I saw this on instagram this morning and thought it was perfect for anyone trying to really do something.
I know I’ve been guilty of this. Starting something and then finding an excuse. Whether it be because I’m scared, nervous, my lack of self belief or a hundred other reasons. The things I’ve really wanted to achieve, I’ve not had an excuse.
We had a quiet one last night. One because we are in tier 4 so options and limited and two because I’ve started to develop symptoms of what could be covid. I basically feel like someone has punched me in the chest, I’m all breathless and sore.
Luckily there were a ton of available slots for testing this morning (9am new years day). So I’ve started my new years off with a covid test. Happy 2021 to me.
When I got home I did my skin care routine, drank some water and whilst playing with BB (Beautiful Baby, who should now actually be Beautiful Toddler). A message popped up from an unknown number wishing me a happy new year.
On closer inspection (squinting at a whatsap pic) it was someone from my past. He broke my heart into pieces in 2013. Literal pieces. And at the time I never thought the pain would go away.
He popped up over the years, a text here or there and I’d find myself caught up in the fantasy again. Maybe he’d changed, maybe he really wanted me this time, that he was ready to commit.
My friends loathed him with good reason and he developed the nickname 4 slice. As once he’d brought me a 4 slice toaster as a moving in present and I must’ve analysed this for at least a whole weekend. 4 slices must mean he was ready to commit right? Otherwise he’d have just brought me a 2 slice toaster. Whilst doing this with a glass of wine in hand of course.
It took me until Winter 2017 to realise the only thing that needed to change was my low self esteem.
Since then he’s text me on 3 occasions and I’ve not replied to a single one. I met my husband Spring 2018.
My husband is a gorgeous man, kind, loving, bit daft and supportive. He cherishes me, helps me stay sober and is supporting a career change.
Amazing how the right person appears when you start to believe a bit in yourself.
4 slices text reminded me how I used to feel. The pent up anxiety, the thrill of the reply, the feelings of inadequacy. I’m glad I dont feel like that, alone in my home anymore. That my home is filled with constant noise, chattering and love.
During this belly gazing moment, I also realised something. Since giving up drink I’ve been a lot more content.
Taking away the first anguished moments of quitting, I actually feel like a nice person, that I’m a good enough mum, wife, step mum and friend. I used to always be looking at what others were doing. Feeling inadequate, jealous even, if I felt their lives were better. Better jobs, cars, homes, even hair, clothes and skin.
I’ve realised for the first time today those bitter feelings are gone. I am content. I’d like to improve, but improve for me. Not to compare myself to someone else.
It feels quite a revelation.
Happy New Year to everyone. Good luck where ever you are on your journey.