So after writing everything thing down yesterday I went and did some yoga. During a lying down bit at the end, I fully decided I would raise everything with my husband.
I think part of my issue was I felt like I wasn’t living authentically as I was holding a lot in. I also felt I was trying to make myself a smaller person and pictured myself in a cage labelled “the good wife”. This cage felt like it was getting smaller and smaller as I got smaller and smaller (I’m reading untamed and the cage analogy has really struck a chord).
So I made the kids dinner and then when washing up with my husband I asked if we could speak openly later with out him going in a mood.
He asked what about and I gave him the option of speaking there and then which he took. I explained I found his moods incredibly stressful, that I felt like I was walking on eggshells. That I’ve tried my hardest with things that have irked him but no regard has happened for the things that irk me. That I’m holding back and feel like I’m disappearing infront of my eyes so I dont rock the boat.
Just then the door goes. Standing at the door is someone I dismissed from work 2 years ago. I thought to myself oh my god someone finally come to finish me off (it was a recurring nightmare I had when I worked in HR). He looks up and recognises me. He’d come about the census apparently on the gov website it looks like we hadnt filled it in. I show the confirmation email to show we have.
As I shut the door, my phones going off. I look at it as it rings off. It’s the ex wife. I ask my husband to check his. He has 2 missed calls, a text asking where her daughter is and a vile voicemail with her shouting down the phone.
He calls her back. She doesn’t even say hello and starts shouting where is my daughter. I see the hubby get riled. He starts shouting back don’t shout at me which is pointless as now they’re both shouting.
Basically in the rush of getting us ready so I can take her to the test site, an important meeting with his boss and other work bits, he forgot to tell his ex wife that my SD wasnt in school today. She found out from one of the school mums.
She obviously feels guilt as she knows she shouldn’t have sent her in on the Wednesday and should’ve got her tested. If she had the virus she could’ve infected 30 other children all seeing family over the Easter period. So to deflect away from the fact she is an awful selfish parent she focuses on she didnt know where she was. The call ends with her apologising for her approach and then she starts the usual tears coupled with I just didn’t know where my daughter was (obviously she would be with us).
I’m so flipping mad at my husband for not telling her she was off school and that we were getting her tested. She’s her parent and deserves to know. Like a stubborn teenager he’s retort was “well she wouldn’t have told me”.
Feeling emotionally exhausted I head out for a walk with a friend. My feelings are all jumbled in my head. If I’m honest I just want to grab BB and run away to the lakes or devon.
During the walk my friend asks what’s the deal with me not drinking. Most of the time I deflect with something small like dieting, antibiotics, health etc. Today shell shocked, I decide to start clawing back some of my authenticity and I’m brutally honest. I explain the secret sips in the kitchen, drinking every day, the loud voice inside my head. She’s so lovely about it and says she wishes there was something she could say or do to reassure me. I tell her just listening and accepting is enough.
I come home. Both kids are in bed. The house is clean and pizza has been ordered. I get a big hug. He apologises that all of the commotion for the evening interrupted our chat.
We talk. I tell him exactly how I feel. He listens. He apologises, he admits he’s been snappy at the little things and doesnt know why. We talk about what irks me and he promises to try harder.
We then discuss the ex. How he could’ve handled it better.
We head to bed. I feel so much better, lighter almost.
Today is good friday. I’m going to make it good.