Day 146 – Nearly 5 months

Thanks everyone for their kind comments regarding the career change. One minute I’m wildly optimistic and excited. The next I’m having a wobble and quaking in my boots (today is the later). Just keep telling myself baby steps, break it down to easy steps. Then hopefully before I know it, I’ve baby stepped through a PGCE course and a NQT year.

Today I’ve wrapped and delivered my families presents to my mums. We’ve popped out to our local high street to order our xmas cheese at my favourite deli and sat in the cold, winter sunshine on a bench with a hot chocolate, trying to keep away from the crowds. We people and pigeon watched.

Then BB had a go on the swing and back we came to continue to wrap and bake bread.

I’m not usually this organised with present wrapping, however, we’ve been informed there’s a covid case in my step daughters class ar school. She’s currently at her mums, where I think she should stay to reduce potential transmission. However, her mum is too busy and important at work to possibly be able to home school so she’s coming to us from Wednesday to ride out the rest of isolation. I’m so mad it actually made me lose my temper. That her job is more important than my families safety.

My husband pointed out about the transmission and said we could have her extra after, but she quoted the custody agreement at us and how buffoon boris stated it doesnt affect the custody agreement so there we go.

I know I shouldn’t look forward and plan anything but I know its sods law she gets it. Then we’re all isolating up until xmas. Therefore, I thought if the presents are all distributed it’s one less thing to worry about.

I desperately need to do yoga, I’ve not done any yet in December. I know I’ll feel better and it will steady my mind. Kneading the cr@p out of the bread sure felt good tho.

So Happy Sober Saturday. How are we all?

love

JS x

Day 145 -A new path

So I had to confirm with the university yesterday that I’d like to accept their place.

I’ve decided after many years of longing, to go into teaching. Primary school teaching to be exact.

It was something I really wanted to do when I was younger. I even got offered a place on a course and turned it down to go travelling at 19.

So now mid 30s and I’ve decided to take the plunge. During my career as a HR professional in manufacturing, I’ve come across so many illiterate people. Somewhere down the line they were failed and I feel a great injustice for them. I want to make a positive change to peoples lives and hopefully the ripples will follow them on to adulthood.

I also, to be honest, fed up of rolling out redundancy strategy, feeling the weight of ending someones employment and being fully aware of their obligations at home financially.

Logistically I’ve been lucky to have been paid off my last job quite well to afford the career change and have a supportive family who are as excited as I am.

I was also lucky enough to spend one day a week in a school until covid hit and loved it. It was an inner city school in a deprived area and the children really channelled my preconceptions of what that would be like. It was brilliant.

So there you are. Looking into it today there is a ton of stuff I’ve forgotten so I’ve popped out to get a few books to at least my knowledge will be up to date. The more I know now, the less I will have to know when I’m overwhelmed in learning teaching. That’s my thoughts anyway.

Have any of you changed career later on in life? Were you as nervous and exhilarated as I feel?

Lots of Love

JS x

Day 144 – Thankful

The weather is cold, grey and lashing down with rain. The sort of rain that bites your skin, where the sting is still felt an hour after you get in.

Today we walked in this weather, round some fields and a park to stay out of he house whilst the carpenter fitted a bannister. BB and I were wrapped up so we looked like a wading marshmallow if you spotted us from the distance.

But even though it was horrid outside, I’m so thankful. I’m thankful to be out breathing in the fresh, damp air, showing my daughter squirrels, pointing out trees. I’m thankful to be spending the day with someone I love and not in an office with people I tolerate.

I’m thankful I’ve got another year off with her before I go back to university and embark on a complete career change.

I’m thankful for the warm, cosy cuddles we shared when we got in. That our house was warm. That we can afford some home improvements.

I’m thankful.

What are you thankful for today?

Love

JS

Day 143 – First Words

My beautiful baby (BB) has finally said her first words…. and they were Mama.

I literally cried when she said it. All her little friends are babbling but she’s never been that bothered. So now hearing mama over and over again (even at 6am this morning), well my heart sings.

I’d like to think it’s all the extra time and energy I’ve directed to her since being sober. I think I’m definitely more present and nurturing. But I suppose we will never know.

She closely followed Mama with cat whilst pointing at Dexter, so I think she’s definitely sounding her favourite things lol. Dada is yet to be mentioned. He pretends he’s not bothered, but I know he secretly is.

So that’s todays update. Counselling in a little bit. Just done a baby class (penguin theme). Homemade pesto pasta with BB for lunch.

Hope you’re all having a great day?

Love

JS x

Day 142 – 30 days of November

I did it! I managed to complete Adrienne 30 days of yoga in 30 days. I missed 29th due to a family issue so did double on 30th.

I’ve been eating on schedule, keeping a sporadic food diary. I’ve been attending counselling, walking 2x a day with BB. I’ve been running 2x a week. In a month I’ve lost 10lbs.

I feel so much better for it. Days are flying by, I’m edging closer to 6 months sober.

I can’t believe how much better I feel. There’s so much to credit this feeling to, but every little thing has added up to this big thing. I’m so grateful and happy for it.

Love

JS x

Day 137 – Yoga

I’ve set myself the challenge of doing yoga every day in November following Adrienne’s home series. I’m surprised how much I enjoy the sessions, how my hips feel better when running and how I can feel antsy until I’ve planned it into my day.

Another completely unexpected benefit is the extra bonding time with my rescue cat. Some of you might remember, on 21st September this year we adopted a stinky, greasy, fur ball we named Dexter.

Dexter eats anything (scraps in the sink, bread from the bread bin etc) and it breaks my heart to think he lived as a stray and went hungry. For the first 2 weeks we completely over fed him, trying in our naivety to spoil him and he kept leaving us presents everywhere. Of the stinky kind.

After regulating his diet, whilst we do get the occasional present, he has completely flourished into this beautiful family cat. He sleeps on my SDs bed, plays with BB and her toys and follows me around like a little shadow.

The latest thing he’s really got into is yoga. Every night I roll out my mat to heavy breathe and listen to Adriennes wisdom and out he comes. He’ll sprawl over the mat, moving out the way in synchronicity with my movement. I’ve only nearly flattened him once with a cobra.

I’m loving this side to him and love the unexpected benefit of yoga… bonding time with my little love bug. He helps me laugh at my wobbly lunges and makes all the positions a little light hearted. I think his favourite is the forward fold as it means lots of head rubs. (Photos below)

How are you all today? Have you found any unexpected benefits of yoga?

love

JS & Dexy

Day 136 – Patchwork Quilt

I’ve tried to write this post three or four different times today.

I recieved a patchwork quilt I had made yesterday, which had all of my favourite outfits my daughter had worn in the first year of her life. I’m gifting it to her at Christmas and I secretly hope it becomes “the blanket” she takes everywhere with her.

I wanted to write how lifes journey seems like one big patchwork quilt. Of scraps of happy memories, but of your happy memories.

I wanted to cleverly link it to sobriety and say how being sober is the new thread that links it together. The old drinking thread, was worn, exhausted and messy. How the new thread is vibrant, strong and neat. How I’m now attaching memories with little resilient cross stitches.

However, BB woke me up at 2:36am and I’ve been awake ever since. It appears my brain also can’t cope with lack of sleep sober as it did as a drinker. Therefore this is as eloquently as I can put it for now.

I had a good session with the counsellor today. I had a family issue rear its head yesterday. One I’d been expecting for a while but secretly hoping for the last year wouldnt come. It made me feel sick with anxiety and it was some of the strongest emotions I had experienced in a long time. Instead of wanting to binge I immediately wanted to purge. Expel the feeling from my body.

I went in a dream like state to the bathroom and almost on auto pilot leant over the toilet. At the last minute I asked myself what I was doing and I managed to stop. I’ve never managed to stop before.

I havent purged in years and was shocked and a little frightened how automatic it felt. The dreamlike state, detachment, how fast it happened.

When talking to the counsellor we discussed the emotions that lead up to it. In reflection it was the same emotions I felt as a child. The out of control feeling, powerlessness, anxiety, not being good enough. I’d never linked the two before and it felt really empowering doing so. I’m starting to slowly get to grips with asking myself what does my reaction tell me about myself.

So that’s me today. How are all you? Hope you’re all ok

Love

JS x

Day 133 – Lockdown Weekends

I’ve been really lucky this weekend to get out and meet an old university friend for a socially distanced stomp. It felt so refreshing seeing someone I hold so dear, catching up, sharing covid horror stories and discussing life.

She’s been a friend since we met at university many many moons ago. One of the lovely things about our friendship, is we literally don’t talk every week, we can go a month or even 2 without talking. But when we do catch up it’s like nothing has changed.

We discussed sobriety and she admitted she had also drastically cut back and we both agreed the positives outweighed the negatives when it came to quitting. I didn’t have the courage to tell her about my binge eating disorder, even though I know she would have been accepting and supportive.

Whenever we part, I always seem to mourn the easy going days where we lived in each others pockets (mainly in our pjs), but I’m proud of us for maintaining our friendship.

It also felt incredibly weird being without my daughter. Normally the least time I spend without her is her 2 hour nap time. Driving my car and not seeing BB’s cheeky face peeking out of the mirror by her car seat was really strange.

This has been the first weekend without my step daughter also for 3 weeks. In a month we’ve had her around 21 days and although we are finding our family rhythms as a blended family. I also enjoy it when it’s my daughter and hubby, it’s more chilled and BB gets more attention. We must be doing something right though as she text off her mums phone this weekend saying how much she missed us, which really touched me.

I’m slightly behind the trend with lockdown, but I’ve finally baked some soda bread. BB loved it for her lunch and even the hubster was quite impressed.

In other news, I’ve still done yoga every day in November so far (thanks for the encouragement). Today was stir and as I did it I felt my roast dinner stir inside me lol. I’ve also managed not to binge, I’m still keeping to a food schedule and a food diary. These 2 small tasks seem to be helping immensely. I already feel more positive and in control.

So that’s me. Loving this sober life (it still feels like a super power) and getting to grips with this eating disorder.

I read an interview with Gary Barlow yesterday and he admitted to having one, so its slowly coming more in the opened. He said it took 18months to get grips into his life and 10 years to beat. My husband was horrified it took that long when I told him. But it gave me comfort that even celebrities with all their wealth and opportunity have a slow recovery. Gary said in the article he’s finally come to terms with the fact there’s some foods he just can’t eat as it will restart it and I’m beginning to think it might be the same for me.

Anyway I’m rambling now. Happy Sunday evening to you all

Love

JS x

Day 131 – Hanging in there

Just a quick one to wish everyone a happy friday. I’m still sober, still working on binge eating and liking myself again. Still doing yoga, a food diary and an eating schedule. Still have a stinky (but cute) rescue cat

Hows everyone else on this dreary rainy friday afternoon?

Love

JS x

Day 128 – Winner

I think the universe likes to play funny tricks on us. Just as my scheduled eating was working for me, life threw a curve ball. I’d won a competition for a Autumnal treat box. Inside was lots of yummy treats.

This sent me into another anxiety driven spiral, until I managed to make a plan. I would enjoy the marshmallows at snack time and savour them. The honeycomb I’d give to my god father who has a sweet tooth. The popcorn I’d save for my step daughter and the fruit cake would be a nice treat for the hubster during his mid afternoon slump.

And that is what I’ve done. Once I made the plan, I enjoyed sharing it out and that feeling outweighed the guilt I’d feel scoffing it all.

When my god mum came to look after BB today as I had some work to do, i shared with her about my eating disorder. I was so nervous telling her and cried during the conversation but she was so lovely and supportive. She asked how long it had been happening for and when I told her she grabbed my hand and said she wish I’d told her sooner. I replied I didnt think I was ready to admit it to myself until recently. She’s said once I’m at a place where I’m happy whenever that will be, we will go out for a girls day and that felt lovely. I’m so lucky to have her as a surrogate mum (especially as my mum is so crumby).

In other news BB has just learnt to blow kisses and its adorable.

That’s it today, hope you’re all ok? I’m still doing yoga and have managed not to fully binge. Big congrats to Leafy for 100 days and Clairei47 for a whole year.

Lots of Love

JS xx