Day 189 – When the sh*t hits

The grenade went off last night when my husband emailed his ex wife regarding the private school she is hell bent on sending my step daughter to.

She is wishing to break the court ordered financial agreement and contribute less towards childcare due to her funding the school. She also by default wants us to pay more in covering the extra weeks holidays my step daughter would have, the increased school uniform costs and any additional school trips etc.

We simply can not afford it. We live modestly on one salary supporting the 4 of us currently. We can afford all our necessities but not any extravagances. But we are happy, we don’t want or wish for more.

The whole point of the financial order was to protect us from her doing this as she’s a lot more affluent and doesnt wish to pay as much.

We have stated my SDs school is currently outstanding, they’ve offered excellent online lessons, she loves her friends and teachers. That she has experienced a ton of upheaval in the last few years and school has been her one constant security blanket. That she loves her childminder, she’s settled and happy. That we’d prefer her not to go.

All of this has fallen on deaf ears and as I’ve said, she is hell bent on sending her.

We had preliminary discussions in July last year at time when I still had a job to go back to. She gave us a scribbled draft of her financial workings out and we went back with what we needed to make it work. Since then both our stances have changed. She is now asking for more, whereas we are asking to stick with the financial agreement and use this money to cover the extra costs of uniform and holiday cover.

This resulted in her creating a whatsap group last night adding us both and then ranting about how we’d changed the goal posts (so had she) and if my SD couldn’t go we would be disappointing her forever. That she felt forced into a corner to continue to pay the financial agreement (like yes it’s a legal enforceable document).

Her message immediately caused all sorts of turmoil. My husband rubbish with conflict, went quiet, brooding and snappy. I was expecting this but was annoyed I’d been added into a whatsap group to discuss it informally.

Then I could feel the anxiety kick in. My heart beat went erratic. My mind was racing with all the potential scenarios. I felt the wine witch give me a wink.

I lit some candles and powered through my yoga, getting lost in the flow. And you know what. It really helped. Like really helped.

I came out of the practice calm, no longer craving (well it had reduced considerably) and was able to be supportive and nurturing towards my husband. I responded to the group thanking her for including me, but stating I’d rather the discussions stayed between the 2 of them for now. I felt proud I’d maintained my boundaries. I then left the group.

This morning after a rubbish nights sleep, I’ve helped my husband devise a response to her email that is calm, unemotive and to the point. Not using the dramatic language and the guilt manipulation she has tried to use.

I dont agree with her approach or demands, however, I do emphasise with her as a mother. She obviously believes it is the best route for her daughter and she’s fighting for us to contribute to her idea. I respect her for doing that, for looking out for her daughter. I only hope she shows some respect and empathy back to our family and financial situation.

So that’s where we are today. It was the strongest urge I’d had in ages, I’m glad I managed to fight it.

How’s everyones Sundays?

Love

JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

29 thoughts on “Day 189 – When the sh*t hits

  1. The thing about sobriety is that life continues to happen around us whether we like it or not. Your reaction to this sh!t show (I’ve dealt with ex wives, step kids and understand what a circus it is), your reaction was absolutely brilliant!! As I was reading, I was getting concerned because I know what *I* would’ve done in your shoes. Thankfully you chose wisely (if you’re an Indians Jones fan, that’ll give you a snicker).
    You are an inspiration. A true inspiration. Life is not always easy. Throw sobriety on top of that and you are almost always guaranteed an “excuse” to drink and you didn’t!
    I’m so excited for you!! Be proud, be strong and be grateful. 🥰🤗🥰🤗🥰🤗🥰🤗🥰🤗
    M

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks so much Monica. It was a really close call I’m not going to lie and if a bottle of white was open in the fridge I’d be starting on day 1 again. I hate all the conflict of blended families, it’s so hard isnt it. She was the one who had the affair, but still plays victim, tries to emotionally manipulate and has insinuated around the school it was us that broke the marriage up(even tho we didnt met until a year after the split). Thank goodness for youtube yoga 😂😂 and loved the reference 🤗🤗

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sounds like the ex wife you’re dealing with is the same as the one I am… she was the one who had an affair too… Ugh. Stay strong!! 🙂 SENDING LOTS OF LOVE!!!! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. This is exactly why I don’t have alcohol in the house. You never know when something terrible will happen and in a fit of despair or anger drinking will seem like a solution. A self destructive solution.

        You did a truly loving thing to protect yourself. Don’t underestimate how far you have come.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This is so great to hear. Seriously. Im only 28 days sober, but I’m in a blended family. My ex husband has made terrible and poor choices and then wants to project those on to us. I could write a book. Thankfully, I’ve learned and researched what a narcissist is and I’m able to finally respond just like you did. It’s an excellent approach that will deliver the least drama. That is my goal. What will deliver the least drama? I recently started Adrienne and Yoga and it really has helped too. She talks so much that I don’t have time to think. This may sound corny and I don’t even know you: but I really am so proud of you. And you should be too. 💕

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much I’m proud of you too 28 days is awesome. You know I found the first 40 days the hardest part, but looking back I’m sort of sad theyve passed and envious that others are doing them. She’s a narcissist too I think. Massively powerful job, used to control, status, bangs on about women supporting women on media but then shags peoples husbands 🙄. But the stories been rewritten with her cast as the struggling working mum and as a victim over coming this. It’s laughable when most months she has her less than 50%. Oops sorry for my rant. If you ever want to talk I’m always here 🥰🥰🥰

      Like

  3. Wow, this sounds like a difficult situation so well done for detaching from it, protecting your boundaries and staying sober through it all! Life does indeed continue to happen and when we can no longer escape into a bottle then we have to find another way. I have grown so much spiritually by having to face difficult situations in sobriety.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What a situation to be brought into, but well done on handling it! I have zero experience in exes and such but can’t imagine what your dealing with. The paragraph where you said you realize she thinks this is best for her daughter but hopes she realizes your place in this as well, is the best. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It doesn’t seem fair.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ugh, what a messy situation. And what an uncooperative co-parent she is! 🤬I’m really really impressed with how you handled it. Truly. Great job. I think good boundaries are seriously the key to success for those of us who tend to escape our feelings with booze. ❤️🤗

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ugh I am fine but I drank a little and regretted it. Luckily a “slip” for me does not at all equate to drinking all the time again, more like the opposite, wanting even more to abstain.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Hug
    It is complicated to deal with ex’s. Any questions in my circumstances have ended in a deferral to the court order child support. It is only fair to hold to it, and insist any changes be requested through legal channels.

    Removing yourself from the discussion was very adult. The ex sounds a bit manipulative. It is best to leave it to them.

    Sober you will manage this. It is the only way.

    Anne

    Like

    1. Thanks Anne. I actually understand why she’s doing it. I know she also wants what’s best for her, plus she’s not often present with her so guilt will play a factor too. We are going to do the same. Any deviation would be through the legal channels, which would probably affect her more as our household is earning less whilst hers is earning more

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: