Day 188 – Alcohol Nightmares

I’ve just woken up all clammy with my heart racing. Last night in my dream I drank.

I was sitting in a made up city bar by a window with a collection of people. I was dressed up, confident, glass of crisp, cool, white wine in hand.

I remember taking a sip and then thinking oh crap, I’ve ruined my streak, I’ve got to do day one again. Then just deciding not to do day 1 again, just to “moderate”.

In my dream my mind flashes forward as I manage to moderate for a week, maybe 2. Then I’m having sneaky sips in the kitchen again. I’m choosing to go to a friends to get black out drunk, instead of spending time with BB. I’m hurrying friends with drinking, always watching my glass anticipating the next pour.

I feel out of control, but worse than before. I’m hiding bottles and BB doesn’t want to bring friends home from school incase I embarrass her.

I woke up in a state of panic. I’ve being contemplating recently about if I’d drink again. One of my friends said “oh you will have a glass of champagne at my wedding won’t you to celebrate” and another asked if we should bring wine to a canoe trip we’re doing when the virus is over.

All of this made me think maybe I could just drink on special occasions. Not in the house. Not infront of BB. But a conflicting thought was why would I want to put toxins in my body, go back to the hard first few white knuckle riding weeks.

The dream has come just at the right time. I believe it’s my subconscious saying I won’t or more to the point can’t drink ever again. I just can’t moderate it and its dancing with the devil.

That’s something I’m coming to terms with and it feels weirdly ok.

Happy sober saturday

Love

JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

24 thoughts on “Day 188 – Alcohol Nightmares

  1. I used to have these dreams every two weeks. Then I’d always ‘wake up’ in my dream and think ‘oh god, it wasn’t a dream, I really did it!’ Then I’d wake up again feeling relieved 😅

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh bless you, I get many anxiety dreams (not about this subject but still) and I know how it makes me feel so I hope you’re doing okay! Never let anyone away you if you feel happy staying as you are – I’ll bet they’ll hardly notice if you ask for or bring your own alcohol free and use it. If they do have a problem with that then I’d be very sad they can’t be supportive. All the best xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Indeed, JS. Right there with you. I could relate to your comment, “anticipating the next pour”. I remember always worrying when I was getting close to my glass being empty and starting to make eye contact with my waiter. Only being satisfied temporarily and then do it all over again. Not a way to live our precious beautiful life. You end up just missing out on The NOW. It’s so wonderful waking up from the lie of alcohol.😊🤗

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I think it is hard for others to realize how it can be difficult for some people. I have had so many people ask me if I quit drinking on purpose. And do I mean forever? For surely I will be able to have one here or there. And I tell them no I cannot. One leads to two which leads to three and so on and so forth. I have worked way too hard to get to this point and I will be damned if I fall back. There is something very satisfactory in saying I have been sober for 182 days. and that it was my decision to make. That I do not miss those feelings. I needed to read your words this morning for that to settle into concrete. Thank you. Have a great Saturday 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Me neither. I had de-alcoholized wine for New Years and I still found myself exhibiting the same behaviour which disturbed me. So even that is off the table for me but that is ok. Coffee is a great substitute. 🤗

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I haven’t had a dream yet, but the way you describe the decline is exactly what I have to remind myself of why I CAN NOT drink. Because it always starts with innocent sips to heavy sips to sneaky sips to gulping. I’m so glad I don’t have to think about this anymore. It’s unreal how much more time I have now that I don’t think about alcohol all the time.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I haven’t yet had one of these dreams, but I think they are super common. Isn’t it great when your subconscious helps to protect you from yourself? That “I’ll just drink on special occasions” thing is one that I struggle with, too. It’s so hard to remember the daily pull when you get further from it! Luckily, your own brain reminded you. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Those drink dreams are scary! But good warnings…. I try not to think into the future too much- or question where my sobriety is going. Never again are fighting words for me- makes me immediately want a drink… actually not so much now as in the first year. Keeping grounded and centered in each moment was key for me. Thanks for sharing your gift of words with us, JS!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I think the dreams are a good thing. If you ever listen to pod Casey’s cheek out the bubble hour. Jean is amazing, and there are a few on dreams. I have been a bites a couple of times.

    I had many of your same thoughts. In the end, why ruin a celebration by adding booze? All it does is make everything a bit blurry and less meaningful. Is that celebrating?

    I truly never feel like I can’t drink. I don’t want to drink. I choose to not drink. I love clear eyes and mind.

    I know it’s hard to believe that…but it is true. I never feel deprived or left out. I feel very sure that I know the truth…

    In my sober years so many friends tell me about their drinking partner, cousin, Child, etc. Alcohol has really been a negative for so many. It is hard to imagine why it is so glorified.

    You are giving yourself the greatest gift. Bb will always respect that. I sometimes wish I had quit sooner, but I just didn’t know better then.

    Have a great Sunday.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Loved your comment. I feel exactly the same. It also annoys me. Why is celebrating tied up with alcohol. Why can’t it be a delicious hot chocolate or latte or something. Plus I love fizzy water with a bit of fruit in, that’s enough of a treat for me 🥰😂

      Liked by 2 people

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