home I did my skin care routine, drank some water and whilst playing with BB (Beautiful Baby, who should now actually be Beautiful Toddler). A message popped up from an unknown number wishing me a happy new year.

On closer inspection (squinting at a whatsap pic) it was someone from my past. He broke my heart into pieces in 2013. Literal pieces. And at the time I never thought the pain would go away.

He popped up over the years, a text here or there and I’d find myself caught up in the fantasy again. Maybe he’d changed, maybe he really wanted me this time, that he was ready to commit.

My friends loathed him with good reason and he developed the nickname 4 slice. As once he’d brought me a 4 slice toaster as a moving in present and I must’ve analysed this for at least a whole weekend. 4 slices must mean he was ready to commit right? Otherwise he’d have just brought me a 2 slice toaster. Whilst doing this with a glass of wine in hand of course.

It took me until Winter 2017 to realise the only thing that needed to change was my low self esteem.

Since then he’s text me on 3 occasions and I’ve not replied to a single one. I met my husband Spring 2018.

My husband is a gorgeous man, kind, loving, bit daft and supportive. He cherishes me, helps me stay sober and is supporting a career change.

Amazing how the right person appears when you start to believe a bit in yourself.

4 slices text reminded me how I used to feel. The pent up anxiety, the thrill of the reply, the feelings of inadequacy. I’m glad I dont feel like that, alone in my home anymore. That my home is filled with constant noise, chattering and love.

During this belly gazing moment, I also realised something. Since giving up drink I’ve been a lot more content.

Taking away the first anguished moments of quitting, I actually feel like a nice person, that I’m a good enough mum, wife, step mum and friend. I used to always be looking at what others were doing. Feeling inadequate, jealous even, if I felt their lives were better. Better jobs, cars, homes, even hair, clothes and skin.

I’ve realised for the first time today those bitter feelings are gone. I am content. I’d like to improve, but improve for me. Not to compare myself to someone else.

It feels quite a revelation.

Happy New Year to everyone. Good luck where ever you are on your journey.

Love

JS xx

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

24 thoughts on “Day 173 – Happy New Year

  1. I love all of the growth in this post. Yes. You are enough – regardless of invalid comparisons.

    Fingers crossed for a negative but still – I wish you a greaaaat 2021 even if the start is slightly rocky!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a terrific post. The 4 slice thing made me laugh. I had many 4-slice men in my life, too. Good riddance! I’ve thought many times about how if I wasn’t drinking, I might have been able to see more clearly then and had more self-respect. I also truly hope you don’t have COVID! I hope you feel better very soon. xo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Leafy. I dont feel completely awful so thinking it’s just a bug. Plus I’m a massive worrier so any symptom I think it’s the virus 😂🤦‍♀️. I’m so glad I’m not drinking now as I might have been seriously tempted to reply. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve also had many 4 slice men…. they’re a dime a dozen. Especially when we give off that vulnerable, helpless vibe. Even if you’re play acting at be solid, they can sense their prey. My problem was, and can be even until this day, is that I am Sleeping Beauty in reverse….. I miss the red flags because instead of waking up after getting kissed- I go to sleep!!!🤔 Thanks for a great post, JS.💜

    Liked by 1 person

  4. When I read about you being content that is like my being happy. I imagine that they are one and the same. And the bitterness. It amazes me when I deal with someone who is oozing bitterness and realize how far I have come since then. Since stopping the pills. Since stopping the drinking I find that it is the emotions that I sometimes have a hard time dealing with. But twice now I have confronted my feelings and discussed them with the people that were affected by them. That was hard. No dissembling. No drink in hand to later blame my big mouth on. Just honest embarrassing emotion that were I to sit on would explode and though made me feel stupid and I cried I still expressed how I felt. And it was good. I am sorry here I go taking off with the comments section. I have a bad habit of that. I would say my resolution should be to NOT write books in the comment sections however I know it is a lie so am not even going to go there. Happy New Year. 🙂

    Like

      1. Yes that all it takes is one thing and fearing you will end up turning back? Yes but once I come up again I can put it into perspective but this winter and lack of connection (physical) is taking a toll. Only now my addiction is coffee and a lot of it. There are things though that I am getting back that I would not give up for the world. The main one being a character wanting to tell me her story. And dreaming. My imagination is unfurling. And I feel better. So even as I fear the worst I look at what I am standing on and how far I have come. Now it is a matter of pride and I will be damned if either addiction is going to ruin my hard work. We got each other. 😘

        Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s such an important moment when you get to this point in your sobriety. Stripped back and raw … we are ok. It brings peace, calm and contentment. No FOMO, no jealousy and no bitterness. This was the turning point for me when I realised I wouldn’t drink again. I never wanted to lose that feeling. Great post lovely ☺️💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: