Day 220 – More reflections

This week is my birthday week and I feel really weird about it. Every 3 to 4 years I get in a funk about my birthday and this year seems to be one of them. (Once I ripped down all the banners over my desk at work, then was absolutely mortified the next day bout my outburst and spent week apologising to my colleagues).

I’m never really sure where this funk comes from. Is it because my dad walked out on my birthday? Is it the fear of getting older? Or the disappointment of not being exactly where I thought I’d be? Is it I prefer others birthdays to my own?

I’ve been doing quite a bit of navel gazing about it.

I don’t think it’s what happened with my father, it was 27 years ago. I feel I worked through this about 7 years ago and it felt like a great weight had been lifted.

I don’t think it’s the disappointment of not being where I thought I’d be either. After a long time coming, I’m content.

I always pictured living in a big, old, stylish Victorian revamped house with cool old tiles in the hall way and stained glass windows. That I’d come home from my Director position and kiss my adorable children on their little heads.

Whilst it was a lovely dream to have and it’s scary restarting a career at 37 (gulp), I’m actually pretty excited about the whole thing. I’ve been doing a ton of pre course reading, practicing maths and looking at career plans.

So I’m thinking it’s the fear of getting old. Or more to the point my body changes linked to the passing of time. I look at myself in the mirror and don’t recognise myself from the girl I was about 3 years ago.

I ask the mirror can my boobs get any lower? Will I ever see my feet again? Will my hair ever be blonde again? What’s with all this grey? Where the hell have my cheek bones disappeared to? What are these wrinkles around my eyes? Where is the girl who laughed freely in Vietnam 3 years ago? Who travelled fearlessly, making friends easily whilst discovering new places?

I read somewhere that getting old is a gift, which some aren’t lucky enough to experience. And I agree with this sentiment completely. I’m lucky to reach this birthday, to have my beautiful daughter, my lovely husband and our little home. But even though I know this, it doesn’t stop the funk about the body changes.

I’m practicing accepting this with yoga, my skin care routine and trying to drink a ton of water. I’m lightly exercising and hope to build on this.

On another note I was thinking about my birthday last year. BB was 4 months old. My husband wanted to take me out got a nice meal and all I wanted to do was go and get black out drunk without any childcare responsibilities.

So that’s what I did. I went a friends, drank until 3am, passed out, vomited and wondered why I felt so rubbish for days after. I felt mentally checked out of motherhood and marriage for at least a week.

This year we’re spending the day together, eating good food, going the park for BB to play on the swings and curling up together during her nap time. The me last year would have sneered at this. It would’ve been my worst nightmare.

Now there’s no where else I’d rather be.

Happy Wednesday everyone. Sorry for all the waffle today

Love

JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

18 thoughts on “Day 220 – More reflections

  1. I went through something very similar, as I felt I aged very suddenly after the birth of my second son aged 36. It was quite a shock as I expected it to happen gradually, but I think once the post-pregnancy glow wore off I was quite shocked by the changes. I’m happy to say that now by the age of 39 if grown into my wrinkles and feel happy in my skin again!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I remember when it happened all my friends were far away and I was so upset! But really I don’t think it’s that bad we notice the changes in ourselves much more than everyone else.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t like birthdays either. I will be 50! This year. Ah.
    Don’t underestimate the pain of a parents abandonment. My parents are still here, but my mother is a pure narcissist.
    Birthdays are another day where she always made me feel badly for wanting anything….or not wanting anything. I could never get it right. I still can’t.

    I know that isn’t normal. I know kids deserve parents love. I know I will always be sad in my heart that she can’t give that to me.

    I also know it isn’t me….but it is impossible to let go of some expectations and find perfect acceptance. That’s what makes us compassionate humans.

    I hope you have a lovely day. I hope you embrace your little family and your beautiful sober life. I do love my softer, greyer aging body more now than when I was a super fit size 4 with no wrinkles. If only I knew then what I know now….I probably wouldn’t have believed it! Lol

    Love to you.

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your comment about your mum made me smile. I’ve just got off the phone to my mum and had the exact same experience. There must be a narcissist mum pattern. Thanks for your lovely comments are you doing anything nice for your 50th ♡♡

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think this years Birthday plans sound just wonderful! I hope you enjoy throughly! My birthday was January 4th and it’s always just dumb. Maybe next year instead of hoping for a surprise I should make a fun evening like you have! 😃

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think Jan birthdays are so hard. Especially so fresh into new year new me. I said to the hubby I’m looking forward to my birthday surprise as we were going to bed. Then when he looked panicked I said I knew the surprise was that there was no surprise. The look of relief on his face 😂.
      I feel really lucky tbh as there’s no pressure to drink either. I sometimes wonder if I’d have been able to abstain for so long if we were able to socialise

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  4. There is an aura which surrounds and radiates from someone who has “passed the torch” and has found a peace and comfort within their own skin. I’m not minimizing at all the dismay at seeing youthfulness fade but just know inner beauty has no competition. Beauty worth having is timeless. You sound like a beauty, my friend. ❤

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  5. Ohhhhh girl do I understand! I was 38.5 yesterday and feel like there is a distinct change in how old I look vs. a couple years ago. In fact, I know it, because the other night, after a particularly dark freezing depressing day I went back and looked at photos from “normal times” and cried (not because of how I looked but seeing everyone together and carefree…) …. (and I wasn’t even drinking!)
    But then I ask myself this – do I value any of my friends less because of their weight / hair color / skin tone? Of course not. And I don’t hang with a bunch of barbies, either. Do I actually even give a shit about their physical characteristics at all? No, I’m just happy they like hanging out with me.
    When I was growing up, did I give a thought at all about the physical appearance of any of the older women I loved? Not that I can remember. Not unless it was my mom complaining about her own “cottage cheese legs” which led to me inspecting my own for any sign of cellulite as a teen….
    I’m not claiming to not be vain because I totally still am, but the above is what I try to remind myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m sorry you are in a funk!! I think we all go through that. But it really is true that we only get more wise and comfortable in our own skin as we get older, and that is definitely something to celebrate!! I hope your day is lovely tomorrow. ❤️

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  7. I’m never a fan of my own birthday which is kind of sad in a way. I love other people’s and making a fuss of them. I think your late 30s is a strange time … things feel like they move fast and you become aware of getting older for the first time. Now I’m 48 and approaching 49 time hasn’t slowed down but I kind of like having let go of the days of youth. As Leafy said, you do feel more relaxed about your appearance, less expectations maybe. I’m afraid to say my friend … yes your boobs can get lower, and they do! 😉 Have a wonderful birthday 😊💕 xxxx

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  8. I had my kids in my late thirties also! Birthdays are not what they used to be 😂.
    I also think its something to do with becoming a Mom. We tend to lose ourselves a bit, our identity shifts and we look up after the ‘baby’ days have passed and we wonder who we are?? That’s what it was like for me. And yep, boobs butt and tummy are never the same again 🤦‍♀️🤣

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