I’ve just woken up all clammy with my heart racing. Last night in my dream I drank.
I was sitting in a made up city bar by a window with a collection of people. I was dressed up, confident, glass of crisp, cool, white wine in hand.
I remember taking a sip and then thinking oh crap, I’ve ruined my streak, I’ve got to do day one again. Then just deciding not to do day 1 again, just to “moderate”.
In my dream my mind flashes forward as I manage to moderate for a week, maybe 2. Then I’m having sneaky sips in the kitchen again. I’m choosing to go to a friends to get black out drunk, instead of spending time with BB. I’m hurrying friends with drinking, always watching my glass anticipating the next pour.
I feel out of control, but worse than before. I’m hiding bottles and BB doesn’t want to bring friends home from school incase I embarrass her.
I woke up in a state of panic. I’ve being contemplating recently about if I’d drink again. One of my friends said “oh you will have a glass of champagne at my wedding won’t you to celebrate” and another asked if we should bring wine to a canoe trip we’re doing when the virus is over.
All of this made me think maybe I could just drink on special occasions. Not in the house. Not infront of BB. But a conflicting thought was why would I want to put toxins in my body, go back to the hard first few white knuckle riding weeks.
The dream has come just at the right time. I believe it’s my subconscious saying I won’t or more to the point can’t drink ever again. I just can’t moderate it and its dancing with the devil.
That’s something I’m coming to terms with and it feels weirdly ok.
Happy sober saturday