Day 160 – Baking Cookies

So yesterday we logged on to the class interactive teaching tool to see what lessons were planned for that day.

The teacher had “kindly” said “have fun” and then left a list of fun activities for them to try. I read the list (watch a movie, bake cookies, have a dance party, get outside) and felt my inner voice scream loudly.

At around about the same time, my SDs mum uploaded on her social media, you didnt know the struggle until you home schooled for 2 weeks as a working single mother. It took all my self control not to point out she had done 3.5 days out of the 10.

Anyway, a lovely blogger Ingrid, had uploaded some honey cookies to make. I think they were Slovenian. So I mixed up the dough and let it rest whilst BB and my SD watched the horror that is Arthur Christmas.

We then had fun making shapes in the dough and I loved guiding BB in trying to make shapes. She ate way more but we managed to get a heart shaped cookie out.

As BB napped, I painted my SD nails and we decorated the cookies. She had a festive hot chocolate and snuggled down to watch another xmas film.

A wet dreary home schooling day actually turned out to be rather lovely. When her dad finished work, we played our favourite xmas songs with just the Xmas lights on and danced and laughed.

I read once children don’t remember the presents we brought them, but they remember the traditions, the smells, the lights, their feelings at the time.

I know this is true in my experience and I really hope my SD and BB remember like this too. This week our home has smelt of cookies, we’ve laughed whilst dancing, watching films and baking, snuggled up all cosy in the warm glow of the lights.

We’re not the richest of people, in fact we’ve really saved just to buy the girls gifts this year. But I’m hoping this is actually the gift that they’ll remember in years to come.

Happy sober Saturday

Love

JS xxx

Day 159 -Breaking the cycle

Normally when I start binging on food, that’s it. I’m in a destructive cycle for weeks, with it escalating each day. I end up bloated, with a sugar hangover and feeling utterly rubbish with myself.

I managed to stop binging after 2 days, which is a record for me. I tried to put into practice all the things we’d discussed in my counselling sessions. So food diary, food plan, 2 snacks etc.

I realised my most vulnerable time was BBs nap time so I distracted myself with study for my forthcoming course and asked my husband to hide the chocolate in my SDs room (as she would be so judgemental if I went in and looked for it).

I’ve noticed how rubbish I feel after binging. Not just emotionally, but physically. I have a headache, I feel shaky, I feel tired and irritable. I try and remind myself whilst riding a craving.

I’m not out the woods by any means. I realistically know that with all the tempting foods of Xmas, there will be other times during this period. All I can do is try not to beat myself up too bad and climb back on that horse.

How are you all? Hope you’re all ok? Thanks everyone who reached in my last post.

Love

JS xx

Day 155 – Binge Eating

I’m binge eating again and I feel so ashamed. I’m really struggling with moderation.

I’m not making excuses but I think I’ve got a built in dodgy moderation switch. I’m all or nothing in most things in life, so why would food be any different.

I was definitely all with alcohol and I’m now comfortable with nothing. The thought of never drinking again doesn’t scare me. But what do you do with food? When you need it for nourishment.

I read an article recently with Gary Barlow. He stated it took him 18 months to fall down a rabbit hole of an eating disorder, but 10 years to come out of it. He believes there’s certain foods he can’t now eat as it would set off a binge episode.

I shared this with my counsellor and said I believed this was correct for me. Gary’s foods were chinese and chips whereas my food is sweet indulgences, cake and chocolate.

My counsellor dismissed it and said it was a common misconception, but someone has had to tell themselves that to believe it to be true. Once you’re over the disorder you should be able to enjoy any food as all food has equal value.

I get his sentiment, however, with alcohol there are certain triggers I look out for as I know it could start an episode of me drinking.

I think with binge eating sweet indulgences are my triggers. But then this leaves me wondering how do I overcome this. Do I avoid like I did in November? Or do I try and moderate with my built in dodgy switch.

I noticed in November how much better I felt not binging. I felt anxious around food, but as the month progressed, I felt proud. My self esteem grew. I liked me more.

Now I’m nearly sobbing in an oversized dressing gown as I’ve inhaled a chocolate Santa whilst my husband does the food shop.

I don’t really know the answer. I’m cross at me that I’ve taken a step back. No make that a giant lunge back. I feel disgusted, overweight, repulsed at myself. So here I am. Monday night.

Hoping tomorrow is a better day

JS x

Day 154 – Dreary Sundays

“Oh the weather outside is frightful, but inside it’s quite delightful”.

That pretty much sums up today. Earlier I ran 3 miles in sleet and loved it. I’m definitely a winter runner, love the feeling of the rain pelting my face.

Talking of running, my running friend went to our cheese and wine deli to give her Xmas wine order in. The lovely guy who owned it asked how I was and she told him I was sober. Apparently he is “shook”. It really made me laugh and feel proud. But also it’s a stark reminder of how drinking was associated with me.

I wonder what new associations are going to go hand in hand with me?

I’m hoping (and trying to practice) kindness, good mummy skills and happiness. I read somewhere people can either be radiators (and glow warmth) or be drains (go figure) and I’m hoping to be a radiator. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion I was a drain before. Draining drinks and draining peoples good feelings with drama, misery and worry.

My SD was upset today she was going back to her mums. She said she loved baking every day (scraping and licking the bowl) and doing a morning of school work then a film in BBs nap time. I know her mum is struggling with her high powered job and home schooling, so I messaged to see if we could have her an extra day.

She came back quickly with yes, so we’ve got another day together tomorrow. In the summer this would’ve never happened, I feel like we’ve come a long way. Although I’m sure there’s plenty more bumps in the road to be had.

So that’s Sunday. I’m curled up reading Virgin River for the 3rd time (does anyone else reread time and time again the same books they love?). BB is napping. We’ve just shared a piece of chocolate cake that we made yesterday and taken some over to our lovely neighbours.

Inside really is delightful.

Love

JS x

Day 153 – 5 months and baby kisses

Today marks 5 months of giving up alcohol (I’ve decided to count it from today).

Today was also the first day I discovered how gorgeous (yet slobbery) baby kisses are. Emma gave me her first baby kiss and it melted my heart.

I’d gone out for the morning to get my hair done and spent 3 hours being pampered in my hairdressers, catching up with the gossip. I used to go every 6 weeks when working, now I’m lucky to go 2x a year. My stylist is so lovely, she was telling me how she nearly got stuck in NY with the virus and had to fly home early from her holiday with her husband.

On returning to the home, I could hear the chaos as soon as my key hit the lock. My SD was from the sounds of it being a brat, my BB was screaming and my hubster trying to manage the scene in front of him.

I shedded my coat, washed my hands and grabbed BB for a big cuddle. She lent forward and kissed me. I wanted to cry, the surge of emotion was so intense. We then sat on the sofa with her baby books and I was rewarded with another slobbery one.

She’s now napping as my SD and I bake a guinness cake (oh the irony). I tipped the remaining Guinness down the sink without even a thought of a swig too. 5 months ago, I’d have definitely swigged the can until it was over. And the probably planned a baileys hot chocolate.

We’re now snuggled up on the sofa, tree lights twinkly, my SD with a hot chocolate and my husband exhausted, fast asleep on the other sofa.

Apparently 2 kids for a morning is exhausting (welcome to my life).

When I was drinking, I was never satisfied with where I was. I always felt I was missing out. I wanted to be out socialising resentful that family life was holding me back.

Now in my pjs at 2pm, I know there is no where in the world I would rather be.

Happy sober saturday

Love

JS x

Day 152 – Gingerbread

Today in isolation we made gingerbread. I enjoyed the task with my SD, it was nice. She also loved it.

My eating has gone a little bit squiffy again, but I feel quite relaxed about it. I ate 2 pieces of gingerbread with a hot chocolate with cream and had a pizza for tea. Normally that would give me a ton of anxiety.

I’d be asking myself whether I’d be starting a binge? Would I be able to stop it? Am I out of control?

Part of me still stresses and asks this and part of me is telling myself it’s no big deal. You enjoyed the process of baking and enjoying the gingerbread. Just eat more vegetables tomorrow.

I’m definitely going to start my food diary again as that makes me more mindful of what I’m eating.

I cant work out if I’ve hit 5 months today or tomorrow. My first day sober was the 12th. So does that mean every 12th is another sober month? That’s what I thought but my sister thinks my sober date is from today as in you hit the 11th. It’s frazzled my brain.

Any how. Happy sober friday. Hope you’ve all got lovely weekends planned whatever they are.

Lots of love

JS

Day 151 –

My SD came early this morning and the house feels so much more alive having her here. Thankfully her test came back negative, she’s just got a nasty viral infection and cough.

She loves the Xmas tree and loves that BB is now saying mama, dadda and cat. She’s desperately trying to teach her to say her name, to little success.

The cat also loves the Xmas tree and has gone in head first a few times to explore. I had to pick him quickly up the first time and now I only have to say his name and he skitters off.

In other news, my husband took BB out with him to collect my SD which meant I had an hour to myself this morning. I’m wearing mascara and have straighten hair for the first time in forever. He doubled looked when he came in.

In 2 days I’ll hit the 5 month mark. I can’t believe I’ve got there to be honest. Some bits have felt fluid and easy, others have felt like I’m hanging on with my teeth.

Part of me wishes I could go back and do it all again. I look back to the walk I took by myself in the Lake district when I was really struggling. I wish I could give me a hug and tell myself it’s all worth it. Life is so much calmer, water has finally found its level.

I’m celebrating 5 months, by getting my hair done. Then I’m going to either order or cook some delicious food for my husband and I and make a hot chocolate.

I can’t wait.

How did you celebrate milestones?

Love

JS x

Day 150 – Oh Xmas Tree

So my SD is still at her mums, hopefully awaiting her covid test results. We have text a couple of times to ask her how she is, but so far those messages are being ignored.

I hate not knowing that she’s ok and it’s even worse for her dad. I had loads of anxiety this morning, I woke up feeling sick in my stomach and not hungry.

I made myself eat some porridge and continued with the day as planned.

Whilst driving to BBs baby class, I remembered discussing with my counsellor how I felt about my mothers behaviour. At the time he listened and offered this advice:

“You can’t control how others behave you can only control your reaction (and your own behaviour)”.

For some reason this calmed me. I’d felt out of control, planning worst case scenarios and how I would respond. As I thought of this phrase, my shoulders actually sagged with relief.

Throughout the day every time my brain tried to explore a terrible scenario, I managed to pull myself back into the present. In doing so, I was able to be there more for my husband and support him more.

This evening we got our Xmas tree and decorated it. It’s normally a tradition where my SD and hubster get the tree and I make hot chocolate (mine normally laced with baileys) on their return.

This year it felt weird getting it without her, but ultimately she wouldnt be able to go as she’s isolating. We decorated it efficiently (it only took 45 minutes, surely that’s a record?), with half our decorations being put aside until BB is a little bit older. She’s currently sticking everything in her mouth.

It felt weird not drinking hot chocolate laced with baileys. It also felt weird it being just my hubby and I, it’s never happened before. It was different but good different.

I’m now sitting with my xmas mug, reflecting, snuggled under a blanket, with a hot chocolate laced with marshmallows. And you know what? It’s just as yummy.

Are any of you finding that xmas traditions seem to normally go hand in hand with drinking? How are you finding it?

Happy festive Wednesday

Love

JS x

Day 149 – Step families and Covid

As I predicted over a cuppa this weekend to my bemused (at the time) husband, it is all kicking off over my step daughter and covid.

My step daughters bubble has got to isolate, there have been 5 cases in the last few days. She was spending the weekend with her mother when the news came on Sunday. She was due to come to ours tomorrow and stay until Monday.

Since isolating her mother has been trying to have me look after her on her days and then have her delivered to her at certain times after work. I politely refused and said she could either come for the whole period of isolation or we continue the custody arrangement.

I love my step daughter, however, I’ll be honest when I heard the news I didnt think it was right her going between our 2 houses during isolation. Especially when her mum is driving her an hour down the motorway to mix with her partners kids, who then go back to their mothers. I got quoted the custody agreement when this was raised with her mother, so we were expecting her tomorrow.

To make things fun I’ve been out and brought baking stuff (maths and science) and stuff to make pictures on and snowflakes for arts and crafts. I’ve created a hot chocolate station and looked at what films we could watch in BBs nap times. I thought we could rate the Xmas films and write film reviews for English.

Her mother text tonight to say she’s got a “cold”, but shes sure its nothing. She’s given her calpol and put her to bed early. Now we know my SD doesn’t go to bed early (she actively fights bed time) unless she’s sick.

We ask her to get her tested before she comes. When her result is negative she can come over and we are happy to have her extra days to make up for it.

Her mother kicks off. She has a busy day at work tomorrow, do we know how stressful her job is? (She’s a director for a big company and often writes in magazines about maintaining the perfect working life balance). She can’t believe that we “don’t want to see her”. I am literally flabbergasted.

I feel so sorry for my SD. If it was BB, I wouldnt be letting her out of my sight until I knew she was well and it wasn’t covid. But my SD’s mum is more concerned on how it affects her working day.

My husband is now doubting himself, “maybe we should just have her and get her tested”. He feels awful that she’s painted it as we don’t want her. I’m now feeling like a terrible person for putting my foot down to try and stop any possible transmission and to protect my daughter.

So that’s me. I’m so glad I’m not drinking otherwise I wouldve taken the phone off my husband and text her myself. Luckily he’s a lot less confrontational.

I ran tonight and boy I was fast. Burning out the anxiety.

How is everyone this tuesday?

Love

JS x

Day 148 – Grey Foggy Day

Today we took a chilly stomp round a park with fog for company. I loved it.

We (BB and I) were meant to have our first swimming lesson, but it was cancelled so we had a long bath full of toys. We played. She napped, I did some maths (brushing up for September).

Now she’s in bed, hubster is doing the food shop, I’ve done running yoga again and now watching Emily in Paris with the stinky cat and a stinky candle.

Happy Sober Monday

Love

JS