I seem to do everything in life to excess. Drinking, eating, exercising, skin care, I’m either all in or completely out.
It’s around 3am in the morning here in England and I’ve just been horrifically sick. It’s completely my fault.
I decided for 4 weeks I wouldn’t eat dairy or sugar as I’ve previously felt great doing this before.
After the cravings passed in the first week, I noticed improved energy levels. I was no longer having a dip in the afternoon and felt less irritable early evening. As my cravings went, my urge to binge quietened too. It still raised it’s ugly head occasionally, but it felt controllable and an uncomfortable feeling I could sit with.
Fast forward 4 weeks. Friday eve whilst enjoying a bath I started planning how I was going to break. I had a family pack of malteaser bunnies and I was going to treat myself. My husband fancied a loaded cheesecake and we were going to share one for dessert.
Saturday morning came round and I weighed myself. To say I was slightly disappointed to have only lost 2lbs in a month is an understatement. I was completely gutted. In my head I thought with running 4x a week and healthy eating I’d have shifted more.
This moved to feelings of disgust at my body. Instead of appreciating how strong it was for running, doing yoga, carrying a child and being a kick ass active mum, it felt fat, lumpy, useless.
It came round to lunch time and I began to eat the malteaser pack in earnest. Thankfully BB was napping. After the initial hit, it felt like I was going through the motions. I could’ve been eating any food, I wasn’t enjoying it for what it was. This is like my relationship with alcohol, after the initial ahh moment, I then used to continue zoning out and just cramming it in.
An hour later I was sleepy, irritable with the sugar rush jitters. It was so weird to actively acknowledge it. I remember shockingly that I used to feel like this regularly.
I pushed through and took BB (beautiful baby), to the park after nap time. I noticed I was more snappy with my husband than normal. But then again he was being more annoying.
This evening after tea, we tucked into cheesecake. In all honesty I didnt even want it, but my husband was so excited I went along with it. Once I started eating I felt implused to continue to cram it in even though my body was telling me to stop.
Tonight around 1am I awoke. Heart pounding, thirsty and feeling horrifically sick. I tried anti sickness medication, it didn’t work and I end up throwing up. It gave some relief but was horrible to experience.
I know you’re probably reading this and wondering why the hell I’m recording this. I’ve reread it myself and appreciate it’s so boring to read. But I feel its important to document how I feel so when I’m next at the cross roads I can reread this post.
From this I take
- How emotive weighing myself made me feel. It made me judge my body harshly and changed my mood and outlook
- How my addictive voice over rode what I knew my body needed (to stop eating, not eat the cheesecake). I need to recognise and honor this more.
- How I went along with something I knew would make me feel poorly to please my husband. He would be gutted if he knew. It’s just before we used to drink together and I know how much he loves dessert.
- My bodies response to today. The feeling of disgust, nausea and guilt after consuming. The physical feelings of needing to be sick, the jittery sugar rush, the hangover feeling crash.
- How I use certain food like alcohol. After the initial enjoyment I binge to chase the feeling. Often to a point of detriment to my health.
So those are my 3am musings. I think it will be a while before I can eat sugar and dairy again.