Day 257 – That uncomfortable feeling

I watched an episode of the amazing “This is us” earlier in the week and unexpectedly it brought up a whole host of uncomfortable feelings. They’ve stuck around with me all week, lurking in the shadows. So I thought I’d purge/share on here.

The episode was in series 5, examining the link of baseball between the father and sons in the series. In one scene, Jack’s dad comes to watch Jack play baseball and sinks a 6 pack whilst watching. Jack is probably aged around 13 years old.

When Jack comes off the pitch it is clear to him his dad is drunk. He is cruel to him and drunkenly drops his car keys on the floor as he tells Jack to get into the car to go home.

You can see the turmoil in Jack’s face. He knows his dad is not capable of driving safely and he is worried and fearful of the journey home. He is also fearful of his dad and confronting the issue in front of him.

He suggests why dont they hang about for a bit and the dad is straight on at him. What, you don’t think I’m capable of driving? I’ve only had a couple? Who are you to question me? He makes his young son drive them home.

You can see the concentration on Jack’s face whilst he’s trying to drive a car for the first time on main roads, under his drunk dads instruction. Believing its safer for him to drive with no training, than his dad. It made me cry.

It also brought memories flooding back of my childhood. My parents would always drink too much at Bbqs/parties and then squabble after who’s turn it was to drive. I remember anticipating the ride home, watching each parent drink and counting their drinks, feeling sick and out of control. Especially when going home came round. Remembering their squabbles as we were bundled into the car, then gripping tightly onto the side of the car. Breathing carefully and watching each turn. Feeling sick with anxiety.

I must’ve been under 10 years old as my father left on my 10th birthday.

One occasion I remember the squabble and my mum deciding she would drive. The route would’ve been a 15 minute journey, I can still see it in my head. My dad fought back, he was ok to drive he said. But my mum insisted.

Half way home, he was all over the place and couldn’t keep his head up. I remember my mum asking what he’d “really had to drink” and he replied whisky chasers. I can remember this as clear as day.

These memories are bumbling around in my head and make me feel so uncomfortable. I feel the anxiety again as if I’m in that moment.

But I also feel it’s an important reminder. My children will never know that fear. I will never be drunk infront of them, fumbling over seat belts whilst squabbling over who’s the least drunk. They will never feel the fear of getting into the car, knowing their parents have been reckless with their lives. That brings some relief and makes my resolve even stronger.

Love

JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

15 thoughts on “Day 257 – That uncomfortable feeling

  1. My oldest first boyfriends mom drank a lot and drove. He recalls once he was screaming as she was on the sidewalk. He learned to live with it and pretty much took care of himself. My daughter said how sorry she was for him and his reply was “Oh it’s okay, we are all good.” This response my daughter said was due to that is just what he is used to. They did break up however he is going to college and is an amazing artist. I hope he keeps doing-him! Anyway got off course there but I’m so sorry you had to experience that as a child. You’re a great mommy!!! ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My own kids have scary memories of drinking at our house. Mostly my daughter, and mainly around Craig, who was a loud, assholeish drunk.

    We had a good talk about this yesterday. She doesn’t talk to her dad, but I did say we should respect his willingness to go to treatment and get and stay sober, now for 7 years. He is not perfect and that’s ok. But he did try to improve along the way.
    It kind of changed her view of him a little, for the better.

    I stopped watching this is us a few seasons ago. I found the portrayal of Kevin’s drinking very truthful and distressing. The whole show felt like I was watching people fall apart. I decided it wasn’t healthy for me as I would get so upset!

    Kids see a lot, and it is so easy to do stupid things when drunk. So easy…
    You are setting such a great example for your children.

    Take care
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Anne. I know what you mean about this is us. I was literally crying every episode and took a break for a few months. It’s now a lot less emotive and uncomfortable to watch. Hope you’re ok? ♡♡

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  3. When we fostered a 6 year old boy, knowing what he had been through we both never drank a drop with him whilst he lived with us. I don’t drink now anyway. My mum and dad very rarely drank thankfully, they were hard enough work sober.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha, Im sure the kids will say something about us as parents and as long as it doesn’t start with a 4 letter expletive it means we didnt fail 😂😂😂

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  4. Oh dear! Those are tough memories.
    I’m very sorry.
    I didn’t have any like that, my dads drinking didn’t increase until I was married and moved away.
    But I do have some sad memories of him being drunk when he’d come to visit.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry, those memories sound so full of anxiety. Such an incredibly important reminder all that kids absorb at a young age. Even though, as you know, I’ve not stopped drinking entirely, I’ve even started watching my language re: alcohol around the kids, being careful not to glorify it as something we “need” all the time for relaxation or fun.

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  6. I can relate so much to this – my mum drove us drunk and I have terrified memories of being in the car with her. I am/was really controlling about others driving me and it can cause rows. I think this is trauma bubbling up for you and possibly relates to the sugar binge last night – you had difficult feelings you wanted gone? – I know I’ve been a complete arsehole to my kids when I’ve had a few as well which is a huge regret – hope you’re ok today 💞💞

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. I’m so controlling over who drives me too. I get spooked easily as a passenger and much prefer to be in control of the car. We always planned to eat sugar this weekend. We used to always drink and food binge together so I said 4 weeks ago this is the weekend I’ll break. But I definitely was craving it this week when all the feelings resurfaced ❤❤

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