Day 258 – Excess

I seem to do everything in life to excess. Drinking, eating, exercising, skin care, I’m either all in or completely out.

It’s around 3am in the morning here in England and I’ve just been horrifically sick. It’s completely my fault.

I decided for 4 weeks I wouldn’t eat dairy or sugar as I’ve previously felt great doing this before.

After the cravings passed in the first week, I noticed improved energy levels. I was no longer having a dip in the afternoon and felt less irritable early evening. As my cravings went, my urge to binge quietened too. It still raised it’s ugly head occasionally, but it felt controllable and an uncomfortable feeling I could sit with.

Fast forward 4 weeks. Friday eve whilst enjoying a bath I started planning how I was going to break. I had a family pack of malteaser bunnies and I was going to treat myself. My husband fancied a loaded cheesecake and we were going to share one for dessert.

Saturday morning came round and I weighed myself. To say I was slightly disappointed to have only lost 2lbs in a month is an understatement. I was completely gutted. In my head I thought with running 4x a week and healthy eating I’d have shifted more.

This moved to feelings of disgust at my body. Instead of appreciating how strong it was for running, doing yoga, carrying a child and being a kick ass active mum, it felt fat, lumpy, useless.

It came round to lunch time and I began to eat the malteaser pack in earnest. Thankfully BB was napping. After the initial hit, it felt like I was going through the motions. I could’ve been eating any food, I wasn’t enjoying it for what it was. This is like my relationship with alcohol, after the initial ahh moment, I then used to continue zoning out and just cramming it in.

An hour later I was sleepy, irritable with the sugar rush jitters. It was so weird to actively acknowledge it. I remember shockingly that I used to feel like this regularly.

I pushed through and took BB (beautiful baby), to the park after nap time. I noticed I was more snappy with my husband than normal. But then again he was being more annoying.

This evening after tea, we tucked into cheesecake. In all honesty I didnt even want it, but my husband was so excited I went along with it. Once I started eating I felt implused to continue to cram it in even though my body was telling me to stop.

Tonight around 1am I awoke. Heart pounding, thirsty and feeling horrifically sick. I tried anti sickness medication, it didn’t work and I end up throwing up. It gave some relief but was horrible to experience.

I know you’re probably reading this and wondering why the hell I’m recording this. I’ve reread it myself and appreciate it’s so boring to read. But I feel its important to document how I feel so when I’m next at the cross roads I can reread this post.

From this I take

  1. How emotive weighing myself made me feel. It made me judge my body harshly and changed my mood and outlook
  2. How my addictive voice over rode what I knew my body needed (to stop eating, not eat the cheesecake). I need to recognise and honor this more.
  3. How I went along with something I knew would make me feel poorly to please my husband. He would be gutted if he knew. It’s just before we used to drink together and I know how much he loves dessert.
  4. My bodies response to today. The feeling of disgust, nausea and guilt after consuming. The physical feelings of needing to be sick, the jittery sugar rush, the hangover feeling crash.
  5. How I use certain food like alcohol. After the initial enjoyment I binge to chase the feeling. Often to a point of detriment to my health.

So those are my 3am musings. I think it will be a while before I can eat sugar and dairy again.

Love

JS xx

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

26 thoughts on “Day 258 – Excess

  1. Oh dear I identify with this all so much and it makes my heart hurt. It’s really more of a long conversation than a blog comment. But the wild swings between health promises and self destruction, the number on the scale causing obsessive thoughts and downward spiral…. I have been there so many times. You are more motivated, deliberate, and wise than I ever was though in sorting out your issues!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending you a big hug, JS.🤗 I think writing it down and letting it out is very wise. You’re realizing what worked and what didn’t and those insights are Gold. Brush yourself off and know you are an Amazing Soul 🦸‍♀️ ❤️ 💯 💪

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Morning JS

    This is hard reading for anyone let alone you. You’ve done so well with the drinking and the addressing the eating. You’ll need to rest today and heal. Maybe let hubby know your body doesn’t tolerate diary and sugar the same now as it did when you were drinking so you’re cutting it down.

    This was in a book by Janey Lee Grace on giving up the booze. It would be a good mantra for many of us each morning to recite.

    Thinking of you

    Ange

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so glad you wrote this and I can so relate to it – well done you doing the month. You could reframe this as your body is now really good at knowing what it does and doesn’t want/need? What an amazing body that is! I’ve not kept weighing scales in the house for years as I had bulimic type behaviour as a younger woman/teenager and didn’t want my girls to have same (but one did anyway). What a lot you have learnt from the last 24 hours – you are amazing – be kind to yourself today – huge hugs and love 💕 💞💞

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m really glad you wrote it down and used your blog for a really positive purpose. I am so sorry you felt that way and I totally hear you on the weighing in! I think we need to remember that running etc builds muscle too but it’s so hard when you step on those scales and feel disappointed. It is so important to remember that 2lbs in 4 weeks is a great achievement. It’s incredibly difficult to lose weight consistently. Keep going. It’s very tough when you are an ‘all or nothing’ person … in the true sense of it. I wish I could find moderation in things. But it was a blip. Today is a new day. Go slow! Be kind to yourself. Sending love ❤️ xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much. I’ve had melon for breakfast and really enjoyed it. I woke up fancying chocolate (ridiculous I know) went to the draw and felt sick again. So thankfully closed the draw. And you’re right, muscle weighs more than fat. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry you were so sick! That really stinks! I was sick for quite some time ( years ago ) and when I finally took the lactose intolerant test I was highly lactose intolerant. It’s so hard to avoid milk products, it’s in everything! I have tablets I can take to offset it like if I have pizza 🍕 or something similar but I haven’t had ice cream or a nice glass of chocolate milk in years. I think the idea of writing it down is perfect!! 🤩
    The scale is a monster. I just blogged I lost 2 lbs. well I got up this morning and my belly felt a little flatter. I do t know but I just felt better so I got on the scale, it said I gained it back. What in the actual f@&$. 🙄 I told the scale to Eff off and I’m just going to go with I’m feeling good today. Anyway so sorry again your night turned out to you being sick. I do admire you for writing and figuring it all out though! BB is so lucky to have you as a mommy!!! 😍🙌🏻❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Please throw the scale away. I promise you, it is liberating.

    Before deciding you are banishing sugar and dairy again, ask yourself why. Because you were sick? Perhaps allowing for some normal sugar and diary is more reasonable.
    I know, it’s hard when your are an all or nothing thinker, but the truth is that the middle path is what we all need. It is where we find peace.

    You have been running and eating well. That is to be celebrated and encouraged. Hopefully it makes you feel good on a day to day basis.

    Ram Dass has a number of podcasts where it talks about why we give things up. Is it for ourselves? Do we expect something out of it? Are we being phony holy?

    I struggle, like you, with food restrictions, body image and exercise. It is such a complicated relationship.

    You are doing awesome. Your posts show a person with food self awareness and a kind heart. The number on the scale is not a measure of your success.

    Love and hugs to you

    Anne

    Like

  8. Hugs to you. It’s good you wrote through the experience. Maybe considering ditching the scale, as that seems to have led to your downward spiral. I’m seriously consider getting rid of mine completely…like chucking it off a cliff. You are so much more than a number. 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I really understand that feeling of getting on the scale and being disappointed, then feeling so crappy about your body. Then, just giving up completely. I’ve done that, too. It’s the worst. Honestly, 2 lbs is great. It’s possible you may even have lost more than that but for water retention. We fluctuate so much throughout the month. Try to be kind to yourself. You deserve it! 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I think it shows you are human and experience this the same way as we all do! Having triggers around like chocolate is bound to make the brain go into ‘eat it all’ as she wont give me any more for another month mode!!! We have all experiences this someway or another. Thats why the diet industry is such a big seller! The body is complex enough when we take on a lot of exercise and eat that the weight loss doesn’t happen as planned. Although, it’s likely that the health benefits have been massive to you, even if you can’t see them.

    Liked by 2 people

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