Day 217 – Sunny Sober Saturday Mornings at 7 months

Saturday is my lie in day and I look forward to it all week. This Saturday was no different.

Bb slept in and we all awoke together at 7am (most recently we’ve been lucky to sleep in until 530am). The hubster got her up, brought me a mint tea in bed and I sat contemplating watching the wintery blue skies.

The sky this morning looked absolutely gorgeous, pink hues, beautiful blues and I just sat there sipping my tea feeling so lucky. It felt so good not waking up without a hangover. I think this feeling alone is enough to make me never pick up the bottle again.

I was warm and snuggly and could hear BB running around downstairs playing with her dad. This is the life I dreamed of having 5 years ago and when that thought hit me it was like I was dumbfounded.

My sister then text me saying we made 7 months and I hadn’t even realised. It’s strange, I used to count the minutes and hours in the first few weeks. Now time is flying by.

Today has mainly been about photos. I lost my phone a few days ago and really panicked. It’s got all my photos on of BB since her birth. My husband and I decided to upload them to a hard drive so if we ever lost our phones we would still have a copy.

This process took hours, I didnt realise how many we had. My phone didn’t want to play ball and the laptop was old and juddery.

But on the flipside, part of the magic of this was being able to see old photos, like the one from a few weeks ago on the top of this post. I scrolled back and saw our summer holidays to Devon, Xmas with the girls in matching pjs, a meal out when we could eat out.

Also on there were the photos from that day on the farm. My rock bottom. Where I’d drank so much the afternoon before I felt lightheaded and ridiculously sick. I was a mess and responsible for 2 children.

I’d taken 3 selfies of myself that day, to remind myself how bad I felt. How I nearly threw up in the bins by the cows. How my head pounded and I just wanted to roll over and die.

Looking at the photos now I seem and feel like a different person. I was so bloated, my skin was dull but most of all my eyes are awful. They’re blood shot, hollow and haunted. They look pleadingly at the camera.

I don’t ever want to go back to that point. The desperation, the guilt I’m a rubbish mama and partner, alcohol being the only thing on the pedestal, feeling horrendous but craving another drink.

So if you’re starting out, it is absolutely worth it. Time does speed up again, yet it slows to notice the little things. You have a new appreciation for life and the cravings and habits slowly melt away.

Keep trying 🙂

Hope everyone’s having a lovely Saturday

Love

JS xx