Day 264 – Last night

BB at a National Trust

So after writing everything thing down yesterday I went and did some yoga. During a lying down bit at the end, I fully decided I would raise everything with my husband.

I think part of my issue was I felt like I wasn’t living authentically as I was holding a lot in. I also felt I was trying to make myself a smaller person and pictured myself in a cage labelled “the good wife”. This cage felt like it was getting smaller and smaller as I got smaller and smaller (I’m reading untamed and the cage analogy has really struck a chord).

So I made the kids dinner and then when washing up with my husband I asked if we could speak openly later with out him going in a mood.

He asked what about and I gave him the option of speaking there and then which he took. I explained I found his moods incredibly stressful, that I felt like I was walking on eggshells. That I’ve tried my hardest with things that have irked him but no regard has happened for the things that irk me. That I’m holding back and feel like I’m disappearing infront of my eyes so I dont rock the boat.

Just then the door goes. Standing at the door is someone I dismissed from work 2 years ago. I thought to myself oh my god someone finally come to finish me off (it was a recurring nightmare I had when I worked in HR). He looks up and recognises me. He’d come about the census apparently on the gov website it looks like we hadnt filled it in. I show the confirmation email to show we have.

As I shut the door, my phones going off. I look at it as it rings off. It’s the ex wife. I ask my husband to check his. He has 2 missed calls, a text asking where her daughter is and a vile voicemail with her shouting down the phone.

He calls her back. She doesn’t even say hello and starts shouting where is my daughter. I see the hubby get riled. He starts shouting back don’t shout at me which is pointless as now they’re both shouting.

Basically in the rush of getting us ready so I can take her to the test site, an important meeting with his boss and other work bits, he forgot to tell his ex wife that my SD wasnt in school today. She found out from one of the school mums.

She obviously feels guilt as she knows she shouldn’t have sent her in on the Wednesday and should’ve got her tested. If she had the virus she could’ve infected 30 other children all seeing family over the Easter period. So to deflect away from the fact she is an awful selfish parent she focuses on she didnt know where she was. The call ends with her apologising for her approach and then she starts the usual tears coupled with I just didn’t know where my daughter was (obviously she would be with us).

I’m so flipping mad at my husband for not telling her she was off school and that we were getting her tested. She’s her parent and deserves to know. Like a stubborn teenager he’s retort was “well she wouldn’t have told me”.

Feeling emotionally exhausted I head out for a walk with a friend. My feelings are all jumbled in my head. If I’m honest I just want to grab BB and run away to the lakes or devon.

During the walk my friend asks what’s the deal with me not drinking. Most of the time I deflect with something small like dieting, antibiotics, health etc. Today shell shocked, I decide to start clawing back some of my authenticity and I’m brutally honest. I explain the secret sips in the kitchen, drinking every day, the loud voice inside my head. She’s so lovely about it and says she wishes there was something she could say or do to reassure me. I tell her just listening and accepting is enough.

I come home. Both kids are in bed. The house is clean and pizza has been ordered. I get a big hug. He apologises that all of the commotion for the evening interrupted our chat.

We talk. I tell him exactly how I feel. He listens. He apologises, he admits he’s been snappy at the little things and doesnt know why. We talk about what irks me and he promises to try harder.

We then discuss the ex. How he could’ve handled it better.

We head to bed. I feel so much better, lighter almost.

Today is good friday. I’m going to make it good.

Lobe

JS x

Published by lifesippingaway

36 years old, wife, stay at home mum, outdoors lover, wild swimmer, starting the journey to an AF life

26 thoughts on “Day 264 – Last night

      1. Ouch!!!! It’s my birthday so we have a few nice things planned like walk along the beach and fish and chips…”drinks” at my friends garden in the afternoon but I will come here for support!!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Great that you talked. I totally get how stressful all this would have been. SD’s mum sounds like a selfish cow but it’s always best to not let other people’s poor behaviour impact on your own reactions and behaviours negatively. Tough to do but more positive for you and hubby in the end. I’m glad he listened. That’s all you can expect. You are doing brilliantly and recognising that you felt stressed and upset because you weren’t able to be your own sweet self is an amazing step forward. Living authentically is the most important step for us to believe we are worthy and have positive self esteem. Pretending to be something we aren’t just eats away at all of that fab work we have done to start loving and accepting ourselves. Sorry for the ramble! I think you struck a chord with the authentic living and cage analogy with me too!! I listen to to a podcast with Brene Brown and the author of Tamed … brilliant! Love and hugs 🤗

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  2. so glad it got brought to the foreground and discussed. I always go through the same thing for way too long before i address it and in fact this very same thing just happened to me, and i believe it was the right move. It is very tough and i very much believe it is fatigue from this ongoing pandemic. You did the right thing and big hugs that it will continue to go in a positive direction!!

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  3. Sounds like you were honest and communicated your feelings and you were heard – that’s awesome! Good for you for taking care of yourself with a walk and yoga (the lying down part at the end is my favorite part)

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  4. I’m so glad you spoke your truth!
    It’s the only way to figure things out with a loved one.
    I know I have to have talks now and then with the Mr., and the key is to be calm and use “I” statements.
    I hope you have a glorious Easter weekend!
    Your baby is adorable!
    Ooo! I get to go to an outdoor yoga class on Sunday!
    xo
    Wendy

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  5. I’m sorry.
    It must be very hard to manage two homes. Your husband has a hard position. I expect there is lots of old baggage there.
    You might consider completely disengaging From how he deals with is exr. It is not your responsibility, and it adds to his conflict.
    I see you get the fallout. That is unfair.

    Have you read codependent no more? It is an excellent start. Trying to manage others emotions for them is impossible, and in doing so we minimize ourselves.

    It is a complicated thing then there are kids, as we obviously need to help them learn emotional regulation. So as moms we take the caregiver, make everything ok, walk on eggshells role. It is not fun.

    My own mom never thought me any healthy coping and I spent my life trying to ensure she was satisfied and never winning. In hindsight I can see I did that with my ex too. I think your mom is like mine. It is a learned response from years of trying to avoid distress.

    In sobriety I realized some of this, but I was never willing to look at our marriage. When it ended I saw how much of me I had sacrificed. I have regained that person.

    This is a hard change. My ex, like my mom, never accepted his role. He would apologize for things, but would not change behaviour. I wanted to run away many times, and harboured a lot of resentment.

    Talk to your therapist. Continue to develop you own voice and independence. It doesn’t happen overnight. You have already started by voicing your needs.

    Hugs and love to you
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t have much constructive to add, but I understand. A walk with a friend and opening up is so much more therapeutic than booze!
    It might sounds cheezy but yoga has definitely helped me “open up” too – sometimes it is almost a form of meditation. The place I go to, we would always do half pigeon near the end of the hour – the room would be all dark and sweaty and the instructor would sometimes say you hold emotions in your hips and to release them. I went to yoga during a lot of hard times (still drinking regularly though!) so I would lay there with my leg all uncomfortably scrunched beneath me, put my head down on my hands, and cry.
    Sometimes during corpse pose at the end too. Even if I didn’t figure anything out, I felt more at peace.

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  7. Sounds like a hectic few days for you! And to have a third person (the ex) ringing in the evening and shouting – that is very upsetting for your household. Sounds like you both came together very well later that evening and am glad you feel better after the chat. My hobbies does that moody thing too from time to time and I always find myself trying to anticipate and hopefully deflect, or else try and ‘talk’ him out of it – which of course usually ends up doing the opposite! Hope you have a fantastic Easter, your little girl looks so sweet 🥰🥰🥰

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  8. I think it’s wonderful you shared with your friend about the why of not drinking – your true self, authentic and real and nothing to be ashamed of – much much more to be proud of. Reconstituted families are complicated and your husbands ex sounds difficult! You and he are growing and changing, she isn’t – that’s always going to make things harder. Keep going on this journey of self discovery – you are doing amazing 💞💞

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